Kids These Days: Still Just As Ruthless & Diabolical As Ever.

Let me just start by saying that kids are the absolute worst. People say children are the future? False. They are just a cog in a never-ending cycle of human reproduction. Don’t trust kids, they smell fear, they will find your weakness and fucking exploit that shit.

Girls can be the worse than boys when it comes to dealing with their own kind.

Case-in-point: The Pennsylvania Pineapple Incident.

VIA Butler Eagle:

A Butler High School student has been charged criminally for attacking another student with pineapple, triggering an allergic reaction.

During the lunch period on Dec. 13 at Butler Intermediate High School, a 14-year-old girl intentionally “high-fived” a 14-year-old classmate, exposing her to pineapple, Butler Township Police Chief John Hays said Wednesday.

The victim has a severe pineapple allergy and even skin contact is enough to trigger a reaction, Hays said.

She was taken to the nurse’s office, given an epinephrine pen and eventually taken by ambulance to the Butler Memorial Hospital. She was treated and released from the hospital the same day, according to police.

The 14-year-old and two other girls who allegedly had a role in the assault face felony charges in juvenile court. They were also disciplined by the school.

This is literally chemical warfare at the middle school girl level. Proof that girls and kids are ruthless to the point of willing to endanger someone else’s life. Is it bad that I kinda want to tip my cap to the perpetrator? Can we get her into some kind of CIA black ops program, I’m seeing a lot of potential in this one.

This girl used the same basic tactics of a professional assassin. Sure she might be a sociopath but a tool for every task amirite? We could be rid of Kim Jong-un in a matter of weeks if we fast track this little girl’s training.

Explain it to A-Train: If there is one thing I don’t understand it’s food allergies. Why do some people have them, where do they come from? Personally, I think you’re of pretty weak stock if you can be felled by things found in trail mix, but I’m an idiot, not a doctor. Are they passed down genetically, is it random? For some reason, I can wrap my mind around Cancer, AIDS, Down Syndrome, but I just don’t get food allergies.

Is it possible I have a deadly food allergy to a food I’ve never eaten?Will I one day be eating some weird kind of Asian blueberry and I just swell up like the girl in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

 

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There won’t be Oompa Loompas to save me when I start to swell up. 

 

Seahawks Fans Are Not Ready For Brian Schottenheimer.

The Seahawks have a passionate fan base, just ask Darrell Bevell. Bevell was finally run out of town after the Seahawks failed to make the postseason for the first time in the Russell Wilson era. It was a year too late for most Seattle fans, these people wanted his blood after Superbowl XLIX. Be careful what you wish for Seahawks fans…you might get SCHOTT!

The NFL is where nepotism reigns supreme. Enter Brian Schottenheimer aka B-Shot aka Schotty Schotty Bang Bang. Pete Carroll has finally lost it. He hired Brian Schottenheimer to be his OC. You thought Bevel was bad? This guy has zero creativity and zero imagination when it comes to play calling and play design. For years I watched this guy suck in New York and then St. Louis.

A bad NFL Coordinator is like cancer, you think you’ve cut it out of the league for good, but it just goes into remission. It lies in wait for a few years and then it’s back. Poor Russell Wilson he is not going to like this guy. I give Schotty one year max in Seattle before Pete realizes the gravity of his mistake.

Guy Does Some Outerworldly Guitar Hero Feat.

This is why Reddit is awesome. It leads me to these kinds of videos, holy shit! I don’t even play guitar hero but I know I just watched something special. Watch the people in the chat window start to lose their minds as he gets close to 100% completion. Unless he can see through the blindfold I don’t see how it can be a fake video. Even if he can see it’s so much about perfect timing that doing it blindfolded doesn’t seem that much harder if you have the keys memorized as you would have to. In ten years there is no way I could be that song with my full vision. Props to Randyladyman for pulling that off.

The perfect timing it must have taken him reminds me of a scene from one of the best action movies ever The Rock.

A-Train Out.

Meat Vending Machine. One Step Closer to Robots Running Everything.

At first, I thought “Hey Meat Vending Machine, I’m gonna blog about how sweet this is.” Yes, of course, a meat vending machine is pretty sweet no matter the location. You’re out and about, your tummy rumbles, you look up and see meat. It’s the American Dream. An inside of a Nordstrom’s is like a labyrinth to the dumb male brain, we could get lost and die if not properly supplied. One second you are trying on a pair of loafers the next minute you can’t find your way out and death by starvation is becoming a hauntingly plausible scenario. A meat vending machine would definitely provide a stay of execution in that scenario, but at what cost?

Ever heard of a slippery slope? That’s what this is. First meat is coming out of a vending machine, how long before they start using these machines to sell soda? How long before they have a machine that sells candy, or snacks, or god forbid both! This is probably way down the road but imagine a machine that sells hot coffee and not just one kind but multiple flavors. Think of all the baristas that will be out of work!

Seriously I’m all for these things, I need meat vended in my direction more than just about anything else. It’s diet friendly, high in protein, and delicious. Now if I could just find a machine that with dispense me a fully fixed Chicago Style Hot Dog in Seattle that’d be great.

A-Train Out.

A-Train Asks: Three Important Questions on the Day of the Women’s March.

Today I have a new segment “A-Train Asks” where I am going to pose three questions to the reader. I’d like you to consider and answer each in your own mind. I’ll be giving my answers as well. Before I jump right into the questions, a quick anecdote about from where my questions stem.

I was in a fraternity in at the University of Missouri. See A-Train Sports Origin Story for more about that. Fraternity life was a bit of a mixed bag but one thing that has stayed with me from my fraternity days was The True Gentleman. It was the creed adopted by SAE and during my pledgeship, it was memorized and delivered word for word every night before we were allowed to go to bed. Why am I talking about this? For one I’ve wanted to write about the True Gentleman for a while. Second, I just felt that on a day when women (and men) are out marching in large part because of the man in the Whitehouse, that the time was right.

I have stayed off politics on this blog to the best of my ability. This is not meant to be a political statement, rather it’s my way to get people thinking about what kind of person should be running this or any country.

The Three Questions:

What does it mean to be a Gentleman?

Should the President be a Gentleman?

Is our current President a Gentleman?

Before I get to the first question I want to say that in 2018 this applies equally to women and when you read “Gentleman” think “Gentleman/Gentlewoman” or “Gentleperson” A woman can be President too guys, SHEESH!

What does it mean to be a Gentleman?

In 1899 the Baltimore Sun held a writing competition for who could give the best definition of a True Gentleman. A piece by John Walter Wayland, a young man not yet 30, would be declared the winner. I think you would be hard-pressed to find a better definition of a True Gentleman.

 

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This is so artfully penned that it almost brings tears to my eyes.

 

As you consider your own definition of a true gentleman, consider John Walter Wayland’s, I bet there is some overlap between the two. If not then I am in trouble and maybe you should go back to infowars.com or wherever you came from.

Should the President be a Gentleman?

If you ask “Should the President be a Gentleman” then what you are really asking is “Should the President embody the values of the True Gentleman”

Should the President have an acute sense of propriety?

Having an acute sense of what is proper and what is not is probably pretty important when dealing with a large and diverse nation.

Should the President have self-control no matter the emergency?

Jesus Christ Yes! Resounding Yes! FDR once told a frightened nation that “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” This is the kind of self-control needed in the White House.

Should the President make the poor conscious of their poverty, Etcetera?

I don’t think the President is supposed to make the citizens that need his help the most feel like shit. Is that part of the job description?

Should the President be humble if forced by the situation to humble others?

Yes, humility will save American lives when the military has to “humble someone” and when you need humble a political opponent humility leaves open a door to negotiate.

Should the President flatter wealth?

No, that’s not his job nor should it be in his nature.

Should the President cringe before power?

Fuck No.

Should the President boast of his possessions?

Doesn’t seem very “Presidential”

Should the President boast of his achievements?

I will allow some, you do need to get elected. Once President though, his achievements should be framed as “our achievements” He didn’t do anything by himself.

Should the President be frank in speech and manner, speaking with sincerity and sympathy?

Obvious yes.

Should the President’s deed follow his word?

Obvious yes.

Should the President think of the rights and feeling of others rather than his own?

This is pretty much his job.

Should the President appear well in any company? 

You deal with Rich, Poor, Asians, Africans, Europeans, South Americans, Old, Young, Wounded, Democrat, Republican, Socialist, Dictator….you deal with a variety of people probably good to look at ease no matter who you are around.

Should honor be sacred and virtue safe with the President?

Let’s see the highest award we have is called the “Medal of Honor” yes honor should be sacred. The same goes for a woman’s honor. Do I need to say that virtue should be safe? You’re the President for Christ’s sake, but yes for the record.

I think the answer to “Should the President be a Gentleman?” is a resounding yes.

Now to the fun part, the third question…

Is our current President (Donald Trump) a Gentleman? 

This is a tough question.

Does Donald Trump have an acute sense of propriety?

Well, just how acute is your sense of propriety if you’re calling out “Shithole” countries, behind closed doors or not. Every other president in my lifetime was able to avoid doing this. Grade F.

Does Donald Trump have self-control equal to all emergencies?

When Donald Trump gets even a little upset he loses it and goes on Twitter rants. NY Times keeps a nice little list of all his twitter beefs. These are not even emergencies, a real emergency will hopefully not rear it’s ugly head because twitter can’t solve actual problems. Grade F

The next two I’m going to present as one because they go hand in hand.

Does Trump make the poor conscious of their poverty, the obscure of their obscurity etcetera…is he himself humbled when necessity compels him to humble another?

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This is a great tweet because he resource-shames North Korea (making the poor man conscious of his poverty) He feels compelled by necessity to humble N. Korea as any president might, but he does it in the least humble way possible…Grade F

skipping ahead to a later question because it’s relevant here and I want to tie it in

Does Trump speak with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy? LOL

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These are great tweets, because Kim Jong-un is an unstable piece of shit. They are not, however, the remarks a President should be making on twitter. They do nothing to help the situation with them and only serve to bolster Trump’s ego and fire up his fans. This is not a guy who can forgo what he thinks is a witty remark even if the health of the nation is at stake. This is just one remark. Go back through his tweets you will find that he may speak frankly but rarely is it with any sympathy or sincerity.

Does Trump flatter wealth? Does Trump boast of his possession and achievements?

I think one could argue that this is all that he does. He loves to flatter wealth nobody’s more than his own. Does he boast of his possessions or achievements? His entire campaign was built on boasting. The list of example I can give of Trump boasts borders on infinite. If you hate yourself enough read one of his books it’s boasting in novel form. Final Grade F

Does Trump Cringe before Power?

This one is debatable. I’m not sure Trump Cringes before much. Maybe when he has to pay taxes, but even then he just becomes president and “reforms” taxes. Americans often cringe when he speaks, but I digress. Does he cringe before power? You could sway me in both directions. I can’t give him an F. He’s getting a Final Grade B.

Does Trump’s deed follow his word?

Well, he certainly is deporting people as fast as he possibly can. But seriously the answer is no.

 

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Source: Washington Post. 

Grade F.

Wrapping it up because I think the answer is becoming clear…

Does Trump put the rights and feeling of others ahead of before his own? Does he appear well in any company? Is he a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe?

He makes sure the wealthy and elite are taken care of first, he is constantly making a faux pas when dealing with both domestic and foreign leaders. He didn’t give a shit about Puerto Rico and as for Virtue…

 

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What a splendid way to refer to whoever you were dating at the time. What a gentleman.

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Ladies how safe does your virtue feel?

Triple F.

Yikes, Trump does not live up to J.W. Wayland’s definition of a True Gentleman. Not. Even. Close. I barely had to dig for examples of what a shitheel this guy can be.

The True Gentleman is something to strive for, it’s damn near impossible to achieve at all times, it’s not human nature to be a true gentleman, it is a discipline. I’m not saying that I am a True Gentleman, but I am not the POTUS. America deserves a True Gentleman at the helm or one who at least strives in that direction. -A-Train Out.

 

 

Not So Breaking News: I Finally Remember Where I Heard “Dilly Dilly” Before.

If you watch the NFL then you have seen Bud Light’s Dilly Dilly ad campaign. When I saw my first “dilly, dilly” commercial I gave it a slight chuckle, it was kinda funny. The problem with any successful ad campaign is that once it becomes too popular it gets really grating. Now every idiot with a Bud Light is saying “dilly dilly” and I am really starting to hate it. Some morons have even gotten “dilly dilly” tattooed on their body.

This blog isn’t about the divisive nature of “dilly, dilly.” It’s about the fact that I know I have heard “dilly, dilly” before. Normally I am good at making the connection but this time there was a real disconnect. I was drawing a blank on “dilly, dilly” until my mom came to visit. It was the combination of seeing my mom and hearing her mention lavender that triggered my memory.

When I was a little baby my mom used to sing this song to me and then later she would sing it to my little sister.

Lavender’s Blue

Ok so they kinda lifted it from Old England, as I suspected it was kinda clever but nothing original. Then I see that in 2015 the song was part of the Cinderella soundtrack and now I am fully out on “dilly dilly” Not original and just used by Disney less than 3 years ago.

If you’re one of the people who got a Dilly Dilly tattoo, you got lyrics to Cinderella on your body bro.

So then there is the video from Bussiness Insider. Notice at the end when they ask him if he’s suing the people selling “dilly, dilly” shirts he says no…it’s not out of benevolence. He wouldn’t have much of a case, they didn’t invent “dilly, dilly”.

Hopefully Dilly Dilly doesn’t have the staying power of those stupid Budweiser Frogs but you never know. A-Train Out.

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And Then There Were Four: The Mount Rushmore of the NFL.

Sure most people had the Patriots mentally etched on the 2017 version of the NFL’s Mount Rushmore. That was easy, New England is making their 7th consecutive appearance in the AFC Championship Game. However, if before the season started you told me the other three teams left would be The Eagles, Vikings, and Jaguars I might have looked at you crosseyed. Still, this is where football fans find themselves heading into the Championship weekend.

Nick Foles, Case Keenum, Blake Bortles, and Tom Brady? The greatest of all time, two throwaway players from the Rams and a guy most people wanted to see benched will be leading their respective squads into next weekend. This alone has most of America penciling in Tom Brady into another Super Bowl Victory. That would be his sixth.

To quote Lee Corso, “not so fast my friend.”
First, let me say I know better than to pick against the Patriots and Belichick. But stranger things have happened and I don’t think you can just pencil the Pats into the Superbowl and have them win it just yet.

Let me make a case for the other teams.

I picked the Jags, Vikings, and Eagles all to win and somehow they all did, granted all these games were close and came down to the wire. My reasoning in each game was to just pick the team with the better defense. No matter who the Patriots play they will be up against a very good defense.

The Patriots played a preseason game vs the Jags but they have not seen any of these teams in the regular season yet. Belichick seems to be much better the second time he plays a team, I almost think he’d rather be playing the Steelers. He knows they own the Steelers, especially in the playoffs. The Jaguars are more of an unknown.

The Recipe to beat New England is to be more physical, get to Brady and get in his face and not make any mistakes of your own. We saw the Jets do this in 2010. The Denver Broncos hounded Brady in the 2016 AFC Championship Game. The Giants claimed 2 Superbowls behind their ability to rattle Brady enough to win. The Jags are built in that mold. Tom Coughlin has helped see to it. Can Blake Bortles do just enough to let his defense try and beat Brady? I’m excited to see him try.

Minnesota needs to beat Philadelphia, for a victorious Patriots team to lose in the Superbowl. I give the Eagles little to no chance to beat the Pats, Minnesota is a different story. The fact that the Superbowl is being played in Minnesota cannot be ignored. The Vikings would get an edge in the Superbowl no team has ever had before, there is no precedent as to how it could affect them.

Chances to beat the Patriots:

Jaguars in New England: 40% Chance.

I almost want to make this higher just based on the Tom Coughlin factor. He’s Belichick kryptonite it is weird.

Minnesota in the Super Bowl: 35% Chance.

Eagles in the Super Bowl: 2% Chance.

For the Eagles to have any chance in the Superbowl I think they need the Jaguars to beat New England. I don’t see Foles beating Belichick no matter how well the Eagles defense plays. (Philly vs NE is the one Superbowl Matchup that holds no excitement for me, give me any of the other three possibilities)

I have talked to the guys in the band Night Ranger and they said if Blake Bortles wins in Gillette Stadium they will change the lyrics to Sister Christian.

Sister Christian  Mister Bortles
Oh the time has come
And you know that you’re the only one
To say okay
Where you going
What you looking for
You know those boys
Don’t want to play no more with you
It’s true
You’re motoring  Bortleing
What’s your price for flight
In finding mister right
You’ll be alright tonight
Babe Blake, you know
You’re growing up so fast
And mama’s Big Cat’s worrying
That you won’t last
To say let’s play
Sister Christian Mister Bortles
There’s so much in life
Don’t you give it up
Before your time is due
It’s true
It’s true yeah
Motoring Bortleing
What’s your price for flight
You’ve got him in your sight
And driving through the night
Motoring Bortleing
What’s your price for flight
In finding mister right
You’ll be alright tonight
Motoring Bortleing
What’s your price for flight
In finding mister right
You’ll be alright tonight
Motoring  Bortleing
What’s your price for flight
In finding mister right
You’ll be alright tonight
Sister Christian Mister Bortles.
Oh the time has come
And you know that you’re the only one
To say okay
But you’re motoring Bortleing
Yeah motoring Jaggin’ Off.
 I think it’s quite the improvement. They will be singing this in Jacksonville if Blake can Bortle an upset.

 

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Hottest Shirt in Florida Right Now.

 

 

Mea Culpa: The Train’s Worst Takes So Far…

This website has been around long enough for me to start owning my mistakes. So without further ado, I present some of my works takes thus far.

The Titanic of Bad Takes: The Rams will be so bad that Todd Gurley won’t be worth keeping in fantasy. 

Coming out of the gates hot with a shit take on the LA Rams and Todd Gurley. The worst part is that I have been a fan of Gurley since he stepped on the field at The University of Georgia. I drafted him out of college onto my keeper league. I watched him crush it his rookie year. The 2016 Rams were so bad they had nowhere to go but up. Gurley had nowhere to go but up. Why didn’t I see this? Why did I let my franchise keeper back into the draft pool? Panic set in and fear of going through another season of Todd Gurley getting 50 yards and no TDs every week paralyzed an otherwise sound (usually) mind.

In reality, He pretty much won everybody who drafted him their leagues to the point people donated their winnings in his honor.

Lauri Markkanen is too soft to be a good NBA player:

He looked soft as hell in college what can I say? The thing is, his game is more suited to the NBA regardless of his physicality. He grew into his body over the summer and my concerns about his toughness have waned. This week he jumped to the top of the CBS Sports NBA Rookie Ratings.

I’ll let my Blake Harris take speak for itself:

Blake Harris: I love our true freshman PG. This guy has a lot of potential, he might be the best passer on the team already. He’s small but doesn’t get intimidated. I expect this guy to ball at Mizzou for years to come.”

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Halfway through the fucking season (not even) and this guy is already out of Columbia. Nobody will ever accuse me of being Nostradamus.

There it is folks, I’m no Nick Wright, but I still have some bad takes. My top three speak for themselves… I’ll try and do better in 2018. A-Train Out.

Shout out to the Patron Saint of Bad Takes Skip Bayless.

Jalen Hurts Isn’t Getting His Job Back. It’s Tua Time in Tuscaloosa.

That was a mic drop of a TD pass. It was one of three that Tua Tagovailoa tossed in relief of the ineffectual Jalen Hurts. The Tide were dead in the water at halftime if something didn’t change down 13-0 to Georgia.

Then Nick Saban pulled a Dread Pirate Roberts. He told Kirby Smart at halftime “I’m not lefthanded either”

Saban just happened to have a true freshman QB remarkably better at throwing a football than Jalen Hurts and is no slouch in the run game. Ironically Saban’s version of “I’m not lefthanded either” was to play the untested lefty quarterback on the biggest stage in the most pressure-packed situation. Total Dread Pirate Roberts move. Lucky for Saban the kid has ice water running through his veins. His TD pass on 4th down to tie the game at 20-20 was almost more impressive than his pass to win the game.

I’ve been a bit of a Jalen Hurts apologist but he is now the backup. He is situational now, there is no holding back Tua and I’m pretty sure Saban knows it. Going forward with Jalen Hurts is a recipe to get passed by the Georgia’s and Auburn’s of the SEC, you don’t want a disadvantage at that position.

Lost in the Tua performance is just how good Jake Fromm can be. We are just witnessing the beginning of this guys rise as a QB. The fact that Justin Fields the #1 dual threat QB is coming to Athens blows my mind. I don’t see how he gets on the field at QB while Fromm is commanding the offense like a college Peyton Manning.

At least one of these teams is going to be back in the playoffs next season. I think we see the SEC Championship game featuring both these teams in 2018. A-Train Out.

Alabama vs Georgia: Breaking Down the Matchups. Plus Final Prediction.

One thing is perfectly clear from my gambling picks in the semifinals, I’m not digging deep enough. I need to go beyond the X’s and O’s and really see who has the true advantage when it comes to Alabama vs Georgia.

Mascots: Crimson Tide vs Bulldogs. 

Alabama is the Crimson Tide the mascot, however, is an Elephant. For a detailed explanation of how that came to pass see here.

 

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Elephant picks up 500kg water buffalo just to show the kids how it’s done. Photographer watches in awe. Via Reddit. 

 

Alabama has the Advantage here regardless of if we are going with “Crimson Tide” (which sounds super badass) or The Elephant…both are beating out The Bulldog. If you ask me Tigers, Wildcats, and Bulldogs are all pretty basic mascots. The SEC has three Tigers (LSU, Mizzou, Auburn) one Wildcat (Kentucky) and two Bulldogs (Mississippi State & Georgia) Way to be original guys. The Elephant is one of my favorite animals, its big smart and mostly gentle, but do not fuck with it or it will stampede you into dust.

Advantage: Bama.

State Symbols: Alabama Coat of Arms vs Georgia State Seal.

Having a Coat of Arms is pretty badass, it was news to me that Alabama had their own Coat of Arms. Then I saw it. At first glance, it looked cool, similar to a European coat of arms. Some of the other states have coats of arms but none of them look as authentic as Alabama’s.   Then I took a closer look and it’s actually a little problematic.Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 3.20.12 PM

It’s got a British and a Confederate Flag quartered in the escutcheon. Super Patriotic. The Latin at the bottom translates: We Dare Defend Our Rights. What’s at the crest I can only assume is a slave ship carrying some of the state’s first immigrants into Alabama. Not the best look. When you consider they adopted this in 1939, it appears, even more, a try hard move.

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The State Seal of Georgia is pretty classy if you ask me. Zero references to being the loser in the American Civil War. Pretty much just three solid ideas wisdom, justice, and moderation. Then we have a little fellow sword drawn ready to defend the constitution. Well done Georgia, you managed to not put a slave ship on a state symbol.

Advantage: Georgia

State Insect: Monarch Butterfly (Alabama) vs Honey Bee (Georgia)

Butterflies are cool to look at but never forget how it used to be a gross caterpillar. Honey Bees provide us with honey. We don’t really have any other way to get it. We need bees in a big way.

Bees are super important to the ecosystem. How? Something about pollen I don’t know I’m not a scientist. Google it.

Advantage: Georgia

Coach’s Hair Situation: Nick Saban’s Hair vs Kirby Smart’s Hair.

This one isn’t fair. Saban keeps his dome in perfect order. In many ways, the Alabama team is a direct reflection of Nick Saban’s personal appearance. Organized down to the last detail.

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Kirby can’t touch this.
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Bad Visual Kirby.

Georgia fans are hoping that his hair is not a reflection of how the team performs. So far it hasn’t been a problem but as we all know bad hair has a tendency to rear its ugly head during championship games.

As anyone can see no matter how you break it down these team are very evenly matched. History and my head is telling me that Alabama wins this game and covers the point spread but if Georgia brings it’s A game and can get an early lead, then I would not be shocked at all if the Bulldogs pull the upset. It would be sweet Irony if Fromm got knocked out of this game and Eason had to come in and win it for Georgia. I’d love to see Georgia win but Saban is the New England Patriots of College Football and I think he gets another title.

Prediction: Alabama 28 Georgia 23.