Remember remember the 5th of November…. Ever since I saw the movie “V” for Vendetta, November 5th has been Guy Fawkes Day up in ole’ A-Trains dome piece. No longer! From now on November 5th is Red Hair Day, because I love red hair. Specifically I love women with red hair, on a guy it’s whatever. I’m not gonna lie there is a redhead double standard and it isn’t kind to the menfolk.
Today we give a shout out to some of the individuals most responsible for A-Trains love of redheads.
Jessica Rabbit is the confirmed patient zero for my love of redheads. I think for many guys of my generation Jessica Rabbit was our first experience with overt female sexuality. A boys first encounter with a thirsty girl is not one to forget, even if she’s a cartoon.
After Jessica Rabbit, the next ladies in a young 1990’s lads life are the babes that grace the covers of fashion mags. Enter Angie Everhart. She was it for young A-Train. What an absolute fox. Sadly her acting career didn’t blossom and I’m left with not much to remember her by. Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood was her biggest role.
Willow might be the quintessential childhood movie for old A-Train. Of course the Evil Princess turned good, was a fiery redhead with a warriors attitude. But deep down she was a romantic, not unlike myself. She fell for the dust of broken hearts…both on and off screen. Joanne Whalley married her co-star Val Kilmer and pretty much stopped acting. She was a one hit wonder, but what a hit it was.
When a woman threatens to geld you on the first date if you get out of line, you got a keeper.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then the above picture is a ten page essay on why Unhappily Ever After was a hit show. Mr. Floppy you were funny too. Nikki Cox was impossibly hot but acted like you might have a chance with her if you were just funny/charming enough. Tiffany Malloy was Kelly Bundy except hotter. A-Train watched way too much of Unhappily just to catch a glimpse of this stone cold fox.
Isla Fisher and Christina Hendricks:
Two of my more modern day woman crushes. Joan rocked it on Mad Men and Isla lights up every scene she’s ever been in. These girls are two sides of the same redheaded coin.
The redheaded beauties from A Song of Ice and Fire.
George RR Martin and I are on the same page when it comes to those who are kissed by fire. I can tell he’s a fan.
I think I would have just run away with Ygritte. Shout out to Roz…my favorite GoT character that doesn’t exist in the books. It wasn’t right what Joffrey did to you.
Apologies to all the red heads who deserve mention but didn’t make the cut. Cough.. (Faye Reagan)
Everyone in America knows who Brett Favre is. Some people know Brett Favre a bit too well, no I’m not talking about Jenn Sterger. I’m talking about myself. Brett Favre is a destroyer of childhoods.
Football is life to me, and it has always been that way. As soon as I understood the rudiments of Football, I was in love. Cartoons on Saturday were now just what was on before College Football. Sundays was about finding hoping the Bears were on TV, or listening on Radio if it wasn’t televised.
1994 is before NFL Sunday Ticket existed and you were pretty much stuck watching whatever the local game was. When your team played Monday Night it was a big deal if you lived out of market, as was the case with young A-Train.
This was the last year of my childhood that St. Louis did not have an NFL team, The Rams showed up next year, the Bears were on TV even less after that.
When I saw that the Bears were playing the Green Bay Packers, I could barely contain my excitement. The plan was to hit the block hard before the game started, to get back in time for kickoff with a massive haul of candy. I would gorge on said candy, while I watched my favorite team lay the smack down. Or so I thought…
Getting the candy was easy, I don’t even remember my costume that year. One year I went as a deranged Cubs fan. This could have been that year. All I know for sure is that A-Train held up his end of the bargain. I was home with Candy at kickoff.
I was just a kid during this game but I was already generally aware of Brett Favre. Most of my short life Chicago had owned the Green Bay Packers. In fact I had always looked at Tampa Bay and Green Bay as the division scrubs, while I thought Minnesota and Detroit were the teams to beat. Barry Sanders frightened the shit out of me, he was a Bears killer. That all changed when Mike Holmgren got to Green Bay. By 1994 he had been there for a couple years and Holmgen was really turning it around. His young QB Favre was instrumental in the turn around.
This is back when each conference had only 3 divisions, the Tampa Bay Bucs were in the Bears division.
Favre wasn’t a Rookie, he had been around a few years, beaten the Bears already, but I had not really seen him play. I had not sat down and watched an entire Brett Favre Game. What I saw was the beginning of the end. In a torrential downpour Brett Favre orchestrated several drives down the field using his arm and his legs to get the job done. The Bears on the other hand seemed to be stuck in the mud. The Bears would no longer dominate the Packers, they would be the ones getting dominated. I had a bad feeling that this Favre guy was going to be a thorn in my side for a while. It sucks to be right sometimes.
Favre wasn’t just good he was great, and worst of all he broke your spirit. It was his gunslinger play style that really it. You would think you had Favre dead to rights and he would just fling a perfect pass to a covered WR. Sometimes he would throw an INT but somehow vs the Bears it always worked out for him.
That 1994 season was an odd one. The Bears, Vikings, Lions and Packers all made the playoffs. This was back when we had 3 division winners, and 3 wild card teams make the playoffs. This would never happen again, and the NFL realigned in 2002 making 3 wild card teams a thing of the past.
I’m glad Favre is gone, but somehow Green Bay walked right into Aaron Rodgers so my nightmare continues.
I decided to check in on former ESPN Superstar Jay Mariotti. What’s my most hated sportswriter of all-time up too these days?
( Bill Plaschke is lucky that Jay Mariotti is around or I’d turn my hate on him)
He’s keeping busy! Good for Jay! He is hosting a National Podcast. How is that going for you Jay?
Not a lot of twitter love? Where are your Kevin Durant burner accounts? Don’t you tell me you only have the one? Jay keep up with the fast paced up-to-the-minute sports world. You are gonna start lagging behind Woody Paige. Who am I kidding Woody left you in the dust a while ago…
How delusional is Jay? I feel bad for him. He’s doing a “national podcast” that nobody listens to. What exactly makes a podcast a “national podcast”? I mean isn’t every podcast national? Why settle? Call it an “international podcast” Jay, I bet there is someone in India who will listen to you for a few rupees.
So, I guess Jay is fighting the good fight, clutching at relevancy. He got a chance to go at Barstool and ESPN all while white-knighting over twitter! This was his Golden opportunity, oh and what do you know? Of his 53,200 followers he he got four re-tweets. I guess four people forgot who Mariotti is, either that or Jamie O’Grady and his 3 burner accounts got to re-tweeting.
I could go at Jay really hard on this, pull up all the shit in his past. It’s not worth my time, nobody listens to him except maybe his cat.
Nope not even his cat: The Cat reached out to A-Train Sports, his name is Pawsie Guillen and he said living with Jay is like Meow-schwitz. He suffers constant torment at the hands of Mariotti.
More on the liberation of Pawsie later, for now A-Train is gonna leave Jay to his musings nobody can hear them anyway. Bye Jaylecia.
For legal reasons EA Sports had to stop making it’s NCAA Football Video Game Franchise. (Originally Bill Walsh Football) That was a sad day for A-Train. The NCAA Football Franchise was my rock. It’s release day was bigger than Christmas, and it was no more. Sure there was Madden, but when it comes to video game football my motto is “Give me College or give me Death!”
The Game had a dynasty mode, and when you played dynasty one of the goals was always to win the Heisman Trophy. It was almost as important to the college gamer as winning a national title. The problem is that winning the Heisman Trophy could be difficult, especially if you’re playing on “Heisman” difficulty. The computer’s AI players would put up absurd numbers. There was always a QB from Texas Tech putting up over 5000 yards and 50 TDs. If you played your dynasty deep, where you were going 10+ years into the game with your coach, teams like Rice and North Texas would inexplicably become powerhouses. They would have Running backs routinely going over 2000 yards. Somehow in the simulation nobody ever got hurt.
(No matter how tempting you cannot turn off injuries in NCAA football, it will cost you a man card)
Playing on Heisman difficulty your guys got hurt all the time, usually it wasn’t serious but sometimes it was. The injury bug bit most when you over work a star player. Believe me there is nobody you have to over work more than a serious Heisman contender. Especially if that player is a running back.
This is where me and my fellow “Dubs” heads had to get creative. You gotta play that guy everywhere, you have to put him in the slot. You have to run wheel routes from the backfield. He’s gotta return punts and kicks. You screen him from both the backfield and out wide. He takes direct snaps at QB. He throws HB passes.* You make him do everything.
*The video game HB Pass is difficult to pull off because the HB never has the arm strength or accuracy to make a good enough pass.
Coaches in real life rarely take this approach. Rarely do they have a player on the level with Saquon Barkley. When I watch Penn State I feel like James Franklin is channeling my old video game coaches. He’s got him doing everything and it’s having the same effect on the Heisman race.
The later editions of the game made moving the RB around extremely easy by implementing sub packages within the formation. The old editions of the game you had to continuously adjust your depth chart.
Harbaugh did his best with Jabril Peppers, trying to make him Charles Woodson 2.0, but Peppers isn’t Woodson and defensive players just don’t get the touches. Saquon Barkley is gonna get enough touches and enough exposure to win the Heisman going away in true “Dubs” fashion.
It is truly sad that NCAA Football is no more because I have a serious feeling that next years edition would feature Saquon Barkley on the cover.
I was once a degenerate College Freshmen. A degenerate College freshmen who in week one at the University of Missouri made the University Police Blotter for getting caught smoking blunts in the dorms. Not ideal. My floor was a healthy mix of nerds and narcs. I had to get out of the dorms. That pretty much meant joining a fraternity. I heard that SAE partied the most, so I became an SAE. Cut to the start of the second semester and I’m meeting my pledge brothers.
We are a spring pledge class, so there are only 8 of us. Compare that to around 30 pledges that were in the fall class. We had to do the work previously done by triple the man power. My pledge class was an eclectic group of guys, some of them I loved, some of them I hated. One of the guys I loved was this goofy fuck from Layaffette High School named David Freese. You might recognize the name since he hit one of the most dramatic home runs in World Series History and propelled the Cardinals to a title and himself to WS MVP.
David and I got along right away, we loved a lot of the same things, he liked to party, I liked to party. He didn’t give a shit about school & neither did I, we went to class, but it wasn’t a huge priority, neither of us were doing any homework. We would both later get kicked out of Mizzou for grades. Kids, I don’t recommend this. Dave apparently had a pro baseball career to fall back on. I did not.
Right off the bat Dave starts calling me A-Train, a fitting nickname given that my name starts with an “A” and I was a stocky muscle/fat guy. I played nose tackle in high school if that gives you an idea. A-Train catches on right away and I’m now a guy with a halfway decent nickname that the brothers kinda know.
(I have to pause and tell you how important this was for my life, in 2001 greek life got away with a lot of “hazing” At my frat we were called Donkey’s and our life was chores and doing errands/favors for the brothers. Nothing physical or gay, we were a cleaning, butler and cab service for the active members. They play favorites and nickname-guy is always a fraternity favorite over not nickname-guy I would get the job of driving guys to the Casino while other guys would be scrubbing the floor.)
That one semester probably accounts for like 10% of my best memories. And one of those memories was when I realized David Freese was really fucking good at baseball.
A lot of the guys in my fraternity went to Layaffette High School like Dave; so many in fact that we joked it was a fraternity within a fraternity. Three of the eight guys in my class were Layaffette Lancers, so they had known Dave for years. I remember distinctly Ryan L, casually saying that Dave was an idiot. That he was really fucking good at baseball, that he should be starting for University of Missouri baseball team. Instead he was just being the average college shit head.
I was skeptical, people love to talk up the athletes from their High School. A guy from my high school was the starting catcher for Mizzou and he was an incredible athlete, I looked at Dave and I didn’t see it. I think I was clouded by the fact I knew I could kick his ass. When you know you can beat someone up, it’s hard to take them seriously as an athlete. I was curious if Ryan L, was telling the truth about Dave, a few days later, I found out.
The brothers played a game in our parking lot called home run derby. We used a wiffle ball bat and a wiffle-ball that was covered in duct-tape, so it would travel farther. Only balls leaving the parking lot counted, The outfielders could rob HRs but they couldn’t leave the asphalt. Of course us pledges were out in the ivy beyond the parking lot shagging balls.
Shagging balls was a shit job as far as pledge duties go, it was also a duty nickname-guy often got out of. Today that wasn’t the case and Dave and I are out in the ivy swatting away insects in the humid Missouri air. Bitching to each other about how much this sucks. From the asphalt one of the active brothers calls for Dave to come take some swings for his team. I think to myself “oh now I can see if Ryan was telling the truth about Dave.” Before my brain has even finished forming the thought; Dave is sprinting up to the plate. It’s hard to describe what he did to the very first pitch, but he sent the ball farther than I thought it could theoretically go.
I mean it wasn’t a real baseball, he was using a plastic bat. It sailed over the ivy, over an apartment building and across the street. Nobody had hit the ball half as far, and they had been doing this for hours.
It was pretty much decided using Dave was cheating. He was back shagging balls soon enough. But I saw all I needed to see. I saw exactly what Ryan was talking about.
I have a ton of stories from that semester, Dave is involved in a lot of them. That’s why I was really pissed to find out after that semester Dave was not coming back to school. We kept in touch for one more semester after he left, but I also failed out and we just sorta lost touch. I ended up getting back in and getting a degree. But I wasn’t nearly as involved in frat life as I was before and had to actually focus on school. I hadn’t heard what had happened to Dave.
Then one day, I’m reading a razzball.com & they are talking about a guy named David Freese. I quickly pull the picture, and there he is! My fucking boy in the show! I guess he was an idiot for going to Mizzou? Or not I don’t know. It turned out well for him. I usually don’t root for the St. Louis Cardinals, but I was jumping for joy when I watched Dave put the team and city on his back in game 6, and lock it up game 7.
Things turned out all right for Dave, as for A-Train well I’m still working on that. Definitely not a millionaire like my boy.
There is no better time to take an account of your favorite teams during than during the Sports Nexus, especially if you have a baseball team still alive as I do. (At least until tonight.)
The Chicago Cubs: Down 0-3 to the Dodgers, is now down 1-3, and I get to sweat out another playoff baseball game. Playoff baseball can take years off a passionate fan’s life, especially if Joe Maddon happens to manage your team. Still win or lose the state of the Cubs is pretty damn good. This team should contend for years to come. Final Grade A.
The Chicago Blackhawks: I hesitate to put them in the good category but I can’t call them bad. The hesitation comes on the heels of an 0-4 ass kicking by the Blues. I’m worried that this team is gonna be good enough to make the playoffs but then bow out to a tougher team like they did year. Final Grade A-
Washington Husky Football: The Program is in great shape going forward, will need a better QB than Jake Browning to contend for a national title though. Well coached team that does a decent job recruiting. Final Grade B+
The Chicago Bears: I mean this team is 2-4 and has the worst weapons at WR in the history of the NFL. Ole Miss has better WRs than the Chicago Bears, that’s not me exaggerating. We are #TEAM-TRUBISKY at ATRAIN SPORTS, but our guy has nobody to throw to. If this team paid the money they spent on Glennon to retain Alshon Jeffery the Bears could actually contend for the division with Aaron Rodgers out. Now they seem destined for a last place finish. Still this team is one solid draft and a forward step from a young QB to being well on it’s way to competing. There is hope. Hope is just hope though, the team, as it is now, sucks. Final Grade D+
Florida Gator Football: I don’t talk a lot about my UF fandom, I have almost no connection to the school. I latched onto them because when I was really getting into following college football the Steve Spurrier led Florida Gators rules the SEC and had a heated in-state rivalry with the Florida State seminoles led by Bobby Bowden. At the time Florida-Florida State was a game you circled on your calendar in terms of impact on the national championship picture; the way you might circle the SEC Championship today. It was that big of a game. Lately the Gators have taken a major step back, I don’t see this team getting back to glory anytime soon. Final Grade C-
MIZZOU Football: I mean did you guys even show up to class this semester? Or were you off getting stoned in the boys bathroom. Hire a real coach and run a real offense. Final Grade F.
The Chicago Bulls: The Bulls are pathetic. They are run by imbeciles. The coach is so painfully inept it hurts to watch. The players are awful. Now we have all that plus a major fight thats gonna land one player needing surgery and another suspended for 8 games. The tank is as on as it gets in Chicago. The only problem is that the same inmates will be running the asylum even you you do land the # 1-2 pick. Final Grade F.
Did you know the same City is also hometown to former pop sensation Aaron Carter?
DING DING DING. Tampa is Correct.
There is a silverlingings playbook in all of this. One day Tampa will be no more. At some point we are gonna burn enough fossil fuels and screw mother nature enough that she finally lets go of those icebergs and we have a Waterworld-like scenario.
As you can see Florida will soon be wiped off the face of the planet. I’m not necessarily against it, but it would really change College Football. FSU-Miami won’t be the same played from the bottom of the ocean.
Sly Stallone has always been a low-key hero of mine for one reason. He wrote the movie Rocky, and refused to sell it to anyone that wouldn’t let him play Rocky. Most Actors wait forever to get the perfect role, Stallone just up and wrote one for himself. He just penned an all-time classic no big deal.
Then I found out about his dog Butkus, and I somehow like the guy even more. I wore number 51 in junior football and freshman year because of Dick Butkus. Sly was obviously a fan as well. He got Butkus in 1971 when he was learning screenwriting and living in squalor. Butkus the the perfect name for a bull mastiff, Dick Butkus was a bull mastiff of a man.
Butkus the dog was an inspiration, who was by Stallone’s side as he wrote Rocky. Sly’s financial situation was so bad he couldn’t afford Butkus and was forced to sell him for $40. Soon after, Sly was able to sell Rocky, but the owner wanted $15,000 for the dog. “Worth every penny” – Sly Stallone.
In fact the entire reason that Adrian worked in a pet store was so that Butkus could be in Rocky. In Rocky II Butkus makes an appearance as a gift from Adrian to Rocky. The two train together for Rocky’s rematch with Apollo Creed.
It may be Cage Week at Atrainsports, but The Bears play the Packers tonight and a dog named Butkus is just what the Dr. ordered.
I’ve had this little clip in my phone since before this blog began. I just “re-discovered” it and I feel like it’s too hilarious not to share. It’s from Illinois @ Nebraska Oct. 1, 2016.
I’ll let you guys be the judge but I say we have a clear cut case of pooped in pants. Let’s examine the evidence:
First, this woman has chocolate all over her face, that nobody is telling her about. Where did that chocolate come from? I headed over to the University of Nebraska website to checkout what concessions are offered that could account for all that fudge around her mouth.
Right below Hot Dogs, at the top of the list I think we have our culprit. “Ice Cream w/toppings” could those toppings be hot fudge? If not then we are looking at a Milky Way bar. This investigator finds that very unlikely. Ice Cream with Hot Fudge, that’s a lot of dairy on a Saturday, especially if you boozed it up pregame like we all know this chick did. You start mixing dairy with all the acid from the booze and your body starts making diarrhea soup inside you.
Here is the thing, I am a fat guy. This chick is a fat chick. I understand her mind. I understand that you don’t just go from boozing to Hot Fudge Sunday. Somewhere in her food history, before the purchase of the sweet, came the salty. But what salt based food did she consume to further her problem?
When looking at the menu, something caught my eye, “Runza”. What’s this now? I thought I knew all stadium foods. Curveball from Memorial Stadium, I gotta google this guy.
and what did Jim Gaffigan say about hot pockets?
Ok that, AND the fact it’s called a RUNZA for CHRIST SAKE! Runza is probably yiddish for The Runs. We all know what the Runs are.
So the dots are starting to connect. A timeline is starting to emerge. We have probable cause. Suspect wakes up, starts with a shower beer, proceeds to tailgate, inside stadium goes right at the Runzas. That gets crushed ,and before the Runza starts to rumble she’s back for Ice Cream, extra hot fudge please.
The evidence may be circumstantial, but when you really think about it, ALL evidence is circumstantial. ATrainSports believes, she didn’t poop her pants, she diarrhea’d them. We Rest Our Case.
You know it’s adderall fueled when it’s the third blog post of the day.
I’m begging the internet to find a new random picture to meme-ify so I can stop seeing this goddamn visual cliche’ everytime I open my eyes. It was fun for a minute. I was never really into it, but I understand how things go viral. Still this picture is so stale and I see it so often it makes me wonder if the entire human race has gotten lazy and uncreative. This abomination is showing no signs of slowing down. I actually heard some ESPN dingbat trying to describe this meme on air as it related to the Chicago Bears Quarterback Situation….you guessed it our boy Mitch Trubisky was the girl in the red dress.
Look if you want to fool around with this in the privacy of your own home and share it amongst friends…I’m cool with that. For my own sake I refuse to post even the meme of this meme that makes fun of this meme…are you still with me? I know that last bit was a mouthful. But I have to post the straw that broke this camels back. We are now using it for a mormon’s ability to drink a diet coke, good grief.
Don’t forget the CAW….Cage Appreciation Week is next week…