Matt Forte is Hanging Up His Cleats.

 

Matt Forte decided to call it quits in the NFL after 10 seasons.

As a lifelong Bears fan, I’d like to get serious for a moment because Matt Forte is one of my all-time favorite football players. Matt Forte was an easy player to root for. He was the kind of player that always did his job, Bill Belichick would have loved him. There was no part of his game that was lacking as a running back, in many ways he was the prototype for a 3-Down back in the NFL.

Forte didn’t have blazing speed, but he had a burst that he knew how and when to use. He could make just about any single man miss in the open field and he could do it without slowing down. He was good in pass protection but he was a far bigger threat when he got involved as a pass catcher. Forte isn’t going to retire with a Championship ring, he was never an MVP, but he does hold one NFL record. The record for most catches by a running back in a single season (102). Breaking the record held by Larry Centers (101). Forte’s accomplishment was all the more special because he did it in a season in which he rushed for over 1000 yards. Making him the only player with 100+ catches and 1000+ rush yards in one season. His threat as a receiver both in the screen game and down the field made Forte a special kind of RB.

a trip down memory lane the 2008 draft…

I follow the draft every year, I am an NFL draft junkie. The 2008 NFL Draft may have been the one I followed the closest. I had just moved to Seattle, I didn’t know anybody, so I buried myself in draft magazines and internet articles. This draft was especially exciting because the Bears were in need of the “sexy” positions. Wide Reciever, but especially running back. Cedric Benson had been a bust and it was time for someone else to tote the rock in Chicago. Not only did the Bears need a running back but this draft, in particular, appeared to be loaded with running back talent. Let’s take a look back…

RB Draft Order 2008.

  1. Darren McFadden – Arkansas. (4th) A stud who looked like a can’t miss player, never really played great, still in the NFL as of today.
  2. Jonathan Stewart – Oregon. (13th) Cut by Carolina today, leaves their all-time leading rusher.
  3. Felix Jones – Arkansas. (22nd) Typically short NFL career for his position did show flashes but injuries took their toll.
  4. Rashard Mendenhall – Illinois. (23rd) He had some very productive seasons in Pittsburgh, then went to where running backs go to die: Arizona.
  5. Chris Johnson – East Carolina. (24th) (last RB drafted in first round) One monster season set lofty expectations that would never be repeated. Also went to Arizona to die. 
  6. Matt Forte – Tulane. (44th Overall.) All-Time Bear Great.
  7. Ray Rice – Rutgers. (55th) Super Bowl Champion with Ravens, out of the league after domestic abuse tape emerges.
  8. Kevin Smith – UCF. (64th) (first pick of the third round.) When you are a RB and the Lions draft you unless your name is Barry Sanders you kinda suck.
  9. Jacob Hester – LSU. (fullback) (69th) Wasted Pick.
  10. Jamaal Charles – Texas. (73rd) Speedster, Pro Bowler, with injury issues, was a top fantasy player for years.
  11. Steve Slaton – West Virginia. (89th) One flash in the pan good season then was out of the league soon after.

other RB’s of note: Tim Hightower (149 overall), Peyton Hillis (227 overall), Justin Forsett (233 overall).

Didn’t Peyton Hillis make the Madden Cover?

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People forget a white browns running back drafted 226th was on the Madden cover.

When the pick came to the Bears I was actually thinking they would draft Ray Rice, who I had watched at Rutgers and thought would be an excellent NFL RB. When the pick came up Forte I went back to my magazines to read all the blurbs. He seemed solid on paper but I had never seen the Tulane RB play for real. Two preseason games in and I was sold we had our RB of the future. I drafted him in fantasy football his rookie season and won the total points title for my league. He would win me another fantasy title later in his career. I was pretty keen to draft him when I could. He was never the best RB in the NFL, but he was always a very solid player with a very high floor.

I have a road white #22 Bears Jersey in my closet. Forte was my guy. Atrainsports wishes you and your family all the best going forward, buddy. Perhaps behind the booth? We can do better than Charles Davis. A-Train Out.

The End of an Era in Chicago: The Bears Cut Mike Glennon. (this has not officially happened yet.)

I’m a little confused right now. When I heard the Bears made cuts to their roster yesterday I just assumed one of those cut was Mike Glennon. Turns out they just cut Quentin Demps and Pernell McPhee. This is annoying because I have already titled my blog post and I don’t want to change it. Hold on let me look into my crystal ball. The ball is telling me that it won’t be much longer. The ball has been off before, but this time I think it’s correct. There is no way we keep Mike Glennon on this roster.

It’s too bad. The ladies of Chicago are going to miss this stud-muffin quarterback. When this guy took off his helmet in Chicago he was known to soak a woman’s panties to the point of dehydration.

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6’6 most of it cock. Sploosh.

Sadly, Looks Aren’t Everything. <-This is a Life Lesson. Write it Down.

Glennon’s on the field play could not match his off the field looks, though and he got benched for the much uglier, much nerdier named…Mitchell Trubisky. This Journalist thinks that the only reason Glennon has not been cut is as a favor to all the gay and female employees (of which there are many) down at Halas Hall. An unnamed female intern is quoted as saying “Every time he’s in the facilities I just hope to catch a glimpse of that hammer jutting out from his athletic shorts, it’s seriously the only reason I still show up to work, I hate my job. This is off the record right?” I think just for company morale Glennon is here until they absolutely must cut him for cap reasons.

That will leave us with Mitchell Trubisky. I hope this guy can make it in Chicago, a city that is known to have a large population of “size queens.” A special breed of size queen that values neck length above all other traits. Mitch has a neck of average length at best. He will have to win people over with his play on the field because I just don’t see him getting too much play off the field.

I’m sorry but Mitch is a boy, most women want a man.

 

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Enter: Mr. Steal-yo-girl. The name’s Glennon, Mike Glennon. This Black guy helps me keep that groupie beaver at bay, I’m married. (Wink).

After the Bears but Glennon what will be his next step? Sure he could continue to hack away at an NFL career, picking his boogers on the sideline as a backup to a less attractive QB, but why not retire. Do dancing with the stars, start your acting/modeling career. The sky’s the limit. You know this Mike, your giraffe neck has you up there already. Whatever you choose Mike, ATrainSports is Rooting for You.

Atrain Out.

P.S. barstoolsports.com please give me a job.

 

Throwback Thursday: Operation Paperclip, or How America Got to The Moon Using Nazi Scientists.

Fun throwback Thursday today, kinda of a did-you-know for all my non-history buffs. ( I imagine that’s most of my readers) I’m talking about Operation Paperclip. The effort by the United States to relocate as many Nazi scientists and their families back to the United States as possible. It turns out we got a lot of guys really good at aeronautics at rocketry and by 1969 we were putting men on the Moon. In your face Russia!

Speaking of Boris, the Russians were probably the driving force behind Paperclip. The only convincing Truman needed to approve Operation Paperclip was the prospect of said scientists falling into the hands of Stalin and the Soviet Union.  The absolute last thing the US wanted was a country of Russia’s size and population with advantage in tech as well. Especially in the wake of the Atomic Bomb, the US knew that Germany was developing atomic technology, and they knew Russia wanted it bad.

The Russians were not fully thwarted in that regard, carrying out their own versions of Paperclip in Operation Osoaviakhim and Russian Alsos.

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(Wernher von Braun) Does this look like the face of a former Nazi scientist getting ready to land on the Moon?

The Crown Jewel of Operation Paperclip was a man named Wernher von Braun. It was von Braun who developed the V-2 rocket technology, and he who envisioned using it as a means to reach outer space. His ballistic missile program working out of Fort Bliss Texas would eventually be folded into NASA. He would be just one of a few former Nazi’s in ground control during Apollo 11.

 

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Fort Bliss Rocket Scientists relocated from Germany.

 

One of the worst things we brought back from Germany was the idea that we could do experiments on our own people without their consent. Operation Paperclip opened the door for Project MKUltra. The CIA’s mind control project. This was a page taken directly out of the Nazi playbook, as Nazi scientists had already been giving LSD to Russians and studying its effects during interrogation.

Remember Stranger Things? Eleven’s mom was supposedly one of the MKUltra patients.

*Should be noted that the involvement of these men in the Nazi Party was wide-ranging, some were forced to work for Hitler, others were the voluntary card-carrying Nazi Party members.

So we got to the Moon on the back of Nazi science and technology, big deal, they were using it wrong anyway. I’m not sure why they don’t mention it in schools when they teach about the moon landing though.  Hope you learned something! A-Train Out.

The City of Seattle Seems 100% Positive About An NHL Team. Bonus: What Do We Call Them?

 

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Our Mayor a few days ago.

 

All signs are pointing to Hockey in Seattle and it’s now a matter of when not if. This is great news for the city of Seattle. The team will be playing in a renovated key arena at the Seattle Center. This is great news for me as I live a short 10-minute walk from the stadium. Can you say season tickets?

I’ve been skimming Facebook comments for some of the best/worst suggestions, and have a couple of my own to throw in as well. We don’t need another Las Vegas Golden Knights situation. That name is god-awful.

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Facebook teems with unoriginality let’s start with the banal suggestions.

  1. The Seattle Freeze. Can we not go with something obvious and terrible, please. I know the “Seattle Freeze” is a thing, it’s just not a thing to name your hockey team.
  2. The Seattle Chill. This is along the same line but worse.
  3. The Seattle Emeralds? An emerald is just a green rock it doesn’t even do anything.
  4. The Seattle Snowflakes. Ok, this wasn’t a suggestion  I just slipped it in.
  5. The Seattle Fog. Better than Emeralds. Still Bad.

Awesome Names I Came Up With:

These would never get chosen and I know this still I think they’d all be cool in their own way.

The Seattle Geoducks pronounced Gooey-Ducks, the Geoduck is a local bivalve (think giant clam) native only to these parts. Ok maybe a giant clam doesn’t do anything either but our rivalry with the Anaheim Ducks would take off right away.

 

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When a clam tries to grow the trunk of an elephant you get a Geoduck!

 

The Seattle Cephs. (short for cephalopods) For you no-science-knowing-sons-of-baptist-preachers, the Cephalopods are any animal from class Cephalopoda, which includes Squids, Octopus, and Cuttlefish. The Mascot would obviously be a surely looking Octopus but Seattle Cephs rolls off the tongue in a way Seattle Octopus does not, and it sounds way classier than Seattle Squids.

 

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Terrifying Monster of the Sea!

 

The Seattle Cranes, no not the bird. The Piece of construction equipment, they are everywhere in Seattle, it seems an apt nickname. J/K this is a terrible team name, I just needed to work the cranes into this blog somehow.

 

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They’re everywhere!

 

The Seattle Chiefs. I mean our city is named after a Native American Chief. I’m also super partial to the movie Slapshot so obviously, if we could get away with Chiefs I’d be all about it.

 

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or when you beat off and cum real quick.

 

The Sea-tac Krakens, Sounds cooler than Seattle Krakens and since our airport is Seatac airport it sorta makes sense. The people of Tacoma will be thrilled to be included on our pro sports team. This is taking the cephalopod idea and injecting it with steroids and meth. The Kraken, terrifying mythic creature of the deep, destroyer, badass hockey team. I’m down. Game of Thrones is still hot in the streets Krakens could have some pull you never know.

 

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Source: Deviant Art by Eronzki999.

 

 

I’m just scratching the surface of the name brainstorm comment with suggestions of your own.

Bring back the Past:

Seattle has had hockey before and one of the most common suggestions on Facebook was for the return of the Seattle Metropolitans winners of the 1917 Stanley Cup. I’m not crazy about the names but I love the nod to the past so if the went with the Mets I think I’d be ok with that. I just am wary of sharing a name with a poopy NY baseball team.

 

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We are in the middle of a pretty long championship drought.

or Perhaps the…

Seattle Totems – Another throwback to a former Seattle professional hockey team.

 

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That’s actually a pretty solid hockey sweater.

 

 

No Matter the name, I will be happy when Hockey arrives. A-Train Out.

 

 

Did I Find PFT Commenter’s More Attractive Twin Brother?

And Twins!! Turnabout is fair play gentleman. Ladies can be into twins now too and I’ve got a treat for them. You thought one PFT commenter was good well how about twins?

While surfing IG I got hit with a sponsored ad that caught my attention. A male model was trying to be PFT commenter and my initial reaction was outrage. At first, I thought I might hunt this imposter down like the dog that he is, but then it occurred to me, what if they are related?

 

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He’s even bad at growing facial hair like PFT! Do these two share DNA?

 

 

It’s a bad look to kill the brother of someone you admire so much. I’m currently trying to dig deeper into who this guy is, I have to know why a PFT clone is walking around New York City with the real McCoy in such close proximity. What if the real PFT is going to be replaced by this guy? What is he planning? So many questions. All I know is that Big Cat is no longer the only member of PMT with a dopplegänger.

What is the real PFT Commenter gonna think of this guy?

pft 1

The one thing we know for sure is that PFT commenter’s got the look if this podcast blog thing falls through my man has a career as a male supermodel. He might need to cut carbs and do a little soul-cycle but I think he’s halfway there. A-Train Out.

 

A-Train Eats Out: Shiro’s (Phrasing) or Celebrating Chinese New Year with Japanese Food.

It was the first day of the Chinese New Year, a Friday, and my best friend P-Dog had just got a promotion from Amazon. Congrats bud. P-Dog also happened to owe me a meal for taking care of his cats for 8 days, so it seemed like a perfect day for a Shiro’s run.

What’s Shiro’s you ask? Well, it’s the best place to get sushi in Seattle, a town known for its seafood. That’s the short answer.

Before some food-nerd chirps me about how Shiro’s is no longer owned by Shiro Kashiba, and how Shiro has a new place called Sushi Kashiba, I know all that. I have been to Sushi Kashiba on multiple occasions. I have had Shiro as my chef at both restaurants. Even with the namesake Shiro out of the picture, Shiro’s is still the top dog in the sushi game.

Sushi Kashiba looks swankier on the inside, the wait staff is whiter, and the bill will be higher, the line to get into the bar might even be a little longer. The Omakase experience, which is all I care about, is not better. The Shiro’s Omakase takes the cake.

How we do our Shiro’s. Things to expect.

  • Get in line early for the bar. Sometimes an hour early if you need to get seated at the first seating. P-Dog and I want to be first in line because we want very specific seats at the bar. There are about 13 seats at an L-shaped sushi bar. Think 3 seats and 10 seats make up the L. We want to be on the 3 seat part of the L because those seats give you a peek behind the scenes and you a certain to be served by the Head Chef. Monday-Friday the Head Chef is a white guy from Hawaii named Aaron. Do not be worried about a white sushi chef, Aaron knows what he’s about. He spent many years in Japan honing his craft.
  • He is a culinary all-star.If they try to deny you your rightful seat by the Head Chef because it’s a new host who doesn’t recognize you, insist until you get your way. It didn’t take much insisting, I took one look at Aaron and he made sure we were in our proper place.Omakase is what you order at the bar. It means chef’s choice and they feed you until you are full, while minding any allergies or things you know you dislike. If you want to look like a jerk sit at the bar and don’t order Omakase. Sushi snobs like P-Dog and I will silently mock you. Usually, we say no abalone because it’s not great, and I don’t like cuttlefish but it’s rarely on the menu.
  • Sitting at the bar, unless you are in a big group, you interact a lot with the people around you. This is the wildcard of sushi culture because you get all kinds of people. You get the people who know nothing about sushi…these people can be bad or really awesome because you get to witness someone’s eye’s being opened to something amazing. Then you get the sushi know-it-all-know-nothing. This is the fucking idiot who tries to impress with his order at the bar, not realizing you sit at the bar not to order. If this guy does order Omakase he’s still trying to order shit during the meal. “Like do you guys have Uni, let me get some Uni” Dude just shut the fuck up and the chef will give you Uni when he decides it’s time. They serve these fish in an order for a reason! You get lots of cool normal people, people on business, on dates, lots of special occasions. Then you get weirdos.
  • We had a weirdo in earshot last night. Youngish looking, extremely softspoken, would not shut up. He had a tendency to say the most obvious thing ever or just relate anything back to something he once did. Worse He was the most beta of beta males I’ve ever seen.
  • I barely ate all day, and I feel like I could eat the entire ocean by the time we sit down. A-Train recommends bring your appetite or you will bow out of the meal before you meet all the sea creatures.

Final Tip: If you do become a Omakase regular, make sure to visit at different times of the year, fish are seasonal, my personal favorite time of year for Shiro’s is the fall.

Let the feast begin!

 

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Left: Snapper. (I forget which kind.) Right: Triggerfish topped with steamed triggerfish liver.

Usually, I never take pictures of my sushi unless it’s something crazy I’ve never had, but Friday night I wanted to make a close friend jealous so I pretty much live-tweeted him the entire meal.

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Seared Goldeneye Snapper.
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Yellow-Tail family fish flight.
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Left: Salmon Belly. Right: Copper River Sockeye.
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Don’t be scared, Mrs. Shrimp. It will all be over soon. 

 

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Hello Mrs. Shrimp. It appears as if you’ve lost your head.

It’s somewhere around here that I text P-Dog my hypothesis, soft-spoken weirdo has a micro-penis.

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Scallop with Plum Sauce.

The shrimp is sweet and delicious, scallop doesn’t disappoint either.

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Mr. Shrimp wants to know what’s in the box. John Doe has the upper hand!

Pat yourself on the back if you get the reference to Se7en.

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Left to Right: Uni (Maine, Salmon Roe, Uni (Japan).

A polarizing piece of Nigiri, Uni is always a highlight for P-Dog and me.

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Albacore and Albacore Belly.

At this point, P-Dog and I are texting back and forth what we can’t say out loud regularly. I can’t stop making fun of the weirdo. It’s like Dustin Hoffman from the Rainman is a little less autistic and a lot more into sushi. He won’t stop talking. It’s getting out of hand.

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Left: Seared Barracuda Right: Japanese Perch (prized whitefish of Japan according to Chef) 

The weirdo now exclaims how he “smelled some marijuana” when the front door opened, so not only does he have a micropeen, he’s also a narc. P-Dog almost spit-takes at the text.

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A special treat: live octopus. 
This was a first a Shiro’s, best Octopus I’ve had there.

 

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Native Only to the Pacific Northwest: Geoduck.

Weido informs us that the Manatee is also called a Sea-Cow. I honestly want to know what else I learned by the 4th grade he wants to teach us.

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A little bit of precum gathers when I see Chef getting out the tuna.

The Weirdo’s friend is mercifully forming a bit of a buffer zone, but to be honest he’s making the meal more fun now, not less.

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Tuna (Maguro) Flight. All from one fish, a Spanish caught bluefin tuna. Left to Right: Akami (lean), chutoro (medium-fatty), marinated chutoro, Otoro (ultra-fatty).

These pieces melt in your mouth, even the lean. The Otoro is straight up butter.

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Jack Mackeral.
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Flounder topped with pickled radish.

This meal is starting to have that epic feel to it.

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Monkfish Liver the fois gras of the sea.

Weirdo has had fois gras, but not of the sea. He’s been telling us a lot of things he’s had before. Thing’s he’s never had? A moment of silence.

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King Crab.
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Smoked King Mackeral.

You can’t bow out of an omakase meal until AFTER you get this piece.

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Shad.
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Kushi Oyster.

The weird-guy has never had an oyster. He also doen’t like them?

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Needlefish.
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Seared Pickled Herring. A second (not pictured) was immediately ordered and devoured. 

At this point, the only fish we have left to try is the Eel which is served at the end, so this is the “revisit” section where you go back to pieces you need again.

 

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Chutoro was A+ gotta get more.
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This was my favorite from the yellowtail family. I think i
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Seared Barracuda and Seared Goldeneye Snapper. As a rule, almost all pieces that get a taste of the torch are worth a revisit.

 

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Flounder was worth a second look.

 

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When Chef Aaron ask if you want anything special, we tell him chef’s choice handroll. He delivered in spades with this Tuna Handrolled with chopped radish and sesame.

They call it a hand roll because you want to eat it the second it’s handed to you. (Before the seaweed paper had a chance to lose its crunch.) I had to snap this picture as quickly as possible. Also if you see premade handrolls you now know to avoid them.

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Double Order Unagi. (Freshwater Eel)

For the first time in the almost 10 years of coming to this place, I had the forethought to order double eel for P-Dog and myself. The Eel course is always after the revisit section but is worth a revisit of its own.

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Double Order Anago. (Saltwater Eel)

 

Final Piece Not Pictured: Tamago – Sweet Egg. 

I forgot to take a pic of the sweet egg but if you can picture a yellowish rectangle, you are pretty much looking at tamago.

  • I did a google image search and all the picture of tamago were basically what you would see at a lower tier restaurant, this is not the professional stuff. Then I googled “Tamago Jiro” in reference to the movie Jiro Dreams of SushiScreen Shot 2018-02-17 at 6.52.02 PM I was lucky to find this, an almost carbon copy of the same dish at Shiro’s. Shiro Kashiba was an apprentice for Jiro back in Japan.

That’s All Folks! If you come to Seattle and like sushi, hit up Shiro’s in Belltown. I give it my stamp of ultimate approval. Someday I’d like to make enough money to eat here all the time, not three times a year if I’m lucky.

-A-Train Out.

I leave you with this little video, it gives you an idea of the L shaped bar I was talking about and you can see Chef Aaron doing his thing.

 

 

The Year of the Dog Begins Today. It’s My Zodiac Sign and I’m Giving a Shout-Out to Dogs Everywhere.

Dogs are the best. I’m not sure where we as a human race would be without these faithful creatures. They aided us during our hunter/gatherer phase helping us track down the big game we needed to survive. They have been shot into space, starred in films and television, been side by side with soldiers on the battlefield. During 9/11 they helped find and rescue survivors. They truly are man’s best friend.

I could gush about canines till the cows come home but my readers don’t have the longest attention span so let’s start giving some shout-outs.

Shout-Out Old Hemp. Stud Muffin Award.

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“none who saw him ever forgot him”

Old Hemp was the Original Border Collie, Border Collies being my personal favorite breed for their smarts and boundless energy. Old Hemp changed the way Border Collies herd, they used to be loud in their herding until Old Hemp came along and introduced his version of Blue Steel, Old Hemp could herd with his stare, he worked quietly but with extreme intensity. His herding ability was considered flawless. He is the 9th dog listed on the International Sheepdog Society stud book, a book containing over 300,000 sheepdogs. He fathered over 200 pups and his offspring were renowned herding dogs in their own right. You get a bone Old Hemp, Good Boy.

Shout-Out Hachiko. Loyalty Award.

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The story of Hachiko is a truly remarkable one. In 1924 a Japanese professor took the golden brown Akita as a pet. Hachiko would meet his master at the train station every day without fail such. In May of 1925, Professor Hidesaburo Ueno suffered a brain hemorrhage and did not return home. Every day for nine more years until Hachiko’s death the Akita would wait at the train station hoping against hope his master would return. I get a little teary-eyed thinking about what a good boy Hachiko was, you get a treat Hachiko, good boy!

Shout-Out Lamby. You are in a Better Place Award.

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Lamby was the source of much controversy when her owner Lena Dunham aka the annoying bag of milk from HBO’s Girls, surrendered her to a shelter in Los Angeles. Normally an owner surrender isn’t a huge deal except that Dunham made a huge deal about how rescuing a dog changed her life, to the point the New Yorker actually ran an article about it.

(Is there a more pretentious piece of publishing than the New Yorker?)

If you were able to read that article beginning to end and you didn’t vomit hit me up.

Dunham said the dog had behavior problems and real issues, she made it sound as if she took in a real problem case rescue dog. The Shelter she surrendered Lamby to was able to confirm that Lamby wasn’t doing very well.

However…The shelter that adopted Lamby to Lena in the first place denies much of the problems Lamby was claimed to have had. The original shelter said if the dog had the issues Dunham described they wouldn’t have adopted Lamby out.

Then there is the fact that none of Lamby’s behavior issues is a problem with her new owner.

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Bottom line Dunham is a shitty dog owner, and like a typical millennial accepts no responsibility for it and in fact paints herself as the victim. Lamby trust me little fellah you are in a better place enjoy it, buddy. Sorry for what you had to go through.

Shout-Out Barkley. Best Dog in History (bias judge)

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Barkley aka Little Peet aka Peet Beetle aka Buttermilk Biscuit aka Bagel-Dog aka Little One aka Best Friendest aka White Lightning aka Frizz-Peet aka Direwolf-Dog aka Barkley-Bean aka Beany-Baby aka Smoochie aka Barkle aka The #1 Draft Choice aka Angel-Dog aka Squeaky Peet aka The Little Gentleman……I’m telling you the sheer number of nicknames my dog has is unreal. That’s what happens when you are a really good boy.

Let me gush about my Lab/Border Collie Mix.

He never chewed anything that wasn’t his even as a young pup. My previous dog Andre literally ate my bed while I was at warp tour.

He learned to bring in the newspaper with almost no training.

He has never been given a bath, yet never seems to smell bad at all. He is a very clean dog and he naturally smells like the chocolate popcorn they serve at Cinerama. (shout out Cinerama best theater in Seattle) 

His fur is as soft as chinchilla and he likes to snuggle up with his best friends when he’s not trying to get you to play.

If you are part of my dog’s pack he will defend you with his life, he is a brave and loyal member of my family and he has never let me down….except for the one time he ate my Adderall and was about as cracked out as a dog can get. (I said he never chewed anything that wasn’t his, well this was the only exception, I guess he learned his lesson.)

Multiple times he alerted me to things I was burning in the kitchen.

I accidentally trained Barkley Pavlovian style, I would always put on music when we would play in my condo, after a time he associated music with play now anytime I put on music or even start humming a tune, the bagel dog comes trotting over wanting to play.

Shout-Out UGA, Smokey, Dubs & all other living dogs mascots of the NCAA. Lifetime achievement in excellence award.

Saturday’s are for the good boys.

One thing that makes college football so much better than pro is the pageantry associated with Saturday’s big games. Living Mascots like Dubs add to the pageantry of college football. Who can forget when UGA tried to take a bite out of an Auburn Tiger who had the affront to score a TD between the hedges.

There are so many amazing dogs this post could go on forever, but it’s not going to I’ve got other blogs to blog. ATrain Out!

Also Beethoven…..

A-Train Stays Woke: The Merfolk of The Little Mermaid Probably Committed Genocide.

History is written by the victors. – Winston Churchhill. 

Feature Image by Deborah Macy.

I want to talk about Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Specifically the so-called “villain” of the movie Ursula. She comes from a race of octopus-people (cecaelia) Ariel and her father King Triton are merfolk, we see the other merfolk in the Kingdom of Atlantica but never do we see another cecaelia. What happened to the rest of the Octo-people? Nobody seems to be asking this question!

 

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Look at this beefcake! He would make short work of an average Merman. 

 

Stay Woke: King Triton long before Ariel’s birth led a pogrom against the cecaelia to solidify Merfolk domination for years to come. Think about it. Ariel is 16 years old, Triton probably didn’t father any children until after he subdued the cecaelia, it was too dangerous and he was too busy warring. I mean look how old Triton is what was he doing with himself all those years without Ariel? He was systematically exterminating every man, woman, and child octopus-person in Atlantica that’s what he was doing.

Ursula is justifiably upset, Triton turned her entire race into calamari. You probably ate one of her relatives at some point. She is the last of her kind, bitter and out for revenge. Is it any wonder that she would target Triton’s airhead daughter Ariel. (I say airhead because the deal she strikes with Ursula is plum-dumb) Giving up your voice for a man is pretty fucking stupid and not very feminist. Disney’s male gaze omnipresent*

*I only use the term male gaze facetiously I personally hate the term.

How do you explain the lack of cecaelia in Atlantica? How do you explain Ursula’s existence? She can’t have been the only one. Somewhere in a merfolk textbook, there is a “Trail of Tears” or worse being glossed over in a few paragraphs that mention the octopus-people in passing.

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I would want to turn all merfolk into polyps too if they did that to my people.

How did Triton do it?

Octopus are smarter than fish, multiple legs would give them an advantage vs their finned counterparts. Even with far fewer numbers, the cecaelia would be a formidable foe in an honest battle fought underwater.

Remember the blankets with smallpox given to the Indians to thin their number? My historical radar is sensing an act of biological warfare made by Triton. He didn’t stop there, Nazi-like propaganda was probably employed by Triton to turn the other creatures of the sea against the octomen. That diabolical crab Sebastian was probably his minister of Propaganda.

These are just rumors and completely unsubstantiated but people are saying that Triton may have seduced Ursula (who is rumored to have been quite fetching when she was younger) The seduction was an act of espionage and he used her to gain cecaelia secrets and root them out of their hiding places for his final solution.

Triton was basically Hitler.

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Bonus Explain it to A-Train: The Seashell Bra? Why does it exist? You are weightless underwater the support is not needed.

But A-Train she’s probably just covering them up as a form of clothing…

Ok but her fish vagina and butthole are still exposed, she’s not covering those up. What’s the deal? A-Train out.

 

Life Pro Tip: Don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, Rather Do Chinese New Year’s Resolutions.

I think the Chinese New Year’s resolution is one of my better idea’s It’s stupid to make a New Year’s resolution when you’re a guy like me. If your life revolves football when Jan 1st rolls around there are still bowl games and the NFL playoffs. This is a toxic environment for any resolution that involves diet and exercise. It’s also a toxic environment for any resolution about not drinking so much on the weekend or gambling your savings away. You are setting yourself up for failure with a Jan 1st resolution. Think about New Year’s Eve you’re probably going to drink you much and start the year with a mild to a severe hangover. How are you gonna resolution whilst hungover I ask you? (Yes I did use resolution as a verb) Enter Chinese New Year. The perfect buffer to a resolution. You get to finish out both NCAA and NFL football seasons while still behaving like a normal person. Chinese New Year starts on February 16th in 2018, and it always seems to occur sometime in Feb. I’m not really sure how they decide the day, I think it’s moon-related. This is the time to make a resolution, not January 1st while you are still reeling from the holidays.

There are other benefits as well. If you start going to the gym mid-February not only will you avoid the disdainful looks of gym regulars who scoff at people who start working out the first of the calendar year. In fact, you will probably slip into your gym right as all the non-hackers who started Jan 1st are slipping out. February is a dead sports month after the Super Bowl. It’s a great time to focus on making yourself better before March Madness. To quote Radiohead “Fitter, Happier, More Productive”

Not all resolutions are about diet and exercise let’s check in with some Chinese New Year’s resolutions from around the sports world.

College Basketball – Bob Huggins: Learn how to tie a tie. 

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Huggy Bear has a tie that someone tied for him in 1979, it’s still the only one he uses.

 NBA – Lebron James – Continue the fight against your receding hairline. 

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His 2017 Resolution was to hit up Brian Urlacher for advice. 

 

Johnny Manziel – Get back to being Johnny Football, and by that, I mean actually play football. People forget he was the last Browns QB to win on a Sunday and he’s been out of the league two years.  

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Jokes aside we’re rooting for Mr. Manziel. Learn from your mistakes kid.

NBA – Derrick Rose, Call up M. Night Shamalayan and see if he was the inspiration for Mr. Glass.

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It does not concern Derrick that Unbreakable came out when he was 12 years old.

 

I leave you guys with this creepy Radiohead Video referenced earlier. It’s always sounded like a weird new year’s resolution that just turns into a rambling despair to me… A-Train out.

PBS….Post Blog Script. We are entering the “YEAR OF THE DOG” on the Chinese zodiac expect something dog-related in an upcoming post.

I Injured My Back By Sneezing Just Like Sammy Sosa.

Back in 2004, Sammy Sosa caught a ton of heat for injuring his back by sneezing. Let me tell you that shit is as real as it gets. I sneezed the other day while standing in an awkward position and my back hasn’t been the same since. I can barely move three days later. I had to go to urgent care. All because of a stupid sneeze!

The floor of my condo looks disgusting due to my inability to bend over to pick anything up. Changing my pants and socks is a real struggle so I’ve pretty much been wearing the same sweats all week. Sammy Sosa wasn’t faking when he had to go on the disabled list. I feel like I am on life’s disabled list right now. I’m worthless, I can barely blog. (This is why so little posting this week guys, sorry. I’m in really bad shape) The urgent care facility wouldn’t even prescribe opiates (they no longer legally can unless I have a broken bone.) Every moment is coupled with pain, again because I sneezed, something I’ve done my whole life without hurting myself.

LPT: Don’t take any sneeze lightly and brace yourself for impact. A-Train Out.