Bulls v. Lakers: Inaugural Ultimate NBA Finals

We made it, rail riders. We fuckin’ made it. The entire season has been simulated, and we have a champion. Not only do we have a champion, but that champion is the one we deserve. Like I said in the Eastern Conference results blog…was there ever any goddamn doubt?!?!?

The Chicago Bulls are your PBM Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA kings! They swept the damn Lakers, baby. The Bulls went 16-4 in the playoffs. They fuckin’ dominated this shit, baby. The lone shocker? Allow me to introduce you to your Finals MVP:

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Jordan can’t win the award every single time, I guess. MVP-level Derrick Rose is getting his flowers in our simulated universe and it’s a beautiful sight. How lucky is the rest of the NBA, and especially LeBron James, that this guy couldn’t stay on the floor in his prime? Rose could’ve been a top 20 player of all time, people. Basketball fans were ROBBED of some amazing moments by his faulty legs. It brings me great joy to celebrate D Rose via this forum, and I’m stoked his best season shined through in this medium.

…and that’s the end of that, rail riders. Hope you enjoyed reading the content this concept yielded as much as I enjoyed creating it. I’m going to try and deliver more elaborate material such as this throughout the pandemic, and any feedback is truly welcome.

Until next time – wash your goddamn ass, passengers. Deuces.

Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: Eastern Conference Results

All aboard, rail riders! Your boy PBM is back to bring you the winners, losers, and key moments from the simulated ultimate NBA league’s Eastern Conference. Let’s jump right to it – here’s the completed bracket:

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Was there really any doubt, family? Despite a lackluster regular season (when compared to his Airness’ Bulls standards), Jordan and the Bulls smashed the competition in the playoffs. Barkley and Reggie took them to six, but no one else gave them any real trouble. The false king LeBron James lost in seven to the team he “owns” per his legion of Bronsexuals, and here’s the box score from that contest:

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The loss definitely doesn’t fall on Bron Bron’s shoulders as he put in a monstrous statistical performance. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Chris Bosh on his side this time. Bosh’s excellence has been vastly ignored in the annals of NBA history, but not in the PBM Ultimate league. All that said, the biggest subplot from this game was the foul discrepancy. Good God, man. Some AI being hates LeBron just as much as we do here at ATrain Sports!

The other first round happening of note was Russell Westbrook’s Hawks burying the Celtics. Peep Russ’ numbers in the third game of the series:

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Shaq and Russ single handily vanquished the Nash / Garnett Celtics. They also participated in the craziest series of the playoffs in the second round vs. Toronto. Two games ended on a buzzer beater, and not one game was decided by less than five points.

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Kawhi ties it with :05 seconds left, and Russ answers for the Hawks! One good turn deserves another, and here’s the end of the second buzzer beater of the series:

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Kevin Willis with the dagger! Unreal, man. The big man played significant years for each team in this series, and he sinks the squad from his youth with the logo of his veteran self’s organization on his jersey.

I wish I could place some emphasis on another series or game, but Jordan and Derrick Rose wouldn’t allow for it. Almost every game was a blood bath. I’ll be back with the Finals results shortly, loyal passengers. It’s the Bulls and the Lakers for all the glory!

Stay safe, wash your ass, and clean your heads. PBM has the back of all non-filthy fucks during this pandemic.