Throwback Thursday. USC vs Texas. Vince Young takes all the milk.

 

“Taking Milk” is a term that PBM and myself use for when a player dominates on the football field. The term comes from an episode of “The League” formerly on FX. When Jay Cutler’s son fumbles his milk bottle, and another baby takes it. “He took the Milk!” is proudly exclaimed by the baby’s father Kevin, likening it to a strip/sack in football.

Texas is going to southern California to play USC on Saturday, and I’m reminded of one of the great milk-taking performances these eyes have ever witnessed. I speak of Vince Young’s triumph in the Rose Bowl over USC back in January of 2006. To really “take milk” and have it mean something especially in the College game, the performance must be against TOP competition.

Anybody can take milk when you’re playing Akron or North Carolina A&T. Case in point: Johnny Manziel won the Heisman Trophy because he took milk from the Alabama Crimson Tide when they were #1 in the country. Cam Newton also took Alabama’s milk and won a Heisman on the back of it. Why? Because Alabama is the gold standard in College Football today. If you can take milk from Alabama you can take it from just about anyone.

Back in 2006, USC was the Gold Standard of College Football. They were dominant. Like Alabama is today, they were coached by a great defensive mind in Pete Carrol. They had won 34 games in a row. The USC defense was full of future NFL players. ESPN was running stories asking the question: “Was this USC team the best College Football of all-time.” Asking it BEFORE they play the Championship Game. That didn’t sit well with Texas. It didn’t sit well with me either. I had been watching both teams all season and I was pretty sure Texas was better. The reason Texas was better is that the had the better QB in Vince Young. Texas had won 19 in a row and we’re going into the game just as hot as USC.

Vince didn’t win the Heisman Reggie Bush did. An award that would later have to be vacated along will the rest of that season for USC. Vince deserved it. He should have a Heisman in his home, no question. He was unstoppable. Reggie Bush was no slouch and he led a very hi-octane attack for USC. The game was going to be everything you could want in a heavyweight title fight.

Video Courtesy of Harris Highlights. Check out some of their other videos.

It would also be the last game for a broadcasting legend. Kieth Jackson was the voice of College Football. You knew if you were watching the Keith Jackson game, it was big. Kieth’s last game might have been his biggest and best ever. I was glad to see a legend go out on such a great game.

The epic battle ended after a 4th and 5 scramble from Vince Young. It was his 3rd rushing TD to go with 200 yards rushing. He added another 267 passing. That day all the milk belonged to Vince Young.

 

 

Week 1 Power Ranks: The Holy War Film Festival.

Welcome to the 1st ever Holy War Film/Television Festival. We have several noteworthy entries this year. Some are good, some are bad, some are ugly.

On Thursday we were all treated to an advance screening of Blair’s new project “Notting wrong with having Tyreek Hill”

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Another Thursday Night Special was Justin’s remake of a popular 90’s sitcom.

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Wow! You won’t want to miss what these two are getting into am-i-right?

Next we have a somewhat dated comedy from Max. It probably wouldn’t fly today. But he’s hoping that audiences love the heartfelt bond that forms between Terrelle Pryor and a young boy.

 

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Jimbert is gonna try to re-make the book of Eli. He better hope ODB buys a ticket or this could be a box office flop!

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Bryan Fallstrom should be happy with his new film, the twist at the end is especially delightful! Stephan Diggs take the lead role in Diggstown.

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After losing David Johnson Jake needs somebody to step up. He’s looking to his friend Kelvin Benjamin.

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Ok this next one is to show how I’m still really terrible at this off-brand photoshop application Gimp. We got Shapiro starring in Regarding “Derrick” Henry.

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We had to bring in a special laser disc player to watch this trial of the human spirit. It was well worth it.

War Hero brings a fun and campy movie to the festival as well as a bevy of young running backs.

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OK this one isn’t my best work. Neither is the next one:

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Wow this is a lot to binge watch. Some of these movies look downright terrible. But maybe they are so bad, they’re good?

The Mitch Trubisky Saga continues: A Free Tarot Reading.

 

Quick note: I mis-spoke on the “page of swords” card. Replace the word “emotion” with “curiosity” and “gossip” emotion is tied to the suit of cups more than swords. Other than that this was a very positive reading. I swear on my honor that I did not predetermine the order of those cards, that was a 100% genuine reading. Honestly it’s got me a little shaken up. It was too positive, I hope I was interpreting those cards correctly. It’s like Lady Mellisandre looking into her night fires, the fires don’t lie, but the interpretation can be off.

Throwback Thursday: Magic Eye Posters, and the stupid people who look at them.

There was a lot of stupid shit to permeate American culture in the 90’s. The Magic Eye might take the cake. Children of the new millennium, your parents and grandparents would stare at these nothing posters in the hopes that image would appear.

 

I have nothing but hate for the Magic Eye Hoax industry. Yes, it is a hoax. They give you a poster that looks like color-vomit, and tell you if you stare at it, you will see an owl or a tiger or some bullshit like that. It’s the modern version of the emperor’s new clothes. There is no image in the color-puke, everybody who sees something is just pretending. If you say you see something you are either a liar or a damn fool. Do you know how dumb you look staring at a Magic Eye? Who gives a shit if you do see a shark? I can see an actual picture of a shark any time I want. I mean fuck why go to the Zoo? Just stare up at the clouds and wait for them to vaguely resemble animals.

What does it say about you if you see shit that’s not there? Of course a guy like Kramer is blown away by it. Why is this a good thing? I’m starting to think the entire Magic Eye corporation is just a money laundering scheme. Who is actually buying these things?

It’s not a schooner it’s a sailboat…

1995’s Mallrats isn’t an especially great movie, but it is so quintessentially 90’s. We are still pre-internet, and mall culture has not yet heard it’s death knell. This movie perfectly captures that time in American culture and of course one of the best parts pokes fun at the Magic Eye.

 

If you got a magic eye poster as a gift as a kid I feel sorry for you. I probably means your parents didn’t love you.

New to Netflix: The Norsemen

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Game of Thrones has ended but the NFL is still a little ways away, so what do you watch to fill in that blank space. No, not time with your stupid family, I’m talking about more television. The Norsemen come to the rescue. I’m a sucker for all things set long ago. I’ve seen a lot of the show sets in the Viking age. The Last Kingdom, and Vikings are both good shows, but Norsemen is great. It’s an absolutely hilarious satire of the aforementioned programs. It blends the humor of a show like the Office with a Viking narrative, and the result is really fantastic. The show is Norwegian so you probably won’t recognize many of the actors but let me tell you they are great. The slave Rufus played by Trond Fausa is probably my favorite character. He looks at the Vikings as uncultured savages, and is prone to mouthing off too his captors. Behavior which often lands him in literally shitty situations. The Norsemen is a really short time commitment, only six episodes in the first season, I knocked them all out in one three hour sitting. This is a strong recommend for A-Train.

 

Throwback Thursday: Angels in the Outfield vs Color of Night.

I didn’t discover my cusping manhood in the age of the modern internet. I, like many young boys of my generation would go to great lengths to see a woman’s bare breast for even a split second. One surefire way to see a titty was in one of those 1990’s sexy psychological thrillers that don’t exist anymore, because internet pornography was invented. Movies like Basic Instinct, Jade, Showgirls, Bound, Indecent Proposal were all just basically the worst porno movies in history. They are all about 99% story, 1% boner but the only reason anyone bought a ticket was for that 1%. It was a guilt free 1% too, you weren’t watching a porno, you were watching a “sexy thriller.” Well, that’s how the adults of the time would frame it, I wasn’t even a teenager yet, so it was all pretty naughty to me.

The year was 1994 and for a preteen of the times, the movies was a place you get away from everything and just do you. Summers were long and almost all my allowance  money was spent at the local AMC movie theaters. Between 1994-1997 I saw just about everything that came out in theaters that I possibly could, often finding myself without a viable option. I even saw movies I actively didn’t have any interest in. Movies such as Powder, Phenomenon, and Junior. Haven’t seen Junior? Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant and has a baby in it.  This particular summer I remember being not great for my movie watching. I was too young to get in to R rated movies, and the only way I could see one was with parental supervision. Supervision I was often granted for movies like Cliffhanger and other sex-less action movies. This particular summer day I had zeroed on Color of Night, the new “sexy” Bruce Willis movie that I heard had to be cut down to avoid an NC-17 rating. Back then hearing that a movie had to be cut to avoid an NC-17 was an absolute guarantee of nudity. Often these “sexy” thrillers were not sexy at all, or would feature almost no female nudity. When you were 12 there was no bigger disappointment of a boob denied. Color of Night looked like the real deal, but how to get in?

Enter Angels in the Outfield. Pretty much a kids movie that at age 12, I had decided, was much too old for me. The perfect plan as I saw it would be to buy a ticket for Angels in the Outfield, and make my way into Color of Night. At this point in my life I have done it all at the movies and never been caught. I’ve snuck in without any ticket at all. I’ve bought a ticket and stayed for 3 movies. I’ve bought the PG-13 ticket and gone to the R movie. I’m just doing it again. I made it though the doors and to my seat, I thought I was home free. False. Some snot-nosed usher comes up and asks to see my ticket. Busted.

You want to talk about a walk of shame? Cersei Lannister has got nothing on me. The walk all the way back up the aisle with the usher was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I was walking past a bunch of dudes all there for the same reason I was. We all just wanted something to put in the spank-bank. It was like that scene in the movie Big, where Josh Baskin wasn’t tall enough to ride the ride. I wasn’t old enough to get a boner from Color of Night.

So true to my tradition of watching movies that held zero interest, I watched Angels in the Outfield. Color of Night would have to wait for video. (Probably a good thing for obvious reasons.) I would eventually see Color of Night about 6 months later which brings me to the blog topic. What’s the better movie? The for kids baseball movie with Danny Glover or the movie where you see Bruce Willy’s willy for the first time?

Rotten tomatoes has Color of Night at 22% critics 30% audience. Angels in the Outfield is at 33% critics and 49% audience. I watched them both again for this piece. I’m here to tell you guys that both of these movies are abominations and crimes against filmmaking but Color of Night is actually insane. Angels is just a terrible idea.

The Premise of Angels in the Outfield is that actual angels help out the baseball team the California Angels because Joseph Gordon-Levitt prayed or something.

The Premise of Color of Night is that it doesn’t really have one. It want’s to be sexy and have a twist ending. Spoiler Alert the sex was underwhelming even for a 12 year old. The most graphic nudity was Bruce Willis’s dick head.

My friends and I do a “bad” movie night and normally a movie like Color of Night would be a perfect candidate, but in reality almost nothing “thrilling” happens. It’s all very predictable from a 2017 perspective.

A-Train final analysis: Don’t see either of these movies, If you want kids baseball watch Rookie of the year or Sandlot, if you want to see boobs visit the internet. A-Train out.

 

 

Old Coke Zero vs New Coke Zero : Blind Taste Test.

Out with the old, in with the new. Coke has scrapped Coke Zero for well….Coke Zero. Fun fact about A-Train, I’m a HUGE diet soda guy. If I get cancer it will be because I consumed daily enough Phenylalanine to kill laboratory mice. I’ve dabbled in Coke Zero but I’m a Diet Coke guy. I went through a big Cherry Coke Zero phase in the early 2010’s but I’m back to the Original. Still if the good folks over at Coke Decide that Coke Zero needs to be reformulated, you better believe I’m gonna put it to the taste test.  Screen Shot 2017-08-23 at 1.41.13 AM

My assistant poured while my back was turned and the taste test began. The first glass gave me a strong Coke taste almost no after taste, pretty good. I really wasn’t sure if that was the old or the new. The second glass had less Coke taste and more of an after taste. It was not as good as the first glass. My suspicion that the new formula was in the first glass was confirmed by my assistant. Overall the new Coke Zero (Pictured Left) Far out performed the Old Coke Zero in the A-Train taste test.

Now the question is will I buy this new Coke Zero over regular Diet Coke and the answer is only as a change of pace. Diet Coke will remain king. While I love that they replicated the Coke flavor in new Zero, it’s not the familiar taste that comes in the silver can. Kids coming up on diet soft drinks will love new Zero. If I had been weened on it the way I was with the classic Diet Coke, my views might be wildly different, but I’m a crusty old man now, and set in my Diet Coke ways.

A-Train Story Hour: Goldifox and the 3 Bears.

 

Little John Goldifox was lost in the forest. The young lad had been out riding when his surly horse, a bronco named Elway, threw the boy from his saddle, and rode off. The child cursed the horse. Rising, he dusted himself off and tried to regain his bearings. Where was he? The horse had galloped onto unfamiliar land and left him here to ponder. Goldifox climbed the nearest hill to look for familiar landmarks, but all he saw was a small tendril of smoke climbing out of the distant woods.

“It must be a cabin.” Goldifox thought as he felt his belly rumble. The Bronco had ridden off with the saddlebags and Goldifox’s beloved snacks. Combinations of salty and sweet packed by his loving mum before his afternoon gallivant. Lost and Hungry, Goldifox resolved to find the cabin, hoping for a kind stranger to perhaps feed him and point him in the right direction.

It was an hour later when Goldifox finally came upon the cabin. Stopping abruptly his gaze fixed on the domicile, Goldifox gave pause. This cabin he knew was home to Bears. He thought it odd a first to find a Bear cabin so far at the bottom of the NFC Forest. Goldifox took a few tentative steps forward, but then remembered that Bears are not as dangerous as they used to be. In the past Bears had been proud defensive creatures, monsters almost, and they stood for no encroachment into their territory. This was no more, modern Bears were inept creatures, in a state of waking hibernation. Relived Goldifox walked right into the cabin as if he owned it and began to poke around.

The first door he came upon had the number 8 on the door. It was the tallest door Goldifox had ever seen. A giraffe could walk through it. If fact Goldilocks worried he got it wrong. Maybe this was a giraffe house and not a Bears house? No, it has to be a Bears house but one of these Bears must have giraffe like features. Everything was up high. Goldifox couldn’t reach anything. The bed was long and skinny, too firm for Goldifox to take a nap. If the darts on the dartboard were any indication, this Bear wasn’t very accurate either.

Door number 2 had a number 6 painted on the outside and Goldifox trotted in. This room was a lot different from the giraffe-Bear’s room. There was strange writing all over the wall. Goldifox went in for a closer look. “I AM THE SANCHISE, I AM NOT THE BUTT FUMBLE” was written in repetition all over the walls. Goldifox reflected “This poor guy must be a shell of his former self. Washed up even for a Bear.” The bed was a normal size but covered in pubic hair and the only food he could find was a half eaten, stale churro. “This won’t do.” thought Goldifox and he resolved to investigate the third Bear’s room.

The last door bore the number 10. This room looks like maybe it was a new addition to the Bear family. Goldifox could smell a fresh coat of paint and thought this room the most promising yet. This Bear’s room looked like it had a lot more potential than the others but Goldifox wasn’t sure. This Bear had a tiny bed. Almost a crib. “Wait is this a Cubs room?” thought Goldifox. “The owner of this room might not even be ready to be a Bear.”

Just then the three Bears walked in carrying a bag of Portillo’s and to Goldifox’s surprise they were far more afraid of him then he was to them. They offered Goldifox the Portillo’s and the boy began to chow down. Goldifox learned that this particular breed of Bears was known as the Crappy White Quarterback breed. One of the most overpriced breeds of Bear ever to exist. Goldifox got along with the Bears, the meek breed even made him their king. In return, Goldifox tried to teach these Bears a game called Football. Try as they might the poor Bears were not very good at the game. So bad in fact Goldifox was worried that he might be tied to a stake and set on fire for his failures. It wasn’t Goldifox’s fault, of course, these Bears were not up to snuff. The baby Bear might have a chance, but if it were up to Goldifox he would have chosen a different Bear. I wish I could say everyone lives happily ever after but they don’t. Goldifox is probably gonna burn.

The End

A-Train, Out.

A-Train, All Aboard.

Welcome to A-Train sports. This is where I blog about whatever the fuck is on my mind. Most of the time what’s on my mind is sports. I’m a Chicago fan living in Seattle, so I get to watch the people around me enjoy football, whilst never having to experience that joy myself. I grew up in St. Louis, so I guess it could be worse, I could be a Rams fan. Well, if the Rams had any fans. I was given the nickname A-Train by my pledge brother and future World Series Hero, David Freese when we met way back at the University of Missouri.  Some of my blogs are serious, some are satire, and a few might be outright fake news, I hope you’re smart enough to differentiate. A-Train, Out.