Ezekiel Elliott is a Man Without a Country.

Last night in Dallas, my beloved St. Louis Blues stole game three from the Dallas Stars to take a 2-1 series lead in the 2nd round of the NHL Playoffs. St. Louis local Pat “Big Rig” Maroon scored a beastly goal in the games closing moments. It was beautiful. The Blues are my favorite team in any sport of all-time…I love this franchise. It is because of that love that I am delaying posting a comprehensive blog about them until they do something I’ve never seen them do in almost 37 years on this Earth: make the Stanley Cup finals. And guess what, PBM disciples? It’s gonna fucking happen. You know why? Because the STL native, belly button on display, chipmunk looking-fuck better known as Zeke Elliott showed up at the game last night in a fanny pack. He showed up to root for the South Stars! Take a gander!

zeke_stars_game

Fuckin’ traitor! ATrain defended him by saying athletes do this all the time – his beloved Anthony Rizzo is from Florida and he is now a Blackhawks fan. Whoopty fuckin’ doo! Good for the guy from a state that has no ice in it! Zeke grew up in a town that literally and physically bleeds Blue…shit, the Blues even share the same colors as his damn high school. Burroughs grads (aside from Jon Hamm) are such clowns.

I got past the near guarantee of bozo-esque living from this particular JBS alumni by having Zeke on my cutthroat fantasy keeper team ever since his arrival in the league. He brought me a title. I named my dog after him. I forgave him for choosing the Fuckeyes over Mizzou. And then he goes full fanny pack and sells out the Note for the prospect of some local ad money. I guess national brands aren’t lining up with offers for a chipmunk-faced butthead who gets handsy with the ladies. Chase that car dealership spokesmen clout, Zeke. I only have this to say to you, my guy:

avon

Guess what though, Rail Riders? This really is the Blues year. Zeke’s mutant mimicking behavior sealed it. We’re going to bash his adopted Stars, and then we’re going to shit on his other adopted hometown’s team, The BJ’s, in the Cup. It’s going to happen as Big Motherfuckin’ Rig takes his place on the homegrown STL athlete Mt. Rushmore with David Freese, Stan Musial, and Ozzie Smith.

BIGRIGMOCKUP

Now hit the music!

Mock Draft Season is Out of Control.

Like any red-blooded American football fan, I have begun to dive into the world of mock drafts. What is a mock draft? Let’s check the dictionary:

NFL Mock Draft: A list of players made by an idiot that is almost always completely wrong. Not to be confused with a fantasy mock draft which is also stupid. 

Mock Drafts are the best, they mean nothing and yet people are obsessed with them. Football writers won’t just make one mock draft oh no, they will make several iterations of a Mock Draft. You might get a Mock Draft 1.0 in January by late April you are probably on Mock 6.9 nice.

Today I saw something new and bold from the world of the mock drafts. Quinnen Williams getting drafted both first and sixth overall in the latest mock draft from Ryan Wilson at CBS Sports. I like this strategy. You can never be 100% correct so why not pick one player to go to multiple teams? It increases your chance to be right about where a guy lands.Screen Shot 2019-04-22 at 10.19.08 AM

I can say with 100% certainty that if the first 7 picks go exactly like this I will suck my own dick in front of The White House. There is no way the NFL saws Quinnen Williams in half and lets Arizona and New York each draft half of him. That would be a human rights violation.

Just going beyond the basic dumb typo of not fully updating your mock draft or somehow forgetting you had a guy go first overall and then putting him sixth, lies a fundamental lack of football knowledge. It ignores all the trends and how football is played/approached/drafted. It ignores the importance of the QB.

Are you really telling me that the first QB will go off the board at seven! The last time the first QB got drafted that was in 2013 when Buffalo took EJ Manuel sixteenth overall. The 2013 draft was truly QB light and to have a QB go past seven in that draft made sense. It makes less sense this year, teams know the value of hitting on a young QB. Furthermore, Kyler Murray is a real deal prospect, he’s not EJ Manuel. Murray is far more polished, accurate, and probably even faster. Kyler Murray ain’t falling to the Jags.

UPDATE: This wasn’t a mock draft this article had fine print:

Screen Shot 2019-04-22 at 11.23.06 AM
Your tiny note SHOULD be in a bigger font.

This proves my point even more about Mock Draft Season, now people are making up their own rules! Sportswriters are now too big of cowards to do an actual mock draft that they try and side-step the mock by saying “32 Surprise Picks that could Shake-up the First Round.” This is an act of cowardice. This man Ryan Wilson made a list 1-32 that corresponds exactly with the order of the draft. He made picks for every team and says it’s not a mock because these are just picks that would “Shake things up?”

FUCK YOU. I am angrier now than when I thought it was an error. You did this shit on purpose and now the sanctity of terrible mock drafts has been profaned. 

I mean this guy thinks it’s ok to repeat players? Guess what would also shake things up if every team drafted Kyler Murray? Kyler Murray to the Patriots to backup Brady. Kyler Murray to Detroit.

Really what I’m saying is let’s get to the draft so we can analyze what happened instead of trying to predict something very unpredictable.

I mock these mocks, and I really mock non-mocks that are too big of cowards to be a true mock but still want to be mock draft posers.

-Atrain out.

The Clippers Historic Comeback vs The Warriors Has Me Thinking About The Chris Paul Trade.

So much of the Clippers comeback was orchestrated by the players that Los Angeles got back when they sent Chris Paul to Houston. Patrick Beverly led the way with pestering defense and Lou Williams seemed almost unstoppable at times. Montrez Harrell contributed 25 points and 10 boards. All three came from Houston and all three balled out vs the best team in the NBA.

What if Houston didn’t trade for Chris Paul? What if they stuck with the guys they had? Would they be better? Could they be a lot better?

Clint Capela

Trez Harrell

Lou Williams

Pat Beverly 

James Harden

PJ Tucker

(Player Unknown) Morey can’t help himself he trades Eric Gordon and Sam Dekker and maybe a future pick for a better rotation guy. Who knows maybe THEY end up getting Gallinari and pairing him with DiAntoni again. At worst this is Eric Gordon still.

Trevor Ariza: not paying Paul a shit ton of money allows them to keep Ariza

This is a rotation that would give the warriors fits, this is a basketball team. This is a team that could really stir up some shit. Instead, Morrey is obsessed with the idea of adding stars. I love stars, who doesn’t? But it has to be the right star. 32-year-old Chris Paul is not the right star. That’s not a star in it’s prime, I don’t care what the Rockets GM says.

Screen Shot 2019-04-16 at 4.44.26 PM

The funny thing about this trade is that it worked so well in the short term that it’s never going to be looked at as a bad trade. The Rockets pushed the Warriors to seven games last season and right now they look like the biggest competition to the Warriors in the West. Nobody is saying the Paul trade was bad.

Except maybe it was? If the Rockets don’t win a title with Harden and Paul then the experiment failed. The “What-if Rockets” 8-man rotation I listed seems more formidable than what they put out there now with Paul. It’s fun to think of what-ifs but they are of little consequence, the trade happened and I bet the Clippers are glad that it did. Next season Los Angeles will have the cap flexibility to add multiple star players without trading anyone away while Houston will be paying a 34-year-old Paul 38.5 million dollars. Sheesh!

Enjoy the playoffs: A-Train Out

No More Parties in LA

 

I love making cross-cultural comparisons. Not like Bill Simmons does in his current form, but I’d be lying if I didn’t credit his younger, hungrier self for showing me the brilliance of using this method for humor + universal relevance. In my brain, I tend to use Hip Hop, wrestling, the NBA, and epic film or TV as baselines. Hip Hop is far and away my most used medium to cross-cultural compare because I know the most about it, and MC’s are highly visible publicly + in their art.

Now…I always thought I had LeBron pegged with Drake as his perfect MC equal. They’re both front running dudes who don’t have an ounce of “hard life” in them. They constantly are positioning themselves as the leaders of their craft without acknowledging era-specific advantages and/or glaring flaws that distance them from the true greats. It’s seemed like a match made in fake beef wins + meaningless stat accumulation heaven. Turns out Drake is actually a far better match for Steph Curry…you can’t ignore the fact that Drake is the biggest hitmaker alive and Steph being the GOAT shooter. They make their teams better (get Drake on a feature and explode), and neither one is a disruptive emotional being. Where does his leave the false prophet LeBron James?

ENTER LEBRONYE WEST.

I mean…just the wordplay is enough for me to be encapsulated with joy. But when you look at the complete and utter chaos + dysfunction of LeBron’s Lakers season, doesn’t it remind you of the false idol “Yeezus?!?!?” The two of them leave their hometown for LA with delusions of grandeur and their sights set on expanding their brands wayyyyy outside of their lanes – LeBron to join the iconic Lakers + produce films/TV/music and Kanye to bolster his media exposure through a marriage to Kim Kardashian + run for President + who knows what the fuck else. Each one fell of the rails really damn quickly – I don’t know if each one realized that the team/family they were joining was a false bag of goods or if their complete lack of self awareness simply caught up to their lifestyles, but you know the rest of the story. Let’s go over LeBron first because it’s so damn glorious to see all of it together:

  1. Got an absolute legend to step down out of nowhere – Magic basically pulled an Irish Goodbye
  2. Drank wine on the bench while nursing injuries
  3. Was all alone + fake crying while he passed Jordan in total points
  4. Got another team’s GM fired + torpedoed his chances at landing a premier free agent this off-season
  5. Missed the playoffs
  6. Got a game winner blocked by Mario Hezonjia

7. Throw an inbounds pass off the backboard as the Lakers playoff chances CRUMBLED due to his need to push for a trade for Anthony Davis

8. Got bitch made/forcefully shoved into a defensive position by Kyle Kuzma

9. Can’t get anyone to join him in “Space Jam 2” – rumors say Chris Bosh and Wade are in…so the Monstars are jacking the powers of a guy who had to retire b/c he almost died + a retired dude. That’s worse than Shawn Bradley, man. Honestly, if he wasn’t devoid of a semblance of creative impulse, he should have just used his Lakers teammates. Rondo, JaVale, Lance, and Lonzo/Ingram would be perfect Monstars! LeBron’s a moron.

10. Stole the plot from “The Running Man” to make a CBS show…with Tebow tied to it. Didn’t realize people like “The Running Man” because of death + comedic villainy, and the show tanks instantly.

11. Served as the Fake A&R for 2Chainz’s latest effort that was Tity Boi’s worst in years. Didn’t realize that knowledgeable people such as myself know what A&R’s do, and that there was no way he was inputting lyrics into Genius and/or negotiating features. He DEFINTITELY wasn’t clearing the fucking samples. LeBron’s a huge fucking moron.

12. Distanced himself from legends such as Kareem, Duncan, Kobe, Magic, and Russell in the All-Time greatest player rankings.

13. Was such an ass clown that it finally feels like everyone is tired of his antics, and expects a SHRED of maturity or awareness from him.

I’m engorged by that list. Kanye’s disruptive nonsense wasn’t as diverse, but extremely disturbing and indefensible nonetheless. The guy had the audacity to call slavery “a choice” and openly support + kiss the ass of our racist, buffoon of a President with zero regard for how people would receive such brazen ignorance. Didn’t turn out so well for him, I’d say. His “masterpiece” album “Yandhi” has been shelved (just like LeBron’s 4th championship hopes), and he lost the support of long-term allies such as Jay Z, Talib Kweli, Tip, and Common. I’m going to go ahead and say LeBron’s glass of red on the bunch was Kanye’s rocking of the red “MAGA” hat….SHEEEEEESH.

I’m working on developing a LeBronye West character – I hope to debut him when more of the Space Jam 2 cast is released. Hopefully each of these men will continue to surround themselves with people who don’t have the answers…I really like watching douche egomaniacs face consequences.

Quintessential Nipsey Hussle

It’s been over a week since Ermias Joseph Asghedom, more commonly known as Nipsey Hussle, was gunned down in front of his newly established Marathon clothing store in Los Angeles. He was there without his bodyguard because it was an emergency trip to dole out an entire wardrobe to a longtime friend whom just finished a twenty year bid. The store was built on Crenshaw, in the heart of the gang warzone, and was meant to be a beacon of hope + a place of unity. He was 33 years old.

I’m not going to say anything more about Nipsey the man. That’s all you need to know if you have a pulse. Please enjoy the following Nipsey joints – I believe they are his best. Rest in power, Nip.

  1. “Tha Mansion”

2. “Gangsta’s Life,” feat. Snoop

3. “Outro”

4. “Shell Shocked”

5. “All Get Right,” feat. J. Stone

6. “Rap N*ggas”

7. “Call From the Bank”

8. “Mercy,” feat. Stacy Barthe

9. “Status Symbol 2,” feat. Buddy

10. “Hussle in the House”

Here’s a link to a Spotify list I’m compiling on Spotify – it’s a larger selection of his best work. The ten tracks above are in order at the beginning of it. STREAM HIS MUSIC! He owned all of it, his family profits from it, and his legacy lives on.