PBM Claims the Trade Machine Throne.

Step aside, Willy Simmons. You’ve been forcefully removed from your self-appointed position as the supreme ruler of fake NBA trades. You’re not Picasso with this shit, Bill. You’re paint by numbers using your fingers and blending all the paints together so they inevitably turn brown. PBM is on his Andy Warhol tip today, rail riders. I went BUCK WU with the sickest NBA trade machine on the web. This website is vastly superior to ESPN’s offering – there’s no comparison, actually. You can include future draft picks, create potential for sign and trades, and allow for trade exceptions when they are acceptable. ESPN’s only matches the salaries up against the cap which limits the artistry of the user and allows for chumps like Lord Undershirt Simmons to think they’re killing this game. This blog will show you who the God is, family. I’ve got Conway the Machine walking to the ring with me like Jay Rock with the Bronze Bomber…play my intro slaps, son.

Now that I’ve hyped my styles up like a true boss, let’s get into why I’m writing this blog. The NBA offseason is far and away the most entertaining of any of the major sports and rivals what actually takes place on the court. This year is going to be extremely insane and we are most likely about to witness some power shifts unlike any we’ve ever seen before. I mean, do you all remember LAST offseason? The reigning NBA Finals MVP (Kawhi) switched teams, three (Brow, Durant, and Russ) perennial candidates for MVP/former MVP winners landed on different rosters, and a couple all NBA mainstays joined up with their peers to run as one (Paul George, Kyrie Irving, and Kemba Walker). Ironically enough, it was a man whom decided to run as an alpha dog for a well-balanced team who probably impacted the season’s final narrative and the future of the league the most. Jimmy Buckets, go ahead and get your flowers. He’s the NBA MVP pick of ATrain Sports, and if you don’t know why then your riding the wrong rails..

Why do I say Butler had the most impact when Brow teamed with the False Idol to win a ring? Because what Jimmy Buckets did in Miami is going to shape how this offseason plays out more than any other on-court happenings in 2020. Pat Riley is essentially in the driver’s seat of the NBA right now and he can set the tone for what next year’s title odds look like in a damn hurry. The Heat have three realistic options: trade for Giannis, trade for Brad Beal, or resign Dragic + other proven veterans and run it back with this year’s crew. Here is most realistic of the potential trades they can make for Giannis:

This deal includes Dragic resigning for 18MM/season for the next four years and securing a payday way above his expected value for the second half of the deal. The way the Heat can so seamlessly absorb Eric Bledsoe’s contract is another reason why I have them in the top slot of the offseason power rankings (assets and Pat Riley round out their big three advantages). Here’s the deal they can put together for Beal:

Which one is the better trade for the Heat? I kind of like the second one, family. Those first round picks are 25th overall at best, Tyler Herro’s value is never going to match what it is right now (spoiler alert – he’s not as good as you think he is), and it leaves them room to extend Duncan Robinson, go get someone like Montrezl Harrell, Davis Bertans, or Joe Harris, and bring the Dragon back. You all might think I’m crazy, but I’m not a Giannis believer. As ATrain always says, “I’m anti-tekumpo.” I wouldn’t mortgage the future for a big man who can’t shoot and has a shitty playoff track record. But hey, that’s just me.

If Giannis does get traded elsewhere, it will most likely be the Warriors or the Mavericks. They have the financial flexibility and assets for it to make sense. Let’s start with Golden State:

That’s the one that would have to happen, y’all. A MASSIVE FUCKING TRADE it would be, right? It’s the only one that makes sense for Milwaukee. If it’s not this epic, then Golden State isn’t getting the man whom all their fanboys have not-so-quietly been drooling over since the moment Steph went down last year. It’s worth posting the Dubs potential offer for Beal – it’s also way more likely logistically and possibly even more desirable for the Wizards than what Miami can offer:

After looking at the Heat/Beal deal and the Dubs/Beal again…man. I’m betting some money on Bradley Beal putting on a Warriors jersey in 2021. And I also would LOVE to watch that team boat race the league. Last suitor for Giannis / Beal is the Dallas Mavericks – here are there likely offers for each man:

I’m not doing that if I’m Milwaukee. But it’s worth considering.

Probably the third best offer too, right? But what else could Dallas do to provide Luka with the man he needs to truly compete? I wonder if another team in Texas is willing to talk to Cuban…the one who just shitcanned their coach and GM and seem to be headed for a process-like reboot…a team PBM once loved and wants to love again…

HOLY SHIT THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. CUBAN – MAKE THE CALL!!! THEY’LL TAKE IT, BROTHER. Calm down, PBM. Calm down. You’ve been waiting to hypothetically rebuild the Rockets for over five hundred days and it’s ok to do it slowly. It’s probably going to happen now, dude. Harden is on the trade table…this isn’t your imagination. But where else could he land? Hmmm….

Who says no to that? Not the Rockets, that’s for sure. How about if the other NYC franchise gets involved?

Before you laugh these off the screen, please remember that the ROCKETS ARE TRYING TO CLEAN HOUSE. The NYK trade isn’t as appealing, but it provides youth, expiring deals, and draft picks to a team which desperately covets all three of those things. Here’s one last Harden deal (just to the train):

I think ATrain might actually be on board with that offer. Too bad it would never be enough for Houston.

PBM – if the Rockets are rebuilding, what about trades for Russ? Glad you asked! Let’s send Russ to the Knicks where he belongs, shall we?

That’s the one I find more realistic between these two teams. Russ in MSG…god damn. Please make it a reality, Dolan. I’m literally begging you. Unfortunately, here’s the frontrunner move that is on-brand for the Knicks:

Trading the future for an overpaid player who is a poor fit for today’s league has the Knicks written all over it. Sorry, Bockers fans. Be prepared.

I’m going to pivot back to the Nets because the rumor mill is circulating with noise of Paul George joining Durant and Kyrie. Is it possible, though? Damn right it is!

I don’t make this move if I’m Brooklyn, but this won’t stop them. They could also swing this megadeal if they’re feeling frisky:

The first one is far and away the most mutually beneficial, but both are in play. PBM has a message for Kyrie – start talking about this, buddy. Make it happen. PG definitely will cosign flat earther ish and definitely won’t take shots from KD (wink, wink). Plus – fuck them kids, right? It’s about you and not the team’s future!!

Time to pivot back to the Bucks and discuss a trade which would improve Giannis’ long-term future in Milwaukee. Here’s what it would like for CP3 to go up north:

I don’t really like that one. How can we improve it? Did you all hear Gallo is looking to take a smaller contract to play for a title contender? He most certainly has said as much! Let’s use the sign and trade function, baby!

Gallo’s contract matches up with the one Redick signed in New Orleans last year and this trade allows for Milwaukee to go up to about 15MM/year. I want Giannis to stay and this deal to go down…that’s perhaps what I want more than any other fake trade (aside from the Russ to the Knicks banger).

One more Rockets trade before I move on from that sinking ship in HTown – this would be absolutely hilarious if it went down:

Simmons and Russ make the most ludicrous backcourt pairing of all-time…it is nearly unimaginable to think of those dudes running an “offense” in today’s league. Harden and Embiid would be hands down the most unlikable duo in the history of professional sports. And you know what? I think both teams would consider it.

Let’s summarize the above and map out a likely, enjoyable scenario shall we? We want Giannis to stay and the Bucks to make the deal for CP3 and Gallo. Milwaukee deserves a nice thing for a little longer, people. This would make the Warriors focus on Beal and thus create the most entertaining offense in the modern NBA with a Steph, Klay, and Brad Beal three-guard lineup. The Mavs could call and inquire about Harden or wait until next year’s FA class to make a move, and I expect they’ll do the latter. The Nets are going to try and trade for PG – the Clips should jump on their offers and insist on getting LaVert and Allen in the deal. The Knicks should DEFINITELY try and get Russ to the Garden, but they’ll probably end up with DeRozan and Mike Conley instead. Which leaves us with the Heat…the team I started this blog about. How do they still maintain alpha status in the league when all the major talent lands elsewhere? Because only the Heat can seriously consider and definitely afford a player whom no other team would dare risk trading the necessary assets to acquire…peep game, yo:

Embiid wants to play with Buckets again more than I want anything in the world…just look at his Twitter feed. This deal reunites the two while giving the Sixers a legit haul in return. The Dragic sign and trade is expensive, but Philly loves paying out dudes who are past their prime. Riley gets to bring Richardson home (never fit in Philly – decent replacement for Herro) and finish his masterful career by putting Embiid along side guys which can maximize his potential as an all-around player. The Heat would replace Dragic with DJ Augustin or someone similar via free agency and hope Kendrick Nunn returns to his pre-bubble form. Philly would go nuts for a player like Herro and the sentimental side of me would love to see Iggy retire where he started.

Final results of PBM’s masterful manipulation of the NBA offseason:

  • Bucks keep Giannis and acquire CP3 + Gallo
  • Heat trade Herro + Iggy + picks for Embiid and Josh Richardson
  • Warriors acquire Beal for Wiggins + picks
  • Nets acquire PG for LaVert, Allen, and a combo of Dinwiddie, Prince, or others
  • Rockets trade Russ to the Knicks for expiring contracts and picks….
  • ….nevermind. Knicks acquire DeRozan for Barrett, Julius Randle, and their fan’s collective souls.

Stand clear of the closing doors, family. We’ve arrived at your final destination. PBM…out.

The TBT is something you should be interested in.

How are you, rail riders? You OK? If you’re not, I got your back. I’m here with a ridiculously detailed deep dive of an upcoming hoops tourney which will soothe our sports fan souls. As the country enters stage two of the reopening process, I felt it was time to get the caboose back chuggin’ along via this preview/sales pitch for the TBT aka “The Basketball Tournament.” I’m not going to spend much time talking about anything other than my favorite non-mainstream sporting event ever, but I am going to say a few things to set the record straight:

1. Black Lives Matter. Please feel free to fuck right off if you fly confederate flags, say “all lives matter,” attend Trump rallies in the face of a pandemic-level virus, and think the cops treat everyone equally.

2. The NBA should not finish the season with a silly format, no fans, and no travel. This structure could/would potentially toy with the record books, realign the league’s historical integrity, and disrupt the modern day organizational structure/balance of power permanently. For once I’m in complete agreement with three dudes I don’t like very much – Kyrie Irving, Dwight Howard, and Billy Bob’s small friend from “Bad Santa” (aka Avery Bradley).

AVERY?!? DID YOU GET THE LOOFA?

Forget basketball for a second – the time and energy of NBA players is invaluable in other capacities right now. It is immeasurably impactful when applied to the fight for equal rights through non-stop social justice advocacy. Looking at the NBA’s Orlando “bubble” concept as anything other than a distraction, a health risk, or a cash grab would be incompetent and tone deaf. Two players from the odds-on favorites in Vegas are adamantly against playing – that’s all you need to comprehend to get on my level.

3. If you want basketball, PBM’s got just the thing to satisfy your cravings. If you haven’t watched the summertime, single-elimination TBT than you’ve been missing the fuck out, family. It won’t be the same as year’s past when it kicks off in less than two weeks, but it’s got enough March Madness nostalgia and enough top notch hooping ability to satisfy any basketball fan who is feening for competitive ball. Here’s a crash course preview of this year’s participants and a predictive breakdown of the bracket:

TWO MASSIVE SNUBS, BUT SOLID ALL THE SAME.

For the most past, teams in this tourney are made up of alumni from one school (with a ringer or two), alumni from specific conferences, or they’re occasionally built from scratch by enterprising GM’s. Last year marked the fifth time a million bucks or more went in the winning team’s pockets. The #1 seed this year, Carmen’s Crew, won two million bucks a summer ago. When they hoisted the check after the finals, it was the first time anyone had beaten the defending four-time champions and this year’s #2 seed, Overseas Elite. I’ll fill you in on each team’s roster shortly. I need to inform you about the Elam Ending – it’s how this tourney decides who wins and who goes home.

Did you like the NBA All Star game this year? Pretty fuckin’ dope fourth quarter, right? The notion of playing to a score instead of playing for a set period of time adds excitement and intensity in spades. Guess what? They stole this idea from the TBT. The Elam Ending sets a target score, based on the total points of the game’s leading team, and the winner is the team who reaches that number first. Here’s an example of how a ton of games end:

Way better than foul-chuck-foul-chuck-foul, right? It makes every game at least slightly enjoyable. Without further adieu, let’s breakdown the bracket and make some predictions. Here are the eight teams receiving a first round bye:

#1 Seed: Carmen’s Crew: This a team made up of almost every non-NBA or NBA coffee cup sippers who played for the Ohio St. Buckeyes in recent years. They’re even coached by their own – Evan Turner led them to a tourney title last year and this year Jared Sullinger has the whistle. If you’re underwhelmed by their notable players, try not to be. This group did the impossible and beat an undefeated, four-time champion last year. Enough said.

  • Noteworthy Buckeye Alums: Aaron Craft, Jon Diebler, David Lighty, Dallas Lauderdale
  • Ringers: Demetri McCamey (Illini traitor), Pape Malik Dime (Washington)
  • Plays winner the winner House of Paign/War Tampa

#2 Seed: Overseas Elite: The Gods of this universe have OE on their chest – these dudes are without a doubt the favorites to reclaim their spot at the top of the mountain this summer. They brought in the biggest newcomer of the tournament in addition to keeping their St. John’s fueled, long standing core intact. The Johnnie’s core is made up of DJ Kennedy (tourney MVP for their wins), Paris Horne, and Justin Burrell. They’re the equivalent of the Splash Bros. + Draymond. Who is the FA playing the role of KD in this compassion? Iso fuckin’ Joe. Joe Johnson is running with the champs and the rest of the bracket should be petrified.

  • Returning players: D.J. Kennedy, Paris Horne, Justin Burell (all St. John’s alums), DeAndre Kane (Iowa St.), Bobby Brown (Drew league standout and former Houston Rocket)
  • Noteworthy additions: Joe Johnson, Pooh Jeter (Drew league standout with handles for days)
  • Plays winner of Armored Athlete/Power of the Paw

#3 Seed: Boeheim’s Army: Jim Boeheim murdered a man with his personal vehicle. You know this, right? It makes sense for a murderous driver to field a team of soldiers who march to his insanely consistent commands. The zone is dead, Jim. Just like the guy on the side of the road in upstate NY whom you hit with your car. This army has no mercenaries – it’s all Cuse alums. They’re also seeded WAY too high.

  • Notable players: Eric Devendorf, Brandon Triche, Donte Greene, Malachi Richardson, Chris McCollough
  • Play the winner of HEARTFIRE/Men of Mackey

#4 Seed: Golden Eagles: This group of Marquette alumni have become a fixture at the TBT. They’ve also won quite a few games – I’m pretty sure they’re a finalist and a multi-time final four participant. Built with dudes who played extensive pro ball all over the world and a few who with NBA chops, these guys are no joke.

  • Notable alumi players: Travis Diener, Dwight Buycks, Mo Acker, Jamil Wilson, Darius Johnson-Odom, Andrew Rowsey
  • Ringer: Elgin Cook (Oregon)
  • Play the winner of Team CP3/Mid-American Unity

#5 Seed: Eberlein Drive: This is one of those teams built by an enterprising GM – Eberlein Drive has been a consistent presence in TBT’s since the early days and rarely show up with the same squad of the prior year. Cal’s Jerome Randle led them to the Finals one year, but they’ve had minimal success in their other years. This team is boom or bust deluxe.

  • Notable players: Dusty Hannahs (Arkansas), J.P. Macura (Xavier, Cleveland Cavaliers), Tim Quarterman and Johnny O’Bryant (LSU)
  • Play the winner of Brotherly Love/Stillwater Stars

#6 Seed: Team Challenge ALS: Perennial contenders in this tourney, Team Challenge ALS was built by BC alum Sean Marshall and the late Pete Fraites of Barstoolsports.com fame. They’ve too have been a runner-up to OE, but haven’t been on a run for a few years now.

  • Notable players: Sean Marshall and Tyrese Rice (BC), Casper Ware (Drew League LEGEND), several San Diego St. alums
  • Player winner of Team Hines/Sideline Cancer

#7 Seed: The Money Team (TMT): Not sure if this team’s management has been in a TBT before, but a bunch of these players have TBT experience (and tons of additional high-level pro balling to go with it). I like this team A LOT. I also think Floyd Mayweather funds it or is involved in another capacity…hence the unoriginal name.

  • Notable players: Tony Wroten (Washington, NBA), Willie Reed (SLU, NBA), Austin Daye (Gonzaga, NBA), Trevor MBakwe (Minnesota), Jordon Crawford and Jeff Ledbetter (TBT stars from Jimmer Fredette’s squad a year or two ago)
  • Plays winner of Jimmy V/Herd That

#8 Seed: Red Scare: Dayton alums from the 2014 Elite Eight are mixed with a couple of Obi Toppin’s running mates from last year and one nasty ringer in Louisville’s Ryan McMahon. One of the four/five favorites to take the crown.

  • Notable alumni players: Devin Oliver, Ryan Mikesell, and Trey Landers
  • Ringer: Ryan McMahon (Louisville)
  • Plays winner of Big X/Jackson TN Underdogs

Got all that, rail riders? It is time to breakdown the first round matchups and the rest of the action set to follow them – intrigue is everywhere in these games, children. The winners’ names are in Italics.

#9 Big XVS.#24 Jackson TN Underdogs
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Javon Bess, Nick Ward (Michigan St.)Jaylen Barford
(Arkansas, TBT legend)
Khalil Iverson,
Trevon Hughes (Wisco)
Courtney Pigram
(ETSU Standout)
Big X’s depth is too much for Barford and Pigram, but this is game will be close as hell.
#10 Playing For Jimmy V.VS.#23 Herd That
Notable PlayersNotable Players
NBA Coffee Sippers
Josh Perkins (Zaga),
Haywood Highsmith
Marshall alums including Jon Elmore, CJ Burks
UCF Big Men
Chad Brown, AJ Davis
Zach Smith (Texas Tech), Jacorey Williams
(Middle Tenn)
Heart says the Marshall team, but my head says Jimmy V in a possible blowout.
#11 Team HinesVS.#22 Sideline Cancer
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Ethan Happ (Wisco),
Gilbert Brown (Pitt),
Delroy James (URI)
Jamal Artis (Pitt),
Maurice Creek

(GW via IU)
Nick Calathes (UF), Brandon Paul (Illini),
AJ Slaughter (WKU)
Andrew Fitzgerald (Oklahoma),
Dion Wright (Bonnies)
Team Hines by double digits. They’re a favorite in this field.
#12 Brotherly LoveVS.#21 Stillwater Stars
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Temple alums including Khalif Wyatt and
Ramone Moore
Markel Brown, Phil Forte, and LeBryan Nash
(aka dudes who ran
with Marcus Smart)
Penn St. standout
D.J. Newbill
Tyshawn Taylor and
Nadir Tharpe join as

ringers from KU
Upset due to poor seeding. The Cowboy/Jayhawk evil duo wins by 6-12 pts.
#13 Team CP3VS.#20 Mid-American Unity
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Kennedy Meeks,
PJ Hairston (UNC)
Alums from mediocre. forgettable MAC teams
Dez Wells (Maryland)Marcus Hall (Colorado)
I’d pick anyone over this MAC team. They shouldn’t be in the field. The Tennessee alumni team with Wayne Chism, Duke Crews, Ron Slay, Jajuan Smith, Tyler Smith, and Melvin Goins got hosed. I’m really bitter about this. CP3’s crew wins in a rout.
#14 HEARTFIREVS.#19 Men of Mackey
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Homer Drew coaches Baylor’s Quincy Miller,
Ish Wainwright, & the insiring Isaiah Austin
Jon Octeus + the goofiest looking Purdue alumni
on this planet
Zona G Mark Lyons joins
Sparty alums Brandon Wood, Branden Dawson
Goofs incldue Ryan Cline, Isaac Haas,
Evan Boudreaux
I can’t pick against this collection of Purdue legends. This game is 50/50 at best.
#15 Armored AthleteVS.#18 Power of the Paw
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Standouts include Dominique Jones (USF) Terico White (Ole Miss), Michael Ojo (FSU)Sneaky solid recent Clemson alums Gabe DeVoe, Marquise Reed,
and Elijah Thomas
Arkansas alums Courtney Fortson, Coty ClarkeRinger is Mizzou’s Jakeenan Gant
Clemson has been a decent hoops program for a couple years under Brad Brownell. These recent graduates of his program will not be an easy out for unpolished squads.
#16 House of PaignVS.#17 War Tampa
Notable PlayersNotable Players
Recent Illini alums led by LeRon Black, Andres Feliz, and Michael FinkeBryce Brown headlines crew of Auburn alums
Best ringers by far:
Matt Mooney (Texas Tech), Mike Daum (SD St.)
Dope ringer tandem:
Fletcher McGee (Wofford),

Walter Hodge (UF)
Unreal matchup. Mooney is my man crush and he makes the difference for HOP.

PREDICTED ROUND OF 16

  • #16 House of Paign def. #1 Carmen’s Crew
  • #8 Red Scare def. #9 Big X
  • #4 Golden Eagles def. #13 Team CP3
  • #21 Stillwater Stars def. #5 Eberlein Drive
  • #19 Men of Mackey def. #3 Boheim’s Army
    • (Boheim killed a guy with this car – we don’t reward that stuff at ATrainsports.com)
  • #11 Team Hines def. #6 Challenge ALS
  • #7 Money Team def. #10 Jimmy V
  • #2 Overseas Elite def. #18 Power of the Paw

PREDICTED ELITE EIGHT

  • #16 House of Paign def.. #8 Red Scare
  • #4 Golden Eagles def. #21 Stillwater Stars
  • #11 Team Hines def. #19 Men of Mackey
  • #2 Overseas Elite def. #7 Money Team

PREDICTED FINAL FOUR AND CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

#16 HOUSE OF PAIGN DEFEATS #4 GOLDEN EAGLES

#2 OVERSEAS ELITE DEFEAT #11 TEAM HINES

PBM’S 2020 TBT CHAMPION IS…

Bulls v. Lakers: Inaugural Ultimate NBA Finals

We made it, rail riders. We fuckin’ made it. The entire season has been simulated, and we have a champion. Not only do we have a champion, but that champion is the one we deserve. Like I said in the Eastern Conference results blog…was there ever any goddamn doubt?!?!?

The Chicago Bulls are your PBM Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA kings! They swept the damn Lakers, baby. The Bulls went 16-4 in the playoffs. They fuckin’ dominated this shit, baby. The lone shocker? Allow me to introduce you to your Finals MVP:

ROSEFINALSMVOP

Jordan can’t win the award every single time, I guess. MVP-level Derrick Rose is getting his flowers in our simulated universe and it’s a beautiful sight. How lucky is the rest of the NBA, and especially LeBron James, that this guy couldn’t stay on the floor in his prime? Rose could’ve been a top 20 player of all time, people. Basketball fans were ROBBED of some amazing moments by his faulty legs. It brings me great joy to celebrate D Rose via this forum, and I’m stoked his best season shined through in this medium.

…and that’s the end of that, rail riders. Hope you enjoyed reading the content this concept yielded as much as I enjoyed creating it. I’m going to try and deliver more elaborate material such as this throughout the pandemic, and any feedback is truly welcome.

Until next time – wash your goddamn ass, passengers. Deuces.

Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: Eastern Conference Results

All aboard, rail riders! Your boy PBM is back to bring you the winners, losers, and key moments from the simulated ultimate NBA league’s Eastern Conference. Let’s jump right to it – here’s the completed bracket:

eastbracket

Was there really any doubt, family? Despite a lackluster regular season (when compared to his Airness’ Bulls standards), Jordan and the Bulls smashed the competition in the playoffs. Barkley and Reggie took them to six, but no one else gave them any real trouble. The false king LeBron James lost in seven to the team he “owns” per his legion of Bronsexuals, and here’s the box score from that contest:

CAVSRAPSGM7

The loss definitely doesn’t fall on Bron Bron’s shoulders as he put in a monstrous statistical performance. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Chris Bosh on his side this time. Bosh’s excellence has been vastly ignored in the annals of NBA history, but not in the PBM Ultimate league. All that said, the biggest subplot from this game was the foul discrepancy. Good God, man. Some AI being hates LeBron just as much as we do here at ATrain Sports!

The other first round happening of note was Russell Westbrook’s Hawks burying the Celtics. Peep Russ’ numbers in the third game of the series:

russexplosion

Shaq and Russ single handily vanquished the Nash / Garnett Celtics. They also participated in the craziest series of the playoffs in the second round vs. Toronto. Two games ended on a buzzer beater, and not one game was decided by less than five points.

russgamewinnerrapshawks

Kawhi ties it with :05 seconds left, and Russ answers for the Hawks! One good turn deserves another, and here’s the end of the second buzzer beater of the series:

willisbuzzerrapshawks3

Kevin Willis with the dagger! Unreal, man. The big man played significant years for each team in this series, and he sinks the squad from his youth with the logo of his veteran self’s organization on his jersey.

I wish I could place some emphasis on another series or game, but Jordan and Derrick Rose wouldn’t allow for it. Almost every game was a blood bath. I’ll be back with the Finals results shortly, loyal passengers. It’s the Bulls and the Lakers for all the glory!

Stay safe, wash your ass, and clean your heads. PBM has the back of all non-filthy fucks during this pandemic.

Co-vid 19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: How The West Was Won

Happy Monday, rail riders! Mondays no longer have a feel in quarantine, right? No days have a feel anymore and it sucks. If it wasn’t for STL Sports Columnist Ben Hochman’s insistence to use non-stop Seinfeld material in 2020, I’d post Costanza’s understanding of days with feels. Can’t be a hypocrite, family. Let’s get into the real reason we are here and discuss how the western conference unfolded in my ultimate NBA simulation. ALL ABOARD!!!

Last week I unveiled the fantasy rosters of all 30 NBA teams and only hoped I could take it further. Immediately after posting, I remembered a site I used to be heavily involved with called whatifsports.com. This site allows for users to make dream teams in all the major sports – it’s nerd heaven. Twelve or thirteen years ago, ya boy PBM used to mop fools up in simulated NBA seasons. My squads won trophies, people. It was the perfect way to waste time in the corporate office setting. Alas, upon getting out of the corporate world and giving up my oxy addiction meant whatifsports.com leaving my life. Until this weekend…when it returned with a bang!

Whatifsports.com isn’t perfect. It’s not god-level AI. But it is the best free sports simulation available, and I wanted to take this concept further.

I didn’t simulate an entire season in the traditional NBA format – that would’ve taken me until 2025 to do. Instead, I had all the western conference teams play their division opponents six times (three at home, three on the road). Based on those results, I seeded the playoffs. The playoffs were executed in the traditional playoff format – best of seven games in the 2-2-1-1-1 rotation. Here’s who made the playoffs:

  1. Lakers (20-4)
  2. Sonics (19-5)
  3. Mavericks (18-6)
  4. Spurs (14-8)
  5. Kings (13-11)
  6. Pellies (13-11)
  7. Jazz (12-22)
  8. Blazers (11-13)

The Blazers went on the road to beat the Clippers in a play-in game for 8th slot. The box score is below (whatifsports.com brings the statistical thunder).

clips_blazers_final

I was deeply saddened by how limited this Clippers team ended up being. Steve Francis and Blake Griffin aren’t the best team basketball players and it showed. Pippen and McHale deserved better, and I’m sad about it. However, the biggest takeaway from this game is the Hakeem / McHale battle in the post. The two deadliest post players of all-time went back and forth and rarely missed. The advantage was Dream’s, as he crushed McHale on both sides of the boards.

The rest of the western conference played out in a way which illicited more sadness…I made the Lakers too fucking good. Also, the Sonics flamed out in the playoffs despite dominating their regular season schedule. Bad times all around for ya boy.

WESTBRACKET

I pulled a few noteworthy box scores along the way. Find them below.

spurskingfinal

Game four of the Spurs / Kings series. TMac did all he could to not flame out AGAIN in the first round of the playoffs. Alas, he was swept. Only TMac could get a Bill Russell team swept in the first round of the playoffs. George Gervin absolutely lit up the Kings’ wings this entire series.

spurs_lakersfinal

Game six of Lakers / Spurs. The Spurs blew a twenty point fourth quarter lead…ugh. This Lakers team might be the ultimate showcase of how under appreciated Jason Kidd, Pau Gasol, and Anthony Davis really are. I should’ve given them Nash, McAdoo, and Dwight Howard instead – sweet moves, PBM.

lakersmavsfinal

Game two of the western conference finals. Look at the FT shooting.

EVEN IN SIMULATIONS THE LAKERS GET ALL THE FUCKING CALLS!

This happened twice in the Spurs series and once more in the finals. The Lakers are going to win my fake league and/or lose to LeBron’s Cavs. Eastern results coming tomorrow. Stay safe, family. Please allow this throwback heat from G-Unit to play me out the door..it’s been in heavy rotation for ya boy this month.

Co-vid 19 presents “The Ultimate NBA Fantasy Draft”

Rail Riders! It’s been too long since I left you…without a dope blog or any content at all to truly step to! This changes now…and it changes in a HAAA-UGE way. Your boy PBM finally sat down and did something he’s wanted to do for years, and the Rona revealed the opportunity. I’ve made the largest cup of lemonade you’ve ever seen out of the quarantine lemons we’re all engulfing. So large that it would take Train three days to lose himself in glasses of it while pelting or losing his precious body armor via the wacky world of fallout.

I sense you’re skeptical. You don’t believe I’ve truly shifted the narrative, correct? Well…how about if I told you I drafted ten-men rosters for every team in the NBA using the traditional snake style and based the order on this year’s standings? How about if I told you I decided to make every single player who’s ever played the game available to be selected?

Here’s how I did it:

  • The draft order was created using this year’s standings. I manipulated the lottery in order to allow for certain star players to play for the team’s they became stars on.
  • Throughout the draft I prioritized placing individuals on teams whom they contributed for / excelled on / won titles with.
  • The all-time greats were placed with purpose…for the most part. That purpose was fueled by irony, intrigue, or historical significance.
  • Dumb teams remained dumb. I also have a bias against the Nets, so they purposefully made some silly decisions.
  • The Thunder moved back to Seattle.
  • Team’s identities / playing styles / management trends were always top of mind, and organizations which reward loyalty were given priority to land a player whom has ties to their franchise.

Without further adieu, here is what unfolded (you’ll see the number in which players were chosen next to their name on every roster). I’ll do some intensive roster breakdowns either later today or this weekend.

team1_6teams7_12teams13_18teams19_24teams25_30

Here’s some observations at first glance:

The favorites at first glance are the Bulls, Pistons, Blazers, Hornets, Warriors, Kings, and Clippers.

Just outside of the top teams are the Cavs, Spurs, TWolves, Wizards, Pacers, Sonics, Celtics, Raptors, and Lakers.

The weakest rosters belong to the Suns, Nets, Rockets, and Bucks.

As far as specific players landing on specific teams, here are my initial thoughts on what results are the dopest:

  • I think Magic leading a Pistons team (he’s from Michigan) built with members from each era of the Bad Boys’ championship runs is an insanely hilarious idea…and it might yield dominance.
  • I love the Blazers finally landing their elite big man in Hakeem with the fifth pick – pairing him with Dame, Roy, Sheed, and Big Game James gives Dream the chance to prove he’s the GOAT big man.
  • Reggie and Barkley teaming up in Naptown to beat Jordan is awesome – Barklye isn’t distracted by clubs, good food, and women. Not to mention Ben Simmons giving them each their desired number of looks.
  • Legendary Celtics’ winners Bill Russell and Dennis Johnson leading a Kings squad loaded with as much talent as they have playoff failures. I basically added TMac and Jokic (along with the aforementioned Celts) to the core Kings squad that was constantly robbed in the early 2000’s).
  • The Splash Bro’s and Igouyoshi teaming up with Brad Beal in DC. That three guard lineup could eat souls in any era.
  • Pippen and McHale finally stepping out of MJ and Bird’s shadows with the Clippers. That duo teaming up with some under appreciated all star guards (Deron & Franchise), arguably the most prolific Clipper ever (Blake Griffin), and their beloved threesome of Lou, Trezz, and PBev makes the Clipshow pretty damn vicious.
  • What guards / wings are scoring on Glove / Klaw in crunch time? The Raps are no joke.
  • The Hornets don’t trade Kobe, and he gets paired with Bill Walton and Luka. Yikes.
  • Durant gets to lead an amalgamation of his title winning Warriors squads (sans the fan favorites whom relocated to DC) and the beloved “we believe” team of ’06-’07. Can he handle Baron and Draymond yelling in his face every timeout? If he can, they’re as good as anyone.
  • The Knicks landed two dudes, one past (Kareem) and one present (Jimmy Butler), to pair with franchise icons Willis and Pearl. It probably isn’t enough.
  • Darryl Morey used analytics to pair Rick Barry’s efficiency with James Harden’s…and the Rockets get obliterated by 50+ night in and night out.
  • The two studs who conjure up as many throwback vibes as anyone currently in the league (Giannis & CP3) lead the return to Seattle for the Sonics. The modern Glove – Reign Man aren’t alone…Ben Wallace’s fro, Grant Hill’s versatility, and Devin Booker’s dick round out their nasty starting five.
  • The Bucks stink because their front office is dumb…they overextend on guys whom are past their prime / poor fits every year. Same goes for the Suns.
  • N’awlins is the biggest “what-if” unit. Moses and his modern equivalent (Zion) just could be too much for any squad to handle.
  • Despite all the observations above, the favorites in the clubhouse are the Bulls. The GOAT running alongside both D. Rose and Kemp in their primes is simply incomprehensible. It would probably always look like this…

or this…

and DEFINITELY THIS…

 

Bulls are -150 in fake Vegas, family.

Come back in the next day or so for a simulated season of results, awards, and fake observations. All feedback is desired, welcomed, and possibly dismissed.

Stay safe, rail riders.

PBM’s Current NBA Love’s & Hate’s: Unbridled Passion Unleashed

The NBA stretch run express train has entered the station, rail riders! Hop aboard and stand clear of the closing doors. Don’t be frightened by the realization that today’s journey will be inspired by none other than ESPN’s Zach “Don’t Call Me an End Theory” Lowe. Despite our deep seeded hatred for ESPN’s coverage of literally everything, the Zach Attack’s format works perfectly for PBM to unveil all the elements of his consistently tumultuous relationship with the national basketball association. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if I love what I love more than I love what I hate…it’s weird spot to be in for a budding mental health professional such as myself. But ya know what? Weird is good. Weird is new. And weird is gonna yield a breakdown of my current top ten love’s and hate’s in the polarizing stratosphere of the NBA.

Chip Tha Rip and Bun B – get this fuckin’ party started!

  1. I love Zion Williamson in every way you can. However, what I love the most how he walks during every moment outside of live game play. It’s a hybrid of  “March of the Penguins” + “Go to your room, young man!’ Take it away, Chuck!

In addition to the humor residing beside his inexplicable gait, Zion has failed to disappoint in almost every quantifiable way. Peep the young king in action:

2. More Zion! Because using Zion to gaslight LeBron STAN’s from now until eternity is going to be just delightful! Zion has started his career better than Bron, did you know that? Using #numbers and #facts, Zion is officially a better hooper than the Kid From Akron until further notice. Here’s the evidence (which I can guarantee isn’t fake news):

2020-03-05
Stats courtesy of modern media’s absurdity.

3. I am enamored with Bradley Beal’s electrifying, unrelenting, and inexplicable hot streak that is driving his team towards possibly being the 8th seed in the East. I’ve always loved Beal because he’s an STL guy that plays an effortless style of basketball in the mold of TMac, Manu, and other elite scorers of year’s past. I’m now fully infatuated with him due to his insane competiveness and next-level elevation of each facet of his game. Peep his 2020 game log, please:

beal

The man is a human torch right now. He’s rising his level and competing via peak performance in an era where most dudes would get elective surgery in lieu of playing alongside Beal’s supporting cast. His second best player can literally only shoot 3’s, and his third best player is a rookie from Gonzaga who is constantly overmatched at this natural position. Here’s the current Wizards squad in all their mediocrity infused glory:BEAL2

Beal’s officially a made man around these parts. Any aggression upon him will be met with equal or more extreme measures from the caboose.

4. Keeping it in STL – I love that Jayson Tatum is making a push for a spot in the top ten players in the league. Tatum has gotten his flowers incessantly via mainstream media, but I couldn’t leave him off the debut love’s.

5. I’m romantically invested in the Clippers savvy deadline moves, continued improvement, and constant one-upping of the Lakers. I’m way more enthralled by the Clips bringing in Reggie Jackson than them trading for Marcus Morris, but the facts are that these two additions have enabled them to run TEN DEEP via two solidified five-man units.

They’re starting PG, PBev, Kawhi, Zubac, and Marcus Morris

The second unit is Trezz, LouWill, Reggie Jackson, Landry Shamet, and Jamychal Green.

The crunch time five includes Kawhi and PG +  any 3-man combination of Trezz, LouWill, PBev, Reggie, and Marcus.

Versatility in spades, children. You know who doesn’t have anything close to this roster? The Lakers. You know who plays on Sunday? The Clips v. The Lakers. You know who’s gonna remain undefeated again LeBron’s merry band of buttheads? The Clippers.

Closing out my loves…

6. I love Golden State taking a chance on Andrew Wiggins while also being in position to add Obi Toppin via the lottery. I love even more how Steph is going to run with their young, role player laden roster to determine who fits and who doesn’t for next year’s unit. A starting five of Steph, Klay, Wiggins, Donkey, and Toppin has to be the favorite in Vegas, right? I’m salivating over this team being another squad equipped to dominate Akron’s only son.

7. I love Nick Nurse and the entire Toronto Raptors organization. Ujiri might be a top five executive of all-time, folks. The Kawhi trade + the Nurse hire + drafting Spicy P, VanVleet, Anouby, and Boucher makes one insanely scorching executive hot streak. Celtics v. Raptors in the second round is gonna be a dog fight – Tatum lining up against Siakam to determine best wing in the east has me drooling.

8. I love Charles Barkley’s hatred of the Rockets…”team full of munchkins.”

9. I love the battle for the 8th seed in the West. The Grizzlies, Pelicans, and Kings all have incredible young cores that are jockeying for invaluable post-season experience. Hopefully Jaren Jackson and Brandon Clarke (Grizz) and Richaun Holmes and Marvin Bagley (Kings) get healthy for the stretch run. I didn’t forget Portland – the Blazers don’t have a shot in hell to make the playoffs, and we’ll get into that shortly.

10. I love Giannis and the Lopez Twins setting the tone the Bucks via WWE inspired pre-game antics.

Shit like this makes me think they aren’t as fatally flawed as they might be.

Here’s where it gets fun, mafuckas! Preemo, Nore, and Blaq Poet – set it off!!

  1. I loathe everything about James Harden as a person, as a player, and as a microcosm of our nation’s general insanity. This deserves it’s own blog, kids. It really, really does. In lieu of that happening right now, just watch this compilation of the self-proclaimed MVP doing non-MVP things:

2. I despise Doris Burke’s steadfast commitment to contradicting herself, fellating LeBron, and never delivering anything insightful via her horrfiic commentary. HEY DORIS! SHUT THE FUCK UP, K?!? LEBRON ISN’T IN THE DISUCSSION FOR MVP WITH GIANNIS. THIS IS NOT A NARRATIVE WORTH EXPLORING. IT’S NOT A DOOR TO BE LEFT OPEN. YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHY? HERE’S GIANNIS’ SEASON COMPARED TO LEBRON’S (keep in mind the Bucks thrashed the Lakers H2H and are 53-9 next to LA’s 47-13).

giannis_bron

Doesn’t take a math major to determine who’s having the better statistical season, right? Here’s the kicker though, Doris. Bron might not be the most valuable Laker! His “best teammate” is the third best player when using advanced stats in NBA history! Let’s look at Brow v. Khris Middleton for good measure, Doris:

brow_middleton

You know what grinds my gears, fellow travelers? You see the stats WS & WS/48? That means “win shares” and “win shares per 48 minutes.” It’s essentially how much an individual has contributed to his team winning games this season. That sounds like a way to determine a player’s “value” on their respective team, right? It appears as if the Unibrow is rocking around at 9.9 WS and .264 WS/48…wait, what? That’s more than LeBron’s 8.8 WS and .212 WS/48?!?!? RIDDLE ME THIS, DORIS! HOW THE FUCK IS HE THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE WHEN HIS TEAMMATE IS WINNING MORE GAMES FOR THE LAKERS THAN HE IS??!??!? God damn it, I hate her.

(BTW – Giannis is leading the league with 10.3 WS and .287 WS/48)

3. I hate Trae Young’s drowned rat face, but I hate his ridiculous hype machine even more. I guess it’s a hot take to think Trae Young is vastly overrated. If it is, consider me Scalding Smails. I’m going even further with this – Trae Young will NEVER make the playoffs as a team’s best player. You know how I know this? Because he’s never been a winner before…at any level. He’s 38-97 in his two NBA seasons. He lost to a garbage Rhode Island team in the first round of the NCAA tourney at Oklahoma. He never won a state title in high school, people! This clip sums up everything about Trae Young in a swift two minutes:

4. I hate that Dame Lillard is going to miss the playoffs because the Blazers acquired + empowered Carmelo Anthony.

Admittedly, he’s been better as Blazer than a Rocket. But that’s like saying gonorrhea is better than herpes. Here’s his shooting numbers at a glance:

melo

What I want you to take away is that he’s averaging the third most attempts on the team despite ranking 15 out of 18 in shooting percentages / efficiency. He’s also preventing young players like Simons, Little, and Trent from truly developing. I hate Carmelo, and I hope Dame does too.

5. I’m angry and hateful that injuries have not allowed to see the Pacers play to their potential. Oladipo missed half the year and has looked beyond rusty upon returning. Brogdon has been banged up all season. Lamb is done for the year. Turner can’t consitently stay on the court. Their one constant force, Damontas Sabonis, is having his breakout year drift into the NBA ether due to his team’s pseudo irrelevance. And that’s a damn shame.

That’s enough hate…here are my honorable mention love’s to end this obscenely long blog on a positive note.

  • Chris Paul’s remarkable season in OKC – CP was an All Star and is doing his thing via true excellence as a leader.
  •  Ja Morant trying to collect All Star bodies any chance he can – he’s gonna dunk on an All NBA guy soon. My bet is Gobert.
  • Bam Adebayo’s emergence as a legitimate stud.
  • Refering to Kyrie Irving as “the butterfly catcher” with ATrain. Never gets old.

PBM has left the building. Tip your servers, family.

Kevin Durant is a Dunce.

Jimmy Butler is a straight up boss. Peep this.

Butler lists his top five hardest defensive assignments as LeBron, Kyrie, Durant, Steph, and Harden. He provides legitimate reasons as to why they challenged him, swallows his pride multiple times, and once again showcases that his attitude towards the game is rooted in the old school ways. This article and his impact on the Heat this season have forced me to reevaluate Butler – I now view him as a top ten guy in today’s league. Butler’s presence on the floor matched has matched the power of his written, and his stock is rising. You know who never, ever helps himself via the written word or any words for that matter? Kevin Durant. You know who else chimed in with a his top five toughest dudes to defend list? Fuckin’ Kevin Durant. This is his list.

In the wake of his nonsense with Kendrick Perkins, you’d think KD would take a breather from expressing his views on things to the public. His insecurity over Twitter gave Perkins enough room to arguably win their exchange, and it became yet another addition to his growing list of media fails. KD’s verbal warfare is the polar opposite of his offensive game on the NBA floor. Instead of countless defenders, it is ALWAYS Durant whom looks foolish. Examples? How about the burner Twitter accounts, his beef with Draymond, his text feud with Chris “Bum Ass” Broussard, as well several other spats that I don’t care to mention? That all said, it gives to context to his terrible list. Even more context can be ascertained when examining the backlash from his infamous move to Golden State after the 2015-2016 NBA season. With all the above in mind, I can firmly see what Durant’s agenda was in listing these five dudes:

  1. LeBron James
  2. Kawhi Leonard
  3. Paul George
  4. Joel Embiid
  5. Lou Williams

LeBron is obvious and necessary. He is a top five player of all time, and he’s been Durant’s chief competition for the true MVP every season of his career. Kawhi is also obvious and necessary – they clashed in the western conference for the majority of each’s career, and they never backed down from each other. Here’s where it gets tricky…why the hell did KD include PG and Lou over his current and former teammates such as Steph, Kyrie, and Harden? You might say, “well, he probably never guarded Steph or Kyrie one-on-one for long stretches of time.” However, if that’s the reason why, it doesn’t add up. Lou Williams is the same type of cover (with lesser handling and shooting than both Steph and Kyrie), and that would mean he too wasn’t Durant’s defensive responsibility for large chunks of time. Combining that thinking with Durant’s inclusion of Paul George over James Harden and his EXTENSIVE history of insecure behavior allows me to really connect some dots. Ready?

  1. Anybody remember any epic Durant / PG duels? Bueller?  Let us look at their H2H stats to refresh our memories, shall we? durantPGUm, Kevin? He shoots 38% against you. You’re either hyping your own defense too much or you’re overstating PG’s offensive talents. I think it’s the latter, because it makes your mortal enemy (Russell Westbrook) look bad, and it also makes Kawhi’s move to the Clippers look slightly similar to your own highly scrutinized move to the Warriors. The intent to devalue Kawhi and/or justify his own career choices is not hard to see, as it also aligns with him including Lou Williams over the likes of Curry and Irving. Either way you slice it, including Paul George on this list is a joke. The numbers (and sane brains) suggest it should be James Harden in George’s place: durantharden
  2.  Lou Williams’ inclusion on his top five is even more comical, and when you see the numbers it becomes downright hysterical.loudurant Here’s KD v. Kyrie:kyriedurantAnd finally, here’s KD v. Steph:stephdurantKevin – YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS. Either this man doesn’t remember A SINGLE FUCKING THING from the games he plays, or he’s pushing an agenda that is patently absurd. No matter its catalyst, I find this level of ignorance offensive from an all-time great hooper.
  3.  We need to discuss Embiid’s placement in this grouping. We’ve established why he most likely isn’t doling out props to his teammates (both past and present). We’ve also established this list as a potential way to celebrate his own defensive chops, correct? With that in mind, he had to include a big man. But why Joel over Giannis? Numbers time!durantembiidWow, man. Just wow. Joel’s .373 FG% in their three regular season matchups made his list. Kevin Durant is fucking tone deaf. Let’s see Giannis’ stats:durantgiannisAs expected, Giannis has performed at a better clip against KD than Embiid. KD included Embiid because Giannis is the reigning MVP and KD isn’t happy about that. Or maybe he does have the worst memory on Earth. Regardless, I bet when they see each other again Giannis brings the ruckus to Durant’s dome.
  4. Despite all of the above, Durant’s biggest error was leaving a legend off his list. Let’s peep Durant’s H2H with one of the best offensive player of all time, Dirk Nowitzki (14 playoff games against one another):durantdirkOf all the guys we’ve discussed, Dirk deserves his place on KD’s list the most. Why didn’t he get it? Because Durant is tone deaf, guys. His actions, his words, and the numbers add up to equal an absurdly confused, insecure dude. His attempts to script his own narrative, unlike LeBron, have backfired. His ways have made this meme a large chunk of his legacy:

durantbitch

Damn, Kevin. It’s a shame how far we done fell.

OBJ is Joe Burrow’s Opposite

Before we get down to business, please allow me to pump my own tires with that palindrome in the title – damn, it feels good to be back!

I was going to make this post about Burrow’s greatness and not focus entirely on OBJ, but ATrain already covered the first part. Let me be very clear – I’m writing this in order to ensure the narrative stays focused on the accomplishments of LSU and their legendarily fantastic quarterback. The Train said it best when he wrote “stats mean less without wins” (or something like that), Burrow managed to break / tie records both statistically and in the win column. And you know what? Thank God he did. He personified greatness in a time when our collective sports mind needed someone to do so. If he didn’t, who knows how college QBs would be discussed in 2020? Some putz on FS1, a million IG pages, and the youth of today might be arguing Colt Brennan’s 58 TD season was “greater” than Vince Young’s Rose Bowl winning one. I appreciate you, Joe Burrow. More than I can put into words.

Now…what I CAN put into words is my pure, unadulterated, and unquantifiable hatred of Odell Beckham, Jr. If you haven’t seen it already, here’s what that chump did in the face of his university’s beautiful moment last night:

https://twitter.com/volblood/status/1217069578351775744

LSU has already issued a statement saying it was prop money. You can find that here.

The author of the post I linked to above suggests that if you believe LSU, well, then you have to believe that OBJ went out and procured A LOT of fake money before this game. If you believe that, you’re in the same camp as those who believe LeBron was actually the official A&R for 2Chainz’s “Rap Or Go To The League” project (which means Bron spent hours with labels negotiating feature prices, typed all the lyrics into Rap Genius, and cleared every sample used on the album). I’ll be clear – if you’re in those camps, you’re a fucking idiot.

…ugh. I’m so fired up about this, rail riders. The fact that LSU had to officially address OBJ’s antics, not even twenty-four hours after their season of destiny, is beyond reprehensible! It is so disgusting not because OBJ broke NCAA rules that need to be broken, but because of the manner in which he decided to do so. Peel ’em off in the locker room, or at the club later, or today when they’re hungover and needing fuel for tonight, OBJ! But that’s not your style is it, dude? You needed to find your way into their spotlight, play the role of a “real one,” and cast a shadow over a beautiful moment that you had ZERO to do with. The only way you helped anyone last night was you gave us a reason as to why LeBron wouldn’t let you stay in his house.

I’m not about the cancel culture, people. I’m about second, third, and fourth chances if they’re layered with distinctly different intentions. I lose that empathy and sympathy when people continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. OBJ hasn’t changed, and he isn’t trying to in the slightest. Remember the boat trip?

OBJ and others did this before a playoff game. OBJ had a remarkably bad game following this ill advised journey, and he delivered this apology:

I believe he states that he has learned to not “take attention away from his teammates” or something along those lines. Whatever he says exactly, it can be paraphrased to suggest he’s gained humility, self awareness, and maturity from the experience. Guess what, rail riders? He fuckin’ hasn’t. Last night’s shenanigans show that OBJ still values his own grandiosity and arrogance more than all, and I doubt that will shift until his playing days start to dwindle. That will drive him towards a mindful post-retirement career (unlikely) or a very distasteful and highly publicized flame out (smart money is on this outcome).

Lastly, can you believe OBJ had the audacity to tell Burrow how to be a leader on IG? Peep this:

burrowIG

Um, Mr. Beckham? You spelled “many” wrong, and your sentiment is very far from reality. It most certainly is about getting to the top of the mountain, and Mr. Burrow most definitely lead the state school of his state in phenomenal fashion.

Congrats, Odell. You get the Jeru treatment, clown. Not only does your dogshit “guidance” have a paper trail, you once again got caught on video being a player who is only playin’ himself. 

Marrying Modern Hip Hop & The NBA

The NBA is the best league in professional sports, and the start of the season has cemented their alpha-league status. Hip Hop is the best musical art form ever created, and the recent releases have once again distanced its excellence from the likes of country (NFL), indie music (NHL), EDM (MLS), and modern rock (MLB). What better time for PBM to cross-culturally compare the stars of the National Basketball Association with their Hip Hop equivalents? Each comparison is based on their musical success seemingly measuring up to their comparison’s on-court performance (sales/downloads and wins/per-game stats), their personalities aligning, and their flow / lyrical capabilities matching with on-court style and demeanor. The last measurable will be rooted in whether or not the two individuals are “battle-tested” (the great Joe Budden would consider this the most important measurable of all). Without further adieu, let’s get to the most obvious pairing first.

LeBron James is Drake.

LeBron’s regular season totals? They’re the equivalent of Drake’s sales and streams. LeBron’s continued stardom? Drake was also a child star / prodigy. LeBron’s “steadfast” loyalty to Akron and Ohio despite leaving the state for greener pastures multiple times? That would be Drake being the “biggest Raptors fan alive” while trying to celebrate titles with the Heat, rocking rival jerseys while performing in other cities to pander to the fans, and getting the stars of the Warriors names tattooed on his body.draketat

Each man is the self-proclaimed “GOAT” when they’ve been bullied, disrespected, beaten, or outright ignored by their peers and their industry’s respective legends. Each man also has groups of diehard STANs that refuse to cite anything other than their individual numbers to fuel their arguments – this is where the “battle tested” component comes into play. How can both of these dudes think they’re the best of all-time when they both consistently lose to their peers (both young and old)?!? Think about it…

LeBron has consistently taken L’s to Kawhi, Steph, Durant, Tim Duncan, Paul Pierce, and Dirk in the playoffs. He’s lost MVPs to Steph, Durant, Harden, Giannis, and Westbrook! Right now, he’s not even the best player on his own team. He has one title that stands out as memorable and/or due to this contributions, and his overall NBA Finals record is 17-32.

Drake has been lyrically or conversationally DEMOLISHED in beefs with Common, Budden, Diddy, Pusha T, DMX, and Kendrick Lamar. His wins? Meek Mill and Tyga. Pusha T’s evisceration of him last summer stands out the most, as he even found a picture of Drake in blackface for the single’s artwork.

Wanna know what this makes this even better? LeBron and Drake talked about Drake’s defeat on LeBron’s shitty HBO show.

Listen to the language they use! Drake calls his non-response to Pusha’s brutality his “decision!” He said he didn’t want to let LeBron down by said decision! Who better to discuss how decisions can let people down other than LeBron James, right?

Lastly, each man has left behind no legacy in their respective professions. LeBron has nurtured ZERO young teammates in his career. In fact, he’s traded them all away for dudes who could help pad his stats in the moment. Drake has ZERO young men directly tied to his legacy in Hip Hop. There is no Roc Nation, there is no Death Row, there is no TDE, and there is no Dreamville for Aubrey. While each dude has their diehard admirers, their fellow professionals rarely stand tall for their skills. When they do, it is behind a microphone for clout and/or on a feature to get paid.

I nailed this one, people.

Kawhi Leonard is Pusha T.

Obviously, right? Both men ruthlessly slay the false prophets of their kingdoms in H2H competition. Each man was groomed for success by the legends of their respective fields. Each man has multiple styles to attack their crafts with, and both tend to be extremely enigmatic in their approach. They raise their levels when the stakes are highest, and are ruthless when they do it. What made this comparison fit the most for me was a defect that each man possesses – we don’t get enough content from either one. Kawhi’s “load management” routine is painfully detrimental to his legacy. King Push put out a slamming “album” last year – his first in a minute – but it wasn’t really an album. DAYTONA only had seven tracks and in actuality was more of an EP.

Ultimately, they’re both all-time legends of their craft. Unfortunately, we may remember each one for leaving too much on the table. Here’s their finest moments for posterity:

Stephen Curry is J. Cole.

Two Carolina-raised, soft spoken dudes. Two insanely intelligent dudes who cherish collaboration and love to foster the growth of their younger peers. Two men who don’t tout their individual accomplishments and whom don’t give any weight to individual awards – shit, Cole doesn’t even go to the Grammy’s. Lastly, two dudes who will be remembered as two of the most skilled individuals to ever hoop / rap – Steph is the GOAT shooter, and Cole just might be the most diverse / skilled lyricist to ever rock the mic.

The biggest connection for me is how they each make their fellow players / rappers better. Steph has brought up Klay, Draymond, Looney, and Quinn Cook. He saved or extended the careers of Livingston, Iggy, Bogut, JaVale, and David West. J. Cole’s Dreamville label made arguably the most complete album of 2019, and his labelmates carried the torch. Bas, Lute, J.I.D., EARTHGANG, and Cozz have flourished under J. Cole’s watch. All have ascertained individual success, respect, and relevance while consistently representing J. Cole’s standard for Hip Hop.

Here’s Klay on Steph and a collaboration from the Dreamville core MC’s:

Zion Williamson is DaBaby…I hope.

Nice Segway from that last video to this comparison. It’s actually more of a prediction, because Zion hasn’t shown us anything yet in the league. Stay tuned to see if he can match “Suge” on the floor.

Freddie Gibbs is Kemba Walker.

I really wanted to make Gibbs and Giannis work – especially because Freddie dropped a banger in the Greek Freak’s honor this summer.

Unfortunately, the styles and circumstances don’t quite fit. Freddie and Kemba though? Here’s why I went there:

  • Both are proven winners with All Star stats – even when they are supported by dipshits. Kemba won titles in UCONN and is currently leading the league’s #1 offense in Boston + dominated individually for the hapless Bobcats / Hornets. Gibbs has made two of the best Hip Hop albums in my entire collection when partnered with the genius of Madlib. He also managed to churn out bangers despite being minimized and ignored while on Young Jeezy’s BMF label.
  • Kemba is probably the best pure point guard in the NBA. He might even be the only one left in the mold of Zeke, young CP3, Deron Williams, Young Marbury, Nash, Kidd, and other 90’s-00’s legends. Gibbs is definitely the best rapper to be actively recording Hip Hop music. That isn’t saying he’s the biggest star, people. It’s saying NO ONE raps better than him when handed a microphone in 2019. Just like no other PG’s are leading the best offenses in the NBA like Kemba Walker.
  • No one will ever fuck with either one of these dudes. Kemba is a real one from the Bronx. Gibbs is a real one and a native of Gary, IN. They’ll beat the shit out of their foes if necessary.

Time to enjoy the masters at work:

Other comparisons to come if I have the time later on today…

James Harden is Travis Scott.

Kevin Durant is Kendrick Lamar.

Lou Williams, Pat Beverly, and Montrezz Harrell are Westside Gunn, Conway, and Benny the Butcher.

Giannis is Dave East.

Kyrie Irving is Chance the Rapper.

Anthony Davis is Logic.

Jimmy Butler is Jay Rock.