Dame Lillard is an Absolute Dog.

I fucking LOVE Damian Lillard. I was always a fan of his, but when I read his player’s tribune article Loyalty Over Everything. That’s when I truly became a fan of his forever. The article is long but worth the read. To summarize: Damian Lillard believes in Loyalty, it was instilled by his family, and he’s not going to leave the people he rides with. In an age where every NBA player is thinking about their next team, Dame only wants to win for the team that believed in him and drafted him.

Cut to: Bubble Basketball.

The Blazers are finally healthy, except for the fact CJ McCollum is playing with a broken back (yikes) Lillard has put the team on his shoulders and he’s willing them into the playoffs. Jusuf Nurkic and him have been playing great two-man basketball. Carmelo Anthony has been contributing. Gary Trent Jr. and Zach Collins have been very good. But let’s be real it’s all about Dame time right now. On Sunday Lillard dropped 51 on the 76ers to win 124-121.

This came the day after he missed 2 clutch free throws vs the LA Clippers in a loss that put the Trail Blazers playoff hopes in jeopardy. Paul George and Pat Beverly were celebrating the missed free throws and after the game when asked about it, Dame had this to say.

Sending home PBev…

Sending home Paul George…

It turned into a war of words online for a minute, don’t battle with Dame Dolla.

Screen Shot 2020-08-12 at 12.44.32 AM

Screen Shot 2020-08-12 at 12.44.51 AM
Dame isn’t having it with these guys who chase after rings. He wants to win with the Blazers and that’s why I love him, he doesn’t run from a difficult path.

51 points vs the Clippers and my guy still has these idiot pundits running their jaws.

Screen Shot 2020-08-12 at 1.01.21 AM

Skip Bayless with a future freezing cold take because on Tuesday in an almost must-win game Dame dropped 61 on the Mavs, his 3rd 60 point game of the season. Wilt Chamberlain is the only other player in NBA history to have three 60 point games in a season.

Screen Shot 2020-08-12 at 1.12.42 AM
Ya Think?

I need the Blazers to get the 8 seed, I need to see them play the Lakers. I think they can pull off the unthinkable upset.

Screen Shot 2020-08-12 at 1.09.52 AM
I need it to happen even more now. 

Just remember he earned the respect of the late great Kobe Bryant early on.

The return of the NBA has been a bright spot in this shitty pandemic and Dame has been the brightest star of the restart. I really wish his running mate CJ McCollum wasn’t fighting back problems, they need CJ if they want to beat LA, but for the time being Dame is putting the Blazers on his back like Greg Jennings.

Had to do it.

 

Ella Kernkamp Can Help You Get Through 2020.

Meet Ella Delphine Kernkamp. She is a rising star in the modeling world, Boutinela babe, animal lover, equestrian, and an all-around stunner. Put her on the cover of the Swimsuit Issue. Put her on the silver screen. Put her on the cover of a Wheaties box.

(Does Wheaties still put people on the cover? Does Wheaties even exist? I digress)

The World needs more Ella, she’s too beautiful to just exist on Instagram.

At atrainsports we are all about inner beauty but sometimes outer beauty is UNDENIABLE.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B014sPYHaV9/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

She reminds me of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, grace and beauty, and able to slay you with one look. Did I mention she loves animals? Go ahead and check inner beauty as well. She is the total package of a human being.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CB69zT3HVTk/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Screen Shot 2020-07-10 at 9.18.15 PM
Michelle Pfeiffer late (70’s)
Screen Shot 2020-07-10 at 9.54.13 PM
Ella Kernkamp (2020) The side nose ring is a personal weakness of mine.

I think this is my first blog post dedicated to a “babe” but if somebody is going to be the first it needs to be her.

Screen Shot 2020-03-17 at 10.46.31 PM
This picture haunts my dreams, Ella with another absolute smokebomb Hannah Edwards.
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If you need more Ella and you probably will with the way 2020 is going follow her on IG and follow all the companies that support her. 

That’s enough for one shameless post devoted to personal thirst. I need to go check my heart rate right now.

A-Train Out.

Ok one more….

The Mahomes Contract has Produced Innumerable Bad Takes.

Pat Mahomes signed the richest deal in NFL History (A 10-year extension worth 503 million dollars)

People have been coming out of the woodwork talking about how this deal will make it impossible for the Chiefs to compete while paying one guy a ton of money.

Screen Shot 2020-07-09 at 12.42.09 PMScreen Shot 2020-07-09 at 12.42.16 PM

Let me give the basic bitch tweet from a ton of talking heads in the sports world. It goes something like

“Yeah Mahomes is great but the Chief won’t be able to pay anyone else, the team around him is gonna suck WHAAAAAAH.”

FALSE THIS IS A GREAT CONTRACT FOR THE CHIEFS

First, let us examine the immediate cap hit.

Screen Shot 2020-07-09 at 12.54.11 PM

So despite being highly paid guys like Goff and Wilson put their teams in a worse financial position.

The Goff contract stinks because Goff is not that good. Wilson is very good and the Seahawks can live with that deal, they are still a playoff team. It’s not a problem to pay a good QB a ton of money, it is only if you pay a bad QB a ton of money that will kill the franchise. Right now nobody is better than Mahomes.

Next year the Chiefs will bring almost the same team back to the field, they are not like the Rams who had to cut guys they just signed like Todd Gurley to pay for Goff. Tyreek Hill, Tyrann Mathieu, Travis Kelce are all signed up for at least two more years. Mahomes’ two best weapons and the team’s best defender are not going anywhere.

Second, let us examine where the NFL was 10 years ago in terms of QB deals.

The highest-paid QB was Peyton Manning at 15.8 million per year. He was far above the next three highest-paid QBs who were McNabb, Sam Bradford, and Matt Stafford.

10 years later what kind of QB does 15 million dollars buy?Screen Shot 2020-07-09 at 1.26.28 PM

So ten years later 15 million doesn’t even get you, Jacoby Brissett. What was once the paycheck for Peyton in his prime is now something an average QB can scoff at.  I’m not saying that in 2030 45 million per year will be what they pay middle-tier.  QBs but it is very possible. One thing is for sure by the end of that deal a lot of QBs will be making more money than Mahomes, but I highly doubt those players will be better QBs than Mahomes.

So if early in the deal the cap hit isn’t terrible, and late in the deal other contracts will surpass it and the cap will rise, when exactly does the contract prohibit the Chiefs from building around Mahomes…it doesn’t.

The TBT is something you should be interested in.

How are you, rail riders? You OK? If you’re not, I got your back. I’m here with a ridiculously detailed deep dive of an upcoming hoops tourney which will soothe our sports fan souls. As the country enters stage two of the reopening process, I felt it was time to get the caboose back chuggin’ along via this preview/sales pitch for the TBT aka “The Basketball Tournament.” I’m not going to spend much time talking about anything other than my favorite non-mainstream sporting event ever, but I am going to say a few things to set the record straight:

1. Black Lives Matter. Please feel free to fuck right off if you fly confederate flags, say “all lives matter,” attend Trump rallies in the face of a pandemic-level virus, and think the cops treat everyone equally.

2. The NBA should not finish the season with a silly format, no fans, and no travel. This structure could/would potentially toy with the record books, realign the league’s historical integrity, and disrupt the modern day organizational structure/balance of power permanently. For once I’m in complete agreement with three dudes I don’t like very much – Kyrie Irving, Dwight Howard, and Billy Bob’s small friend from “Bad Santa” (aka Avery Bradley).

AVERY?!? DID YOU GET THE LOOFA?

Forget basketball for a second – the time and energy of NBA players is invaluable in other capacities right now. It is immeasurably impactful when applied to the fight for equal rights through non-stop social justice advocacy. Looking at the NBA’s Orlando “bubble” concept as anything other than a distraction, a health risk, or a cash grab would be incompetent and tone deaf. Two players from the odds-on favorites in Vegas are adamantly against playing – that’s all you need to comprehend to get on my level.

3. If you want basketball, PBM’s got just the thing to satisfy your cravings. If you haven’t watched the summertime, single-elimination TBT than you’ve been missing the fuck out, family. It won’t be the same as year’s past when it kicks off in less than two weeks, but it’s got enough March Madness nostalgia and enough top notch hooping ability to satisfy any basketball fan who is feening for competitive ball. Here’s a crash course preview of this year’s participants and a predictive breakdown of the bracket:

TWO MASSIVE SNUBS, BUT SOLID ALL THE SAME.

For the most past, teams in this tourney are made up of alumni from one school (with a ringer or two), alumni from specific conferences, or they’re occasionally built from scratch by enterprising GM’s. Last year marked the fifth time a million bucks or more went in the winning team’s pockets. The #1 seed this year, Carmen’s Crew, won two million bucks a summer ago. When they hoisted the check after the finals, it was the first time anyone had beaten the defending four-time champions and this year’s #2 seed, Overseas Elite. I’ll fill you in on each team’s roster shortly. I need to inform you about the Elam Ending – it’s how this tourney decides who wins and who goes home.

Did you like the NBA All Star game this year? Pretty fuckin’ dope fourth quarter, right? The notion of playing to a score instead of playing for a set period of time adds excitement and intensity in spades. Guess what? They stole this idea from the TBT. The Elam Ending sets a target score, based on the total points of the game’s leading team, and the winner is the team who reaches that number first. Here’s an example of how a ton of games end:

Way better than foul-chuck-foul-chuck-foul, right? It makes every game at least slightly enjoyable. Without further adieu, let’s breakdown the bracket and make some predictions. Here are the eight teams receiving a first round bye:

#1 Seed: Carmen’s Crew: This a team made up of almost every non-NBA or NBA coffee cup sippers who played for the Ohio St. Buckeyes in recent years. They’re even coached by their own – Evan Turner led them to a tourney title last year and this year Jared Sullinger has the whistle. If you’re underwhelmed by their notable players, try not to be. This group did the impossible and beat an undefeated, four-time champion last year. Enough said.

  • Noteworthy Buckeye Alums: Aaron Craft, Jon Diebler, David Lighty, Dallas Lauderdale
  • Ringers: Demetri McCamey (Illini traitor), Pape Malik Dime (Washington)
  • Plays winner the winner House of Paign/War Tampa

#2 Seed: Overseas Elite: The Gods of this universe have OE on their chest – these dudes are without a doubt the favorites to reclaim their spot at the top of the mountain this summer. They brought in the biggest newcomer of the tournament in addition to keeping their St. John’s fueled, long standing core intact. The Johnnie’s core is made up of DJ Kennedy (tourney MVP for their wins), Paris Horne, and Justin Burrell. They’re the equivalent of the Splash Bros. + Draymond. Who is the FA playing the role of KD in this compassion? Iso fuckin’ Joe. Joe Johnson is running with the champs and the rest of the bracket should be petrified.

  • Returning players: D.J. Kennedy, Paris Horne, Justin Burell (all St. John’s alums), DeAndre Kane (Iowa St.), Bobby Brown (Drew league standout and former Houston Rocket)
  • Noteworthy additions: Joe Johnson, Pooh Jeter (Drew league standout with handles for days)
  • Plays winner of Armored Athlete/Power of the Paw

#3 Seed: Boeheim’s Army: Jim Boeheim murdered a man with his personal vehicle. You know this, right? It makes sense for a murderous driver to field a team of soldiers who march to his insanely consistent commands. The zone is dead, Jim. Just like the guy on the side of the road in upstate NY whom you hit with your car. This army has no mercenaries – it’s all Cuse alums. They’re also seeded WAY too high.

  • Notable players: Eric Devendorf, Brandon Triche, Donte Greene, Malachi Richardson, Chris McCollough
  • Play the winner of HEARTFIRE/Men of Mackey

#4 Seed: Golden Eagles: This group of Marquette alumni have become a fixture at the TBT. They’ve also won quite a few games – I’m pretty sure they’re a finalist and a multi-time final four participant. Built with dudes who played extensive pro ball all over the world and a few who with NBA chops, these guys are no joke.

  • Notable alumi players: Travis Diener, Dwight Buycks, Mo Acker, Jamil Wilson, Darius Johnson-Odom, Andrew Rowsey
  • Ringer: Elgin Cook (Oregon)
  • Play the winner of Team CP3/Mid-American Unity

#5 Seed: Eberlein Drive: This is one of those teams built by an enterprising GM – Eberlein Drive has been a consistent presence in TBT’s since the early days and rarely show up with the same squad of the prior year. Cal’s Jerome Randle led them to the Finals one year, but they’ve had minimal success in their other years. This team is boom or bust deluxe.

  • Notable players: Dusty Hannahs (Arkansas), J.P. Macura (Xavier, Cleveland Cavaliers), Tim Quarterman and Johnny O’Bryant (LSU)
  • Play the winner of Brotherly Love/Stillwater Stars

#6 Seed: Team Challenge ALS: Perennial contenders in this tourney, Team Challenge ALS was built by BC alum Sean Marshall and the late Pete Fraites of Barstoolsports.com fame. They’ve too have been a runner-up to OE, but haven’t been on a run for a few years now.

  • Notable players: Sean Marshall and Tyrese Rice (BC), Casper Ware (Drew League LEGEND), several San Diego St. alums
  • Player winner of Team Hines/Sideline Cancer

#7 Seed: The Money Team (TMT): Not sure if this team’s management has been in a TBT before, but a bunch of these players have TBT experience (and tons of additional high-level pro balling to go with it). I like this team A LOT. I also think Floyd Mayweather funds it or is involved in another capacity…hence the unoriginal name.

  • Notable players: Tony Wroten (Washington, NBA), Willie Reed (SLU, NBA), Austin Daye (Gonzaga, NBA), Trevor MBakwe (Minnesota), Jordon Crawford and Jeff Ledbetter (TBT stars from Jimmer Fredette’s squad a year or two ago)
  • Plays winner of Jimmy V/Herd That

#8 Seed: Red Scare: Dayton alums from the 2014 Elite Eight are mixed with a couple of Obi Toppin’s running mates from last year and one nasty ringer in Louisville’s Ryan McMahon. One of the four/five favorites to take the crown.

  • Notable alumni players: Devin Oliver, Ryan Mikesell, and Trey Landers
  • Ringer: Ryan McMahon (Louisville)
  • Plays winner of Big X/Jackson TN Underdogs

Got all that, rail riders? It is time to breakdown the first round matchups and the rest of the action set to follow them – intrigue is everywhere in these games, children. The winners’ names are in Italics.

#9 Big XVS.#24 Jackson TN Underdogs
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Javon Bess, Nick Ward (Michigan St.)Jaylen Barford
(Arkansas, TBT legend)
Khalil Iverson,
Trevon Hughes (Wisco)
Courtney Pigram
(ETSU Standout)
Big X’s depth is too much for Barford and Pigram, but this is game will be close as hell.
#10 Playing For Jimmy V.VS.#23 Herd That
Notable PlayersNotable Players
NBA Coffee Sippers
Josh Perkins (Zaga),
Haywood Highsmith
Marshall alums including Jon Elmore, CJ Burks
UCF Big Men
Chad Brown, AJ Davis
Zach Smith (Texas Tech), Jacorey Williams
(Middle Tenn)
Heart says the Marshall team, but my head says Jimmy V in a possible blowout.
#11 Team HinesVS.#22 Sideline Cancer
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Ethan Happ (Wisco),
Gilbert Brown (Pitt),
Delroy James (URI)
Jamal Artis (Pitt),
Maurice Creek

(GW via IU)
Nick Calathes (UF), Brandon Paul (Illini),
AJ Slaughter (WKU)
Andrew Fitzgerald (Oklahoma),
Dion Wright (Bonnies)
Team Hines by double digits. They’re a favorite in this field.
#12 Brotherly LoveVS.#21 Stillwater Stars
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Temple alums including Khalif Wyatt and
Ramone Moore
Markel Brown, Phil Forte, and LeBryan Nash
(aka dudes who ran
with Marcus Smart)
Penn St. standout
D.J. Newbill
Tyshawn Taylor and
Nadir Tharpe join as

ringers from KU
Upset due to poor seeding. The Cowboy/Jayhawk evil duo wins by 6-12 pts.
#13 Team CP3VS.#20 Mid-American Unity
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Kennedy Meeks,
PJ Hairston (UNC)
Alums from mediocre. forgettable MAC teams
Dez Wells (Maryland)Marcus Hall (Colorado)
I’d pick anyone over this MAC team. They shouldn’t be in the field. The Tennessee alumni team with Wayne Chism, Duke Crews, Ron Slay, Jajuan Smith, Tyler Smith, and Melvin Goins got hosed. I’m really bitter about this. CP3’s crew wins in a rout.
#14 HEARTFIREVS.#19 Men of Mackey
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Homer Drew coaches Baylor’s Quincy Miller,
Ish Wainwright, & the insiring Isaiah Austin
Jon Octeus + the goofiest looking Purdue alumni
on this planet
Zona G Mark Lyons joins
Sparty alums Brandon Wood, Branden Dawson
Goofs incldue Ryan Cline, Isaac Haas,
Evan Boudreaux
I can’t pick against this collection of Purdue legends. This game is 50/50 at best.
#15 Armored AthleteVS.#18 Power of the Paw
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Standouts include Dominique Jones (USF) Terico White (Ole Miss), Michael Ojo (FSU)Sneaky solid recent Clemson alums Gabe DeVoe, Marquise Reed,
and Elijah Thomas
Arkansas alums Courtney Fortson, Coty ClarkeRinger is Mizzou’s Jakeenan Gant
Clemson has been a decent hoops program for a couple years under Brad Brownell. These recent graduates of his program will not be an easy out for unpolished squads.
#16 House of PaignVS.#17 War Tampa
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Recent Illini alums led by LeRon Black, Andres Feliz, and Michael FinkeBryce Brown headlines crew of Auburn alums
Best ringers by far:
Matt Mooney (Texas Tech), Mike Daum (SD St.)
Dope ringer tandem:
Fletcher McGee (Wofford),

Walter Hodge (UF)
Unreal matchup. Mooney is my man crush and he makes the difference for HOP.

PREDICTED ROUND OF 16

  • #16 House of Paign def. #1 Carmen’s Crew
  • #8 Red Scare def. #9 Big X
  • #4 Golden Eagles def. #13 Team CP3
  • #21 Stillwater Stars def. #5 Eberlein Drive
  • #19 Men of Mackey def. #3 Boheim’s Army
    • (Boheim killed a guy with this car – we don’t reward that stuff at ATrainsports.com)
  • #11 Team Hines def. #6 Challenge ALS
  • #7 Money Team def. #10 Jimmy V
  • #2 Overseas Elite def. #18 Power of the Paw

PREDICTED ELITE EIGHT

  • #16 House of Paign def.. #8 Red Scare
  • #4 Golden Eagles def. #21 Stillwater Stars
  • #11 Team Hines def. #19 Men of Mackey
  • #2 Overseas Elite def. #7 Money Team

PREDICTED FINAL FOUR AND CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

#16 HOUSE OF PAIGN DEFEATS #4 GOLDEN EAGLES

#2 OVERSEAS ELITE DEFEAT #11 TEAM HINES

PBM’S 2020 TBT CHAMPION IS…

Bulls v. Lakers: Inaugural Ultimate NBA Finals

We made it, rail riders. We fuckin’ made it. The entire season has been simulated, and we have a champion. Not only do we have a champion, but that champion is the one we deserve. Like I said in the Eastern Conference results blog…was there ever any goddamn doubt?!?!?

The Chicago Bulls are your PBM Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA kings! They swept the damn Lakers, baby. The Bulls went 16-4 in the playoffs. They fuckin’ dominated this shit, baby. The lone shocker? Allow me to introduce you to your Finals MVP:

ROSEFINALSMVOP

Jordan can’t win the award every single time, I guess. MVP-level Derrick Rose is getting his flowers in our simulated universe and it’s a beautiful sight. How lucky is the rest of the NBA, and especially LeBron James, that this guy couldn’t stay on the floor in his prime? Rose could’ve been a top 20 player of all time, people. Basketball fans were ROBBED of some amazing moments by his faulty legs. It brings me great joy to celebrate D Rose via this forum, and I’m stoked his best season shined through in this medium.

…and that’s the end of that, rail riders. Hope you enjoyed reading the content this concept yielded as much as I enjoyed creating it. I’m going to try and deliver more elaborate material such as this throughout the pandemic, and any feedback is truly welcome.

Until next time – wash your goddamn ass, passengers. Deuces.

Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: Eastern Conference Results

All aboard, rail riders! Your boy PBM is back to bring you the winners, losers, and key moments from the simulated ultimate NBA league’s Eastern Conference. Let’s jump right to it – here’s the completed bracket:

eastbracket

Was there really any doubt, family? Despite a lackluster regular season (when compared to his Airness’ Bulls standards), Jordan and the Bulls smashed the competition in the playoffs. Barkley and Reggie took them to six, but no one else gave them any real trouble. The false king LeBron James lost in seven to the team he “owns” per his legion of Bronsexuals, and here’s the box score from that contest:

CAVSRAPSGM7

The loss definitely doesn’t fall on Bron Bron’s shoulders as he put in a monstrous statistical performance. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Chris Bosh on his side this time. Bosh’s excellence has been vastly ignored in the annals of NBA history, but not in the PBM Ultimate league. All that said, the biggest subplot from this game was the foul discrepancy. Good God, man. Some AI being hates LeBron just as much as we do here at ATrain Sports!

The other first round happening of note was Russell Westbrook’s Hawks burying the Celtics. Peep Russ’ numbers in the third game of the series:

russexplosion

Shaq and Russ single handily vanquished the Nash / Garnett Celtics. They also participated in the craziest series of the playoffs in the second round vs. Toronto. Two games ended on a buzzer beater, and not one game was decided by less than five points.

russgamewinnerrapshawks

Kawhi ties it with :05 seconds left, and Russ answers for the Hawks! One good turn deserves another, and here’s the end of the second buzzer beater of the series:

willisbuzzerrapshawks3

Kevin Willis with the dagger! Unreal, man. The big man played significant years for each team in this series, and he sinks the squad from his youth with the logo of his veteran self’s organization on his jersey.

I wish I could place some emphasis on another series or game, but Jordan and Derrick Rose wouldn’t allow for it. Almost every game was a blood bath. I’ll be back with the Finals results shortly, loyal passengers. It’s the Bulls and the Lakers for all the glory!

Stay safe, wash your ass, and clean your heads. PBM has the back of all non-filthy fucks during this pandemic.

Co-vid 19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: How The West Was Won

Happy Monday, rail riders! Mondays no longer have a feel in quarantine, right? No days have a feel anymore and it sucks. If it wasn’t for STL Sports Columnist Ben Hochman’s insistence to use non-stop Seinfeld material in 2020, I’d post Costanza’s understanding of days with feels. Can’t be a hypocrite, family. Let’s get into the real reason we are here and discuss how the western conference unfolded in my ultimate NBA simulation. ALL ABOARD!!!

Last week I unveiled the fantasy rosters of all 30 NBA teams and only hoped I could take it further. Immediately after posting, I remembered a site I used to be heavily involved with called whatifsports.com. This site allows for users to make dream teams in all the major sports – it’s nerd heaven. Twelve or thirteen years ago, ya boy PBM used to mop fools up in simulated NBA seasons. My squads won trophies, people. It was the perfect way to waste time in the corporate office setting. Alas, upon getting out of the corporate world and giving up my oxy addiction meant whatifsports.com leaving my life. Until this weekend…when it returned with a bang!

Whatifsports.com isn’t perfect. It’s not god-level AI. But it is the best free sports simulation available, and I wanted to take this concept further.

I didn’t simulate an entire season in the traditional NBA format – that would’ve taken me until 2025 to do. Instead, I had all the western conference teams play their division opponents six times (three at home, three on the road). Based on those results, I seeded the playoffs. The playoffs were executed in the traditional playoff format – best of seven games in the 2-2-1-1-1 rotation. Here’s who made the playoffs:

  1. Lakers (20-4)
  2. Sonics (19-5)
  3. Mavericks (18-6)
  4. Spurs (14-8)
  5. Kings (13-11)
  6. Pellies (13-11)
  7. Jazz (12-22)
  8. Blazers (11-13)

The Blazers went on the road to beat the Clippers in a play-in game for 8th slot. The box score is below (whatifsports.com brings the statistical thunder).

clips_blazers_final

I was deeply saddened by how limited this Clippers team ended up being. Steve Francis and Blake Griffin aren’t the best team basketball players and it showed. Pippen and McHale deserved better, and I’m sad about it. However, the biggest takeaway from this game is the Hakeem / McHale battle in the post. The two deadliest post players of all-time went back and forth and rarely missed. The advantage was Dream’s, as he crushed McHale on both sides of the boards.

The rest of the western conference played out in a way which illicited more sadness…I made the Lakers too fucking good. Also, the Sonics flamed out in the playoffs despite dominating their regular season schedule. Bad times all around for ya boy.

WESTBRACKET

I pulled a few noteworthy box scores along the way. Find them below.

spurskingfinal

Game four of the Spurs / Kings series. TMac did all he could to not flame out AGAIN in the first round of the playoffs. Alas, he was swept. Only TMac could get a Bill Russell team swept in the first round of the playoffs. George Gervin absolutely lit up the Kings’ wings this entire series.

spurs_lakersfinal

Game six of Lakers / Spurs. The Spurs blew a twenty point fourth quarter lead…ugh. This Lakers team might be the ultimate showcase of how under appreciated Jason Kidd, Pau Gasol, and Anthony Davis really are. I should’ve given them Nash, McAdoo, and Dwight Howard instead – sweet moves, PBM.

lakersmavsfinal

Game two of the western conference finals. Look at the FT shooting.

EVEN IN SIMULATIONS THE LAKERS GET ALL THE FUCKING CALLS!

This happened twice in the Spurs series and once more in the finals. The Lakers are going to win my fake league and/or lose to LeBron’s Cavs. Eastern results coming tomorrow. Stay safe, family. Please allow this throwback heat from G-Unit to play me out the door..it’s been in heavy rotation for ya boy this month.

Co-vid 19 presents “The Ultimate NBA Fantasy Draft”

Rail Riders! It’s been too long since I left you…without a dope blog or any content at all to truly step to! This changes now…and it changes in a HAAA-UGE way. Your boy PBM finally sat down and did something he’s wanted to do for years, and the Rona revealed the opportunity. I’ve made the largest cup of lemonade you’ve ever seen out of the quarantine lemons we’re all engulfing. So large that it would take Train three days to lose himself in glasses of it while pelting or losing his precious body armor via the wacky world of fallout.

I sense you’re skeptical. You don’t believe I’ve truly shifted the narrative, correct? Well…how about if I told you I drafted ten-men rosters for every team in the NBA using the traditional snake style and based the order on this year’s standings? How about if I told you I decided to make every single player who’s ever played the game available to be selected?

Here’s how I did it:

  • The draft order was created using this year’s standings. I manipulated the lottery in order to allow for certain star players to play for the team’s they became stars on.
  • Throughout the draft I prioritized placing individuals on teams whom they contributed for / excelled on / won titles with.
  • The all-time greats were placed with purpose…for the most part. That purpose was fueled by irony, intrigue, or historical significance.
  • Dumb teams remained dumb. I also have a bias against the Nets, so they purposefully made some silly decisions.
  • The Thunder moved back to Seattle.
  • Team’s identities / playing styles / management trends were always top of mind, and organizations which reward loyalty were given priority to land a player whom has ties to their franchise.

Without further adieu, here is what unfolded (you’ll see the number in which players were chosen next to their name on every roster). I’ll do some intensive roster breakdowns either later today or this weekend.

team1_6teams7_12teams13_18teams19_24teams25_30

Here’s some observations at first glance:

The favorites at first glance are the Bulls, Pistons, Blazers, Hornets, Warriors, Kings, and Clippers.

Just outside of the top teams are the Cavs, Spurs, TWolves, Wizards, Pacers, Sonics, Celtics, Raptors, and Lakers.

The weakest rosters belong to the Suns, Nets, Rockets, and Bucks.

As far as specific players landing on specific teams, here are my initial thoughts on what results are the dopest:

  • I think Magic leading a Pistons team (he’s from Michigan) built with members from each era of the Bad Boys’ championship runs is an insanely hilarious idea…and it might yield dominance.
  • I love the Blazers finally landing their elite big man in Hakeem with the fifth pick – pairing him with Dame, Roy, Sheed, and Big Game James gives Dream the chance to prove he’s the GOAT big man.
  • Reggie and Barkley teaming up in Naptown to beat Jordan is awesome – Barklye isn’t distracted by clubs, good food, and women. Not to mention Ben Simmons giving them each their desired number of looks.
  • Legendary Celtics’ winners Bill Russell and Dennis Johnson leading a Kings squad loaded with as much talent as they have playoff failures. I basically added TMac and Jokic (along with the aforementioned Celts) to the core Kings squad that was constantly robbed in the early 2000’s).
  • The Splash Bro’s and Igouyoshi teaming up with Brad Beal in DC. That three guard lineup could eat souls in any era.
  • Pippen and McHale finally stepping out of MJ and Bird’s shadows with the Clippers. That duo teaming up with some under appreciated all star guards (Deron & Franchise), arguably the most prolific Clipper ever (Blake Griffin), and their beloved threesome of Lou, Trezz, and PBev makes the Clipshow pretty damn vicious.
  • What guards / wings are scoring on Glove / Klaw in crunch time? The Raps are no joke.
  • The Hornets don’t trade Kobe, and he gets paired with Bill Walton and Luka. Yikes.
  • Durant gets to lead an amalgamation of his title winning Warriors squads (sans the fan favorites whom relocated to DC) and the beloved “we believe” team of ’06-’07. Can he handle Baron and Draymond yelling in his face every timeout? If he can, they’re as good as anyone.
  • The Knicks landed two dudes, one past (Kareem) and one present (Jimmy Butler), to pair with franchise icons Willis and Pearl. It probably isn’t enough.
  • Darryl Morey used analytics to pair Rick Barry’s efficiency with James Harden’s…and the Rockets get obliterated by 50+ night in and night out.
  • The two studs who conjure up as many throwback vibes as anyone currently in the league (Giannis & CP3) lead the return to Seattle for the Sonics. The modern Glove – Reign Man aren’t alone…Ben Wallace’s fro, Grant Hill’s versatility, and Devin Booker’s dick round out their nasty starting five.
  • The Bucks stink because their front office is dumb…they overextend on guys whom are past their prime / poor fits every year. Same goes for the Suns.
  • N’awlins is the biggest “what-if” unit. Moses and his modern equivalent (Zion) just could be too much for any squad to handle.
  • Despite all the observations above, the favorites in the clubhouse are the Bulls. The GOAT running alongside both D. Rose and Kemp in their primes is simply incomprehensible. It would probably always look like this…

or this…

and DEFINITELY THIS…

 

Bulls are -150 in fake Vegas, family.

Come back in the next day or so for a simulated season of results, awards, and fake observations. All feedback is desired, welcomed, and possibly dismissed.

Stay safe, rail riders.

Street Art in the Time of Corona Virus

Many of the businesses forced to close in Seattle have literally boarded shut. I assume this is from the very real chance of people trying to break windows and loot what is inside.

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The Boards went up pretty quick around Belltown.

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Just as quickly, they became interesting.

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What I imagine Corona looks like in your lungs.

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My favorite by far.

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Hey Asshat, don’t scribble over an actual artist’s work.

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Big fan of Elephants and this Mural. 

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“Meanwhile Pizza” might as well be my lifestyle.

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Great Gatsby Imagery on Mushrooms with some Topical Medical Symbolism.  I approve.

These are just in a one-block radius from my building, who knows what I will find if I ever venture further.

Stay Safe. Watch Tiger King.

I Have Lost ALL Faith in The Chicago Bears as an Organization.

When I wrote yesterday’s free agency blog I briefly touched on the Bears. I didn’t give my take on Jimmy Graham because I had no clue how much they were paying him. Turns out it was SO MUCH MORE than I anticipated. They gave him two years 16 million and 9 million guaranteed.

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Just what this team needed the shittiest Green Bay Packer.

What the fuck?

The Bears just cut Leonard Floyd because they didn’t want to pay him and he signed with the Rams on a 1 year deal for 10 million. So let me get this right, you’re willing to pay a beyond washed-up tight end 8 million a year but not 10 million for a guy who probably still has his best football in front of him. I would much rather have Floyd with Quinn and Mack, and have a deep defense than pay Jimmy fucking Graham who hasn’t been good since he was in New Orleans. He was bad in Seattle with Russell Wilson, he was bad in Green Bay with Aaron Rogers…Guess what he will be in Chicago?

It cool though the Bears traded a 4th round pick for Nick Foles and the contract that is overpaying him. Quarterback problems solved.

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Sweet Nick Foles and Matt Nagy what a combo.

You know what troubles me about former super bowl MVP Nick Foles? His offensive coordinator in Philly was Frank Reich. Frank Reich is now the head coach in Indy. Did Frank Reich, who needs a QB, try and work a deal for Foles? No. Instead, the Colts signed the deteriorating Phil Rivers. This is a concern dude.

Since coming to the Bears GM Ryan Pace has drafted some serious busts with very high draft picks.

Kevin White – Often Injured Bust who is in danger of being out of the league #7 overall.

Mitch Trubisky – #2 overall picked ahead of Mahomes and Watson. They traded up from 3 to 2 to pick this guy because Pace was scared someone else would take him….I wish dude.

Leonard Floyd – #9 overall, not a bust but they also traded up for this pick with Tampa Bay and they cut him before his rookie deal was done.

If Foles wins the starting QB job the Bears will have no starters from picks 2,7,9 overall.

The Bears have a real tendency to trade up for guys who aren’t good. That’s not the mark of a competent GM.

Luckily Pace traded his last two first-round picks (this upcoming draft included) for Khalil Mack employing the strategy of not failing on your first-round pick by virtue of not having one.