Football Friday: Dry Beaks and Circus Freaks. (Updated)

Fanucci 69
Paying the piper for last week. Beaks are dry.

Last week ATRAIN CORP took it’s first hit of the season, boy was it a doozy. 2-8 in our College Football picks last week is no bueno. Checking the numbers:

After four weeks we had our initial investment of $5,000 up to $6,250. The 2-8 nose dive cost us $850 and we are now back to $5,400. Still in the black, and do to bounce back. Current beak status calls for a forecast of rain.

Thursday Night Football Recap:

The Bears fucking suck, John Fox sucks, but most of all Mike Glennon SUCKS, and not only that he looks like a turn of the century circus freak. Ladies and Gentlemen, Boy’s and Girls…we found him foraging the tallest of trees in North Carolina. Feast your eyes on….Giraffe Man.

It’s not Glennon’s fault, this guy should not be starting. He’s a backup, a guy who can weather the storm while the starter is hurt. This is not the guy you want leading the team, nobody is going to follow that stupid fucking face. It’s time for Mr. Biscuit. It’s time for Mitch Trubisky.

Tonight’s Games: An unusually hoppin’ Friday night for College Football, we got 3 pretty good games.

$100 on Illinois +6.5 at home vs Nebraska. Last year during this game at least one Nebraska fan got diarrhea in her pants. No Runzas sold in Champaign. Go Illini.

$100 on Miami -6 at Duke. Revenge for the lateral game.

$100 on WSU -4 at home vs USC

Saturday Slate:

First let me say this week was really hard to find games that I like. Here at ATRAIN CORP we bet the big one’s no matter what, biggest game this week is where College Gameday is going. Lane Stadium, Clemson at VaTech under the lights. We here at ATRAIN corp said that we would ride Clemson, and never bet against them. We apparently just say things b/c we like the Hokies to cover but not to win. Rooting for a close game. $200 on VaTech +7.5.

Talked with my counsel, we are taking Clemson in this game, this is a flip-flop. $200 on Clemson, we are sticking with the Tigers.

Betting against Vandy worked last week, Florida off an emotional victory covers at home -9.5 vs the Commodores. +100 on it.

Betting on Cal has worked, betting on Oregon has not. We got Cal +14 to cover. $100 on it.

Ole Miss at Bama: Over 59, Saban wants to run up the score here, Ole Miss will get some points. $150 on a high scoring affair.

Mississippi State at Auburn: Under and  Auburn -8.5.  $150 on each. We just want the under 49 points. $150.

Georgia -7.5 at Tennessee we got $200 on the Bulldogs.

TAMU -9.5 at home vs South Carolina $200 on the Aggies.

Had the wrong line on this and it’s even better for us. TAMU -7.5. Still want $200.

Rutgers +30 at home vs Ohio State. $150 on the Scarlet Knights.





Throwback Thursday: Sylvester Stallone once had a bull mastiff named Butkus. Obviously they were best friends.

Sly Stallone has always been a low-key hero of mine for one reason. He wrote the movie Rocky, and refused to sell it to anyone that wouldn’t let him play Rocky. Most Actors wait forever to get the perfect role, Stallone just up and wrote one for himself. He just penned an all-time classic no big deal.


Then I found out about his dog Butkus, and I somehow like the guy even more. I wore number 51 in junior football and freshman year because of Dick Butkus. Sly was obviously a fan as well. He got Butkus in 1971 when he was learning screenwriting and living in squalor. Butkus the the perfect name for a bull mastiff, Dick Butkus was a bull mastiff of a man.

Butkus the dog was an inspiration, who was by Stallone’s side as he wrote Rocky. Sly’s financial situation was so bad he couldn’t afford Butkus and was forced to sell him for $40. Soon after, Sly was able to sell Rocky, but the owner wanted $15,000 for the dog. “Worth every penny” – Sly Stallone.

In fact the entire reason that Adrian worked in a pet store was so that Butkus could be in Rocky. In Rocky II Butkus makes an appearance as a gift from Adrian to Rocky. The two train together for Rocky’s rematch with Apollo Creed.

It may be Cage Week at Atrainsports, but The Bears play the Packers tonight and a dog named Butkus is just what the Dr. ordered.

Did this Nebraska fan poop her pants on National TV?

I’ve had this little clip in my phone since before this blog began. I just “re-discovered” it and I feel like it’s too hilarious not to share. It’s from Illinois @ Nebraska Oct. 1, 2016.


I’ll let you guys be the judge but I say we have a clear cut case of pooped in pants. Let’s examine the evidence:

First, this woman has chocolate all over her face, that nobody is telling her about. Where did that chocolate come from? I headed over to the University of Nebraska website to checkout what concessions are offered that could account for all that fudge around her mouth.

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Some options omitted for space, all chocolate based options shown.

Right below Hot Dogs, at the top of the list I think we have our culprit. “Ice Cream w/toppings” could those toppings be hot fudge? If not then we are looking at a Milky Way bar. This investigator finds that very unlikely. Ice Cream with Hot Fudge, that’s a lot of dairy on a Saturday, especially if you boozed it up pregame like we all know this chick did. You start mixing dairy with all the acid from the booze and your body starts making diarrhea soup inside you.

Here is the thing, I am a fat guy. This chick is a fat chick. I understand her mind. I understand that you don’t just go from boozing to Hot Fudge Sunday. Somewhere in her food history, before the purchase of the sweet, came the salty. But what salt based food did she consume to further her problem?

When looking at the menu, something caught my eye, “Runza”. What’s this now? I thought I knew all stadium foods. Curveball from Memorial Stadium, I gotta google this guy.

Runza Wiki

It’s a stuffed sandwich, so pretty much a glorified hot pocket.

and what did Jim Gaffigan say about hot pockets?

jim gaff

Ok that, AND the fact it’s called a RUNZA for CHRIST SAKE! Runza is probably yiddish for The Runs. We all know what the Runs are.

UD runs

So the dots are starting to connect. A timeline is starting to emerge. We have probable cause. Suspect wakes up, starts with a shower beer, proceeds to tailgate, inside stadium goes right at the Runzas. That gets crushed ,and before the Runza starts to rumble she’s back for Ice Cream, extra hot fudge please.


diarrhea?The evidence may be circumstantial, but when you really think about it, ALL evidence is circumstantial. ATrainSports believes, she didn’t poop her pants, she diarrhea’d them. We Rest Our Case.

Nicholas Cage Appreciation Week: Inspiring America’s youth.

Nicholas Cage was my first celebrity impression, I was 8 years old. I grew up in an Italian family, and in Italian families certain movies are canon. The Godfather of course, but also Moonstruck. Italians love Moonstuck. My family is obsessed with it, and by the time I was in 3rd grade I had probably seen it 10 times at least.


It was a critically acclaimed movie at the time it was released in 1987, and won two academy awards. Best Original Screenplay, and Best Supporting Actress (Olympia Dukakis).

There wasn’t a ton for a young boy to latch onto in the female-centered rom-com, except for Ronnie Cammameri (Nick Cage). His performance is so over the top and out of left field that it captured my attention. At a certain point I just began to “do Ronnie.”

There is one scene in particular, when we first meet Ronnie, that was my bread and butter of the impression. I would do it start to finish, even doing the Cher parts.



When I started doing Ronnie my mom pretty much thought it was the funniest thing ever. I made her laugh so hard she snorted, here I was this little fat kid doing Cage at peak Cage levels. I’m pretty sure if the internet exists during my childhood I go viral off this. Probably down the road I would become the subject of a “where are they now of viral videos” with a “Whatever Happened to Fat Kid Cage? You’ll be shocked to find out what he looks like now” clickbait ad. headline. Instead my mom made me do the impression for extended family every time we went to Chicago until everyone had seen it. I was pretty much over it by then.

Cage takes this scene and just decides that’s he’s gonna fucking own it. As a writer I usually give credit too the writer, but this is all Cage. Those were just words on paper before my boy takes the reigns. The performance speaks for itself.  This film and this scene were my baptism into the Church of Cage, this man inspired me as a youth, to mock and impersonate.

More Caged Wisdom this week on ATRAIN SPORTS: STAY TUNED.

Stop putting words on this picture: An adderall fueled hate blog.

You know it’s adderall fueled when it’s the third blog post of the day. 

Disloyal man with his girlfriend looking at another girl
Any fucking idiot can make a meme out of this, it stopped being clever a while ago.

I’m begging the internet to find a new random picture to meme-ify so I can stop seeing this goddamn visual cliche’ everytime I open my eyes. It was fun for a minute. I was never really into it, but I understand how things go viral. Still this picture is so stale and I see it so often it makes me wonder if the entire human race has gotten lazy and uncreative. This abomination is showing no signs of slowing down. I actually heard some ESPN dingbat trying to describe this meme on air as it related to the Chicago Bears Quarterback Situation….you guessed it our boy Mitch Trubisky was the girl in the red dress.

Look if you want to fool around with this in the privacy of your own home and share it amongst friends…I’m cool with that. For my own sake I refuse to post even the meme of this meme that makes fun of this meme…are you still with me? I know that last bit was a mouthful. But I have to post the straw that broke this camels back. We are now using it for a mormon’s ability to drink a diet coke, good grief.

too far
This has simply gone too far.


Don’t forget the CAW….Cage Appreciation Week is next week…picklecage

Friendly reminder next week is Nick Cage appreciation week.

cage grab.jpg

We will be celebrating the life and career of one Nicholas Cage. His movies have been good, his movies have been bad, his movies have been ugly.  Stay Tuned for all Cage all the time next week on ATRAIN SPORTS.

Here have a taste:

If you tried to field a baseball team based entirely on Cage character names from his films what does that team look like?

1B – Grug Crood, voice acting counts. Full Disclosure I have not seen The Croods, but I have seen a lot of fat first basemen. Grug Crood sounds like a first basemen with a bit of a doughnut and beer problem. I also like the name Grug. It’s almost Greg but not, kinda like how Ryne Sandberg sounded like Ryan.

2B – Rick Santoro was a real piece of work in Snake Eyes. I still don’t know how he ended up with Carla Gugino at the end. Ricky Santoro …(we are adding the “y”) is a second basemen’s name if I’ve ever heard one. Italian Pedroia?

SS – Randall “Memphis” Raines was pretty good at stealing cars in Gone in 60 seconds. Memphis Raines the short stop steals bases even faster. (He’d have to 60 seconds is MORE than enough time to throw out a baserunner) But his real skill is his defense, he’s the next Ozzie Smith the sportswriters are saying. Great leader in the clubhouse too.

3B – Stan Goodspeed was a good pickup at third base. Hits for average, doesn’t strike out a lot.. In The Rock he was an expert at disarming VX-gas rockets. In the clubhouse his gas is called the VX rocket, his farts stink that bad.

LF – In Matchstick Men, Roy Waller was a con artist who in the end got conned. In America’s pastime Roy Waller is a journeymen outfielder who needs to start hitting if he wants to stay in left field.

CF – Amos Odell isn’t the excon breaking into Samuel L Jackson’s house in Amos & Andrew. Now he is a black center fielder who hits leadoff and is a menace on the basepath. Think Kenny Lofton with more upside.

RF – Cameron Poe has an absolute cannon in right field, and he hits for power. He is no longer a former US Ranger like he was in Con Air, but a three time all-star who some are calling the “white clemente”

C – Ronny Cammareri is no longer a NYC baker, with one hand, who loves the opera… like he was in Moonstruck. Now he’s a fat catcher nearing the end of his career. Think a more jovial Italian Jake Taylor.

P – Umataro Tenma, another voice credit for Cage. This time it’s Astro Boy. It’s nice to get an easy payday when the IRS is barking down your neck. It’s also nice to get the hot Japanese pitching prospect who just decided to come over from Tokyo. Umataro has won the hearts of Japanese Americans across the nation. Just glad he’s pitching for us.

RP – Joe Enders, I mean this one was too easy. Enders is the perfect name for a closer. He was a Sgt. in the US Army in Windtalkers, but as a closer Enders has found his true calling. He goes fastball, change-up, but it’s almost always fastball with this guy. Think Brad Lidge without the psychological damage from Albert Pujols.

Football Friday: Wet the Beak

This week in CFB lacks the super top tier match-ups but we still got some very intriguing plays this week at ATRAIN CORP. Knock on wood we have had no losing weeks let’s keep the streak alive.

wet the beak seinfeld
Current Mood at ATRAIN CORP.

Friday Night Special: OK we are 0-1 on Friday night football, lets get back to .500 and take Utah -3.5 in Arizona.

FSU is still a team: It seems like it’s been forever since the ‘noles last played. That’s because the last time we saw them was vs Alabama. The Tide have played twice since then. At this point FSU still has only 7 points on the season. They must be chomping at the bit to get after it. We like them -12.5 at home vs NCSU.

ALSO FSU WE NEED A JEN STERGER 2.0 or is that just every girl on IG now?

Sterger (far left) was FSU’s hottest fan before she ever saw a Brett Favre dick pic.

Early Game we have action on for no reason: I overheard someone say they like the Razorbacks in Jerry World -2.5 vs Hot Seat Kevin Sumlin and the Aggies. Good enough for me.

Typically when picking games ATS the stragey at ATRAIN CORP. is bet on the teams you think are really good or against the teams you think are really bad. That’s a common theme you will see this week. It doesn’t apply in ARK-TAMU.

MIZZOU STINKS: How many points is Mizzou gonna score vs Auburn? They got 3 vs Purdue last week. I’m not expecting too many in this game. I really like under 60 points in Columbia Mo.

added bonus take Auburn to cover 18 but I like the under play a lot more. It possible this Mizzou team is going to give up all together.

odom reek
University of Missouri Head Coach Barry “Reek” Odom.

Bet the Cowboys: Oklahoma State has us woke to how explosive this offense is, Less than 2TDs vs TCU. We love this at 12.5 and like it anywhere under 14.

It’s high time Bama covered: We have not been betting on the Tide since winning with them week one,  good thing too, because they haven’t covered since. I think that changes vs an SEC opponent. Vandy looks good, they might make a bowl game, but they ain’t on the Crimson Tide’s level. Bama -19 at Vandy. Ship it.


Don’t get why this line isn’t a little higher: South Carolina -9.5 at home vs Louisana Tech. Ok So the Gamecocks lost to Kentucky, that’s a conference opponent. This is La Tech. They were really good when I had them as my Dynasty in the old NCAA video games, but IRL IDK. ATRAIN CORP. likes the Cocks in this one.

Game of the Week: Mississippi State at Georgia, apparently the “sharps” like Georgia. I’m not a sharp, I’m a dull so I say HAIL STATE. They won us money last week at home. We are gonna roll with them as road dogs. MSTU +5.5. I am not sold on the Georgia Bulldogs.

We suck at betting PAC-12: Not sure why, this is my backyard now. Let’s try and change our fortunes by betting on Oregon and not against them. Ducks -14.5

Altitude special: I’m a fan of the UW Huskies, I spent a lot of time on that campus. So I feel bad that I have very publicly stated how overrated I think Jake Browning is. I’m sticking to that position and taking the Buffs in Colorado +11 vs the Huskies. A bolder gambler might take the Buffs money line, there could be an upset here. UW is going to slip up somewhere, this might be the place.

Our Newest Inter Drewsephine, is mid transition, we fully support her. She is a HUGE Buffs fan.

The Money: We feel confident enough to go $200 on Colorado, MU-AUB Under, and Alabama.

$150 on South Carolina, Oklahoma State, Mississippi State, FSU, Utah

$100 on Oregon, Arkansas. Money reflects our confidence this week, we had to break from “BIG MONEY : BIG GAMES” because of a lack of a slate of “BIG” games this week. Look we at ATRAIN CORP. know that ANY game is big if YOU bet on it.




Reaching out to Kevin Durant. ATrain Corp. is here to help.

Kevin Durant sucks at being a rich and famous basketball player. He is out here on twitter fighting a social media battle like a goddamn peasant. Kevin Durant recently apologized for creating fake twitter accounts to bash his naysayers and former coaches/teammates, and lift up his own image and brand. Why Kevin? I know why, you think your a normal dude. Your feeling get hurt, you feel misunderstood, the media is savage as fuck I get it.

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You don’t say fuck you with fake twitter accounts, you say it by living a life others only dream of.

I’m here to take you under my wing Kevin. I here to show you, how to be a rich famous basketball player, not on the court. Off the court. First I need you to understand that you have “fuck you money” This is important, you need to know that at anytime some dip-shit reporter prints something about you, or some twitter egg calls you a traitor…you could buy their childhood home and level it to the ground. I’m not saying do that. Just know it in your head, and the urge to respond to trolls will lessen. “Fuck you money” is the most important piece in our overall goal of “don’t give a fuck at all.”

Kevin your new basketball shoes are the opposite of not giving a fuck dude. You can”t have writing responding to haters on the bottom of your shoe. This shoes that you care SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH about what other people say that you remember it, and put it on your footwear. C’mon man. Nobody wants to be a living billboard for your personal insecurities. Jordan wouldn’t do shit like that, but LeBron might. Don’t emulate the latter.

baby back shoes
Is this not the most try-hard, I CARE A LOT about what other people think shoe?

We need to get you caring about other stuff, Kevin. Are you a foodie? No? Let’s change that. One way to set yourself apart from these plebs on twitter is to constantly feast on the finest food the world has to offer. This way when you go to tweet, you can tweet about the fresh catch prepared by your personal chef on a private yacht off the coast of Tahiti. Start getting into rich guy stuff, get together with a bunch of dude on the warriors and buy an island or something. Show the world that you don’t have time too be fucking around on social media because your life is just too fucking sweet.

KDgordon ramsay
Start hanging out with Gordon Ramsay. He will help you thicken your skin and you’ll learn a life skill in the bargain.

Get some interns. Look slavery is outlawed but interns are legal. You get a couple good ones, vet them thoroughly, get cools guys, guys you can trust. There guys are gonna handle the social media part of getting your sweet life out to the world. You will not be uploading you baller lifestyle to social media, they will be doing it for you.

Kevin when you wake up in the morning, you are Kevin Durant, and Kevin Durant has nothing to worry about. Not money, you are already rich. Not success, you are already going to be a Hall of Fame player with at least 1 championship. Not the ladies. So you end up worrying about the twitterings of peasants.

For a joe-schmo like myself it’s good to know that star athletes are not immune to the voices of their detractors, it’s humanizing in a way it really is. It also makes me realize if Kevin Durant has multiple fake accounts then so does EVERYONE ELSE. The problem is that it shouldn’t be like that Kevin, you should be immune, you should be looking way down on us mere mortals. That’s what Jordan does.

Kevin self improvement comes from sacrifice, you gotta sacrifice this kiddy bullshit to grow buddy. Stop with all the social media. Really try to be more like Michael Jordan. No, really when your contract is up sign with the Bulls. Bring a title back to Chicago. Tell the whole world you want to sign with the Bulls, but you need Gar/Pax/Hoiberg gone first. Ok that last part may have been a little selfish on my part. But hey you scratch my back I scratch yours Kevin. Atrain Corp will be waiting to hear from you.

Weekend Football Review: Beaks are still wet.

You’ve done well young man, but I must wet my beak a little.


OK we missed on a few bets over the weekend, but we hit on more and ATRAIN CORP. is firmly in the black.

Weekly Breakdown:

Week 1: +100

Week 2: +400

Week 3: This was first week of NFL season we did +500 college and -200 on NFL for +300 total.

Week 4: +450 college only

So far so good. This is where as a degenerate gambler you start to get too confident and start betting more and more. We are not going to do that. Yet.

Breet venables
Brett Venables has his very own “hold me back guy” – RESPECT.

Saturday Musings: Clemson continues to make ATRAIN CORP money. Brett Venables defense is going to be a problem for a lot of teams. I’m not betting on USC games anymore, we lose every time we be for or against them. Fading Mizzou is working real well, I don’t think they have covered a spread yet. Big disappointment for me was Ole Miss and the SEC in general. The SEC is not what it used to be the Mississippi State Bulldogs might be the 2nd best team in the conference. We loved them vs LSU and my biggest regret of the weekend was that we only had 100 the Mississippi. MORE COWBELL.

Sunday Musings: Jason Garrett is a shit coach, he throws the ball way to much. The guy had the best O-line and RB combo in the NFL and he abandons the ground game at the first tiny sign of adversity or if they go behind more than 3 points. I can’t help but think if that team had a real coach they would be taken more seriously. I drafted Larry Fitzgerald on two fantasy teams and boy do I regret it. The Cardinals STINK! Other teams that STINK: The Saints, Bears, Colts, 49ers. These I know for sure.

garrett dumb]
Make sure you ask way too much of a 2nd Year QB.


Bears Specific Musing: Was the loss Mike Glennon’s fault? No. But he’s not good and we might as well play the kid. I get why they might be reticent, this team has zero weapons for him to throw to, but we have to see what we got with him. Put in Mitch!

AFC BEST: <—–superlame pun alert, I wonder what ESPN jerk-knuckle will work it into their segment. But Seriously all the Patriots competition not named Pittsburgh is coming out of that division where Kansas City, Oakland and Denver are off to hot starts.

The team I never have a handle on: Baltimore Ravens ….THEY AIN’T PLAYED NOBODY! but they are 2-0 with two divisional wins to open the year.

and Cincinnati Bungles: This team is 0-2 losing to Baltimore and Texans? WTF Bungles, it’s time for a new regime and QB in that town. Ditch the Red Rocket he couldn’t get it done with a good OL, now that they are shaky, it’s only gonna get worse.



Wet the beak Friday. College Football Picks against the spread.



Atrain Corp had a good week last week in College only to see a nice chunk of our winnings go away when the NFL started. I’m way more at home picking the College game than the NFL.  I’m gonna continue to put out 5 NFL picks each week but, I am drawing the line at auto betting 100 on each game. Look for those on Saturday. I will bet based on my confidence from now on. Let’s wet some beaks.


The Friday Night Special: Illinios getting 17.5 is too much for me. There is some fan bias here. Both my parents went to College in Champaign, I’m already rooting for them in this game. I say they cover tonight vs South Florida. Lovie Smith is playing a lot of Freshmen which scares me, but I also think he will turn that program around in a few years. $150 the Illini.

West Coast just waking up games: There is too much Josh Rosen Hype right now. I will take Memphis getting 3.5 at home in a game that’s early for those west coast pot heads at UCLA. $100 on the Tigers of Memphis.

Who the Fuck is Old Dominion? game: Old Dominion +10.5 at home vs a shakey North Carolina team. In 2103 ODU lost to North Carolina 80-20. Am I crazy for picking ODU? Crazy like a fox. $100 on The Monarchs?

Notre Dame better cover this meager ass spread to silence the haters game: Norte Dame lost a hard fought game to Georgia, I think they will take it out on BC with an old fashioned Catholic on Catholic bullying. I see the Irish by at least 2 TDs. They will cover the 13.5 spread. $150 on the Irish.

Only because we bet the big ones game: No handle on Tennessee at Florida in the wake of a hurricane. I am a gator fan since I was a we lad,  so I’m gonna take Florida -5.5 and say they win by a TD, $200 on it.

I’m betting Clemson in all big games until they lose game: I love defense, and Brett Venables has the Clemson D humming. I say they do enough to stop Lamar Jackson and beat Louisville again. I’m going against my own betting strategies here. I don’t like betting against the home team in a rowdy night game. I don’t like betting against the team with the lesser of the two quarterbacks. Well I’m gonna doubly go against those, that’s how much I believe in Clemson -3. $200 on the Tigers of Clemson.

Bet against the Alma Mater b/c THEY STINK! game: Mizzou STINKS! They STINK! The Coach STINKS! The Players STINK! They are favorite’s at home by more than a TD? Purdue +7.5 all day, $200 on it.

Calm Down Urban! You don’t need to beat Army by 5 TD’s game: Yes he does, Ohio State wins by 35 and covers. $150 on The Buckeyes -30.

More home underdogs that will cover (I think) games:

Mississippi State +7 vs LSU.

Wyoming +14.5 vs Oregon.

$100 on both.

West Coast Night games:

Ole Miss will cover the 3.5 vs Cal $200 on it.

USC-Texas: I don’t want to bet this one guys. I have no handle on it. I think the USC team wins by 17, that’s a cover so I’ll take them but I don’t love the pick. $100 on USC.