Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: Eastern Conference Results

All aboard, rail riders! Your boy PBM is back to bring you the winners, losers, and key moments from the simulated ultimate NBA league’s Eastern Conference. Let’s jump right to it – here’s the completed bracket:

eastbracket

Was there really any doubt, family? Despite a lackluster regular season (when compared to his Airness’ Bulls standards), Jordan and the Bulls smashed the competition in the playoffs. Barkley and Reggie took them to six, but no one else gave them any real trouble. The false king LeBron James lost in seven to the team he “owns” per his legion of Bronsexuals, and here’s the box score from that contest:

CAVSRAPSGM7

The loss definitely doesn’t fall on Bron Bron’s shoulders as he put in a monstrous statistical performance. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Chris Bosh on his side this time. Bosh’s excellence has been vastly ignored in the annals of NBA history, but not in the PBM Ultimate league. All that said, the biggest subplot from this game was the foul discrepancy. Good God, man. Some AI being hates LeBron just as much as we do here at ATrain Sports!

The other first round happening of note was Russell Westbrook’s Hawks burying the Celtics. Peep Russ’ numbers in the third game of the series:

russexplosion

Shaq and Russ single handily vanquished the Nash / Garnett Celtics. They also participated in the craziest series of the playoffs in the second round vs. Toronto. Two games ended on a buzzer beater, and not one game was decided by less than five points.

russgamewinnerrapshawks

Kawhi ties it with :05 seconds left, and Russ answers for the Hawks! One good turn deserves another, and here’s the end of the second buzzer beater of the series:

willisbuzzerrapshawks3

Kevin Willis with the dagger! Unreal, man. The big man played significant years for each team in this series, and he sinks the squad from his youth with the logo of his veteran self’s organization on his jersey.

I wish I could place some emphasis on another series or game, but Jordan and Derrick Rose wouldn’t allow for it. Almost every game was a blood bath. I’ll be back with the Finals results shortly, loyal passengers. It’s the Bulls and the Lakers for all the glory!

Stay safe, wash your ass, and clean your heads. PBM has the back of all non-filthy fucks during this pandemic.

Co-vid 19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: How The West Was Won

Happy Monday, rail riders! Mondays no longer have a feel in quarantine, right? No days have a feel anymore and it sucks. If it wasn’t for STL Sports Columnist Ben Hochman’s insistence to use non-stop Seinfeld material in 2020, I’d post Costanza’s understanding of days with feels. Can’t be a hypocrite, family. Let’s get into the real reason we are here and discuss how the western conference unfolded in my ultimate NBA simulation. ALL ABOARD!!!

Last week I unveiled the fantasy rosters of all 30 NBA teams and only hoped I could take it further. Immediately after posting, I remembered a site I used to be heavily involved with called whatifsports.com. This site allows for users to make dream teams in all the major sports – it’s nerd heaven. Twelve or thirteen years ago, ya boy PBM used to mop fools up in simulated NBA seasons. My squads won trophies, people. It was the perfect way to waste time in the corporate office setting. Alas, upon getting out of the corporate world and giving up my oxy addiction meant whatifsports.com leaving my life. Until this weekend…when it returned with a bang!

Whatifsports.com isn’t perfect. It’s not god-level AI. But it is the best free sports simulation available, and I wanted to take this concept further.

I didn’t simulate an entire season in the traditional NBA format – that would’ve taken me until 2025 to do. Instead, I had all the western conference teams play their division opponents six times (three at home, three on the road). Based on those results, I seeded the playoffs. The playoffs were executed in the traditional playoff format – best of seven games in the 2-2-1-1-1 rotation. Here’s who made the playoffs:

  1. Lakers (20-4)
  2. Sonics (19-5)
  3. Mavericks (18-6)
  4. Spurs (14-8)
  5. Kings (13-11)
  6. Pellies (13-11)
  7. Jazz (12-22)
  8. Blazers (11-13)

The Blazers went on the road to beat the Clippers in a play-in game for 8th slot. The box score is below (whatifsports.com brings the statistical thunder).

clips_blazers_final

I was deeply saddened by how limited this Clippers team ended up being. Steve Francis and Blake Griffin aren’t the best team basketball players and it showed. Pippen and McHale deserved better, and I’m sad about it. However, the biggest takeaway from this game is the Hakeem / McHale battle in the post. The two deadliest post players of all-time went back and forth and rarely missed. The advantage was Dream’s, as he crushed McHale on both sides of the boards.

The rest of the western conference played out in a way which illicited more sadness…I made the Lakers too fucking good. Also, the Sonics flamed out in the playoffs despite dominating their regular season schedule. Bad times all around for ya boy.

WESTBRACKET

I pulled a few noteworthy box scores along the way. Find them below.

spurskingfinal

Game four of the Spurs / Kings series. TMac did all he could to not flame out AGAIN in the first round of the playoffs. Alas, he was swept. Only TMac could get a Bill Russell team swept in the first round of the playoffs. George Gervin absolutely lit up the Kings’ wings this entire series.

spurs_lakersfinal

Game six of Lakers / Spurs. The Spurs blew a twenty point fourth quarter lead…ugh. This Lakers team might be the ultimate showcase of how under appreciated Jason Kidd, Pau Gasol, and Anthony Davis really are. I should’ve given them Nash, McAdoo, and Dwight Howard instead – sweet moves, PBM.

lakersmavsfinal

Game two of the western conference finals. Look at the FT shooting.

EVEN IN SIMULATIONS THE LAKERS GET ALL THE FUCKING CALLS!

This happened twice in the Spurs series and once more in the finals. The Lakers are going to win my fake league and/or lose to LeBron’s Cavs. Eastern results coming tomorrow. Stay safe, family. Please allow this throwback heat from G-Unit to play me out the door..it’s been in heavy rotation for ya boy this month.

Co-vid 19 presents “The Ultimate NBA Fantasy Draft”

Rail Riders! It’s been too long since I left you…without a dope blog or any content at all to truly step to! This changes now…and it changes in a HAAA-UGE way. Your boy PBM finally sat down and did something he’s wanted to do for years, and the Rona revealed the opportunity. I’ve made the largest cup of lemonade you’ve ever seen out of the quarantine lemons we’re all engulfing. So large that it would take Train three days to lose himself in glasses of it while pelting or losing his precious body armor via the wacky world of fallout.

I sense you’re skeptical. You don’t believe I’ve truly shifted the narrative, correct? Well…how about if I told you I drafted ten-men rosters for every team in the NBA using the traditional snake style and based the order on this year’s standings? How about if I told you I decided to make every single player who’s ever played the game available to be selected?

Here’s how I did it:

  • The draft order was created using this year’s standings. I manipulated the lottery in order to allow for certain star players to play for the team’s they became stars on.
  • Throughout the draft I prioritized placing individuals on teams whom they contributed for / excelled on / won titles with.
  • The all-time greats were placed with purpose…for the most part. That purpose was fueled by irony, intrigue, or historical significance.
  • Dumb teams remained dumb. I also have a bias against the Nets, so they purposefully made some silly decisions.
  • The Thunder moved back to Seattle.
  • Team’s identities / playing styles / management trends were always top of mind, and organizations which reward loyalty were given priority to land a player whom has ties to their franchise.

Without further adieu, here is what unfolded (you’ll see the number in which players were chosen next to their name on every roster). I’ll do some intensive roster breakdowns either later today or this weekend.

team1_6teams7_12teams13_18teams19_24teams25_30

Here’s some observations at first glance:

The favorites at first glance are the Bulls, Pistons, Blazers, Hornets, Warriors, Kings, and Clippers.

Just outside of the top teams are the Cavs, Spurs, TWolves, Wizards, Pacers, Sonics, Celtics, Raptors, and Lakers.

The weakest rosters belong to the Suns, Nets, Rockets, and Bucks.

As far as specific players landing on specific teams, here are my initial thoughts on what results are the dopest:

  • I think Magic leading a Pistons team (he’s from Michigan) built with members from each era of the Bad Boys’ championship runs is an insanely hilarious idea…and it might yield dominance.
  • I love the Blazers finally landing their elite big man in Hakeem with the fifth pick – pairing him with Dame, Roy, Sheed, and Big Game James gives Dream the chance to prove he’s the GOAT big man.
  • Reggie and Barkley teaming up in Naptown to beat Jordan is awesome – Barklye isn’t distracted by clubs, good food, and women. Not to mention Ben Simmons giving them each their desired number of looks.
  • Legendary Celtics’ winners Bill Russell and Dennis Johnson leading a Kings squad loaded with as much talent as they have playoff failures. I basically added TMac and Jokic (along with the aforementioned Celts) to the core Kings squad that was constantly robbed in the early 2000’s).
  • The Splash Bro’s and Igouyoshi teaming up with Brad Beal in DC. That three guard lineup could eat souls in any era.
  • Pippen and McHale finally stepping out of MJ and Bird’s shadows with the Clippers. That duo teaming up with some under appreciated all star guards (Deron & Franchise), arguably the most prolific Clipper ever (Blake Griffin), and their beloved threesome of Lou, Trezz, and PBev makes the Clipshow pretty damn vicious.
  • What guards / wings are scoring on Glove / Klaw in crunch time? The Raps are no joke.
  • The Hornets don’t trade Kobe, and he gets paired with Bill Walton and Luka. Yikes.
  • Durant gets to lead an amalgamation of his title winning Warriors squads (sans the fan favorites whom relocated to DC) and the beloved “we believe” team of ’06-’07. Can he handle Baron and Draymond yelling in his face every timeout? If he can, they’re as good as anyone.
  • The Knicks landed two dudes, one past (Kareem) and one present (Jimmy Butler), to pair with franchise icons Willis and Pearl. It probably isn’t enough.
  • Darryl Morey used analytics to pair Rick Barry’s efficiency with James Harden’s…and the Rockets get obliterated by 50+ night in and night out.
  • The two studs who conjure up as many throwback vibes as anyone currently in the league (Giannis & CP3) lead the return to Seattle for the Sonics. The modern Glove – Reign Man aren’t alone…Ben Wallace’s fro, Grant Hill’s versatility, and Devin Booker’s dick round out their nasty starting five.
  • The Bucks stink because their front office is dumb…they overextend on guys whom are past their prime / poor fits every year. Same goes for the Suns.
  • N’awlins is the biggest “what-if” unit. Moses and his modern equivalent (Zion) just could be too much for any squad to handle.
  • Despite all the observations above, the favorites in the clubhouse are the Bulls. The GOAT running alongside both D. Rose and Kemp in their primes is simply incomprehensible. It would probably always look like this…

or this…

and DEFINITELY THIS…

 

Bulls are -150 in fake Vegas, family.

Come back in the next day or so for a simulated season of results, awards, and fake observations. All feedback is desired, welcomed, and possibly dismissed.

Stay safe, rail riders.