PBM Claims the Trade Machine Throne.

Step aside, Willy Simmons. You’ve been forcefully removed from your self-appointed position as the supreme ruler of fake NBA trades. You’re not Picasso with this shit, Bill. You’re paint by numbers using your fingers and blending all the paints together so they inevitably turn brown. PBM is on his Andy Warhol tip today, rail riders. I went BUCK WU with the sickest NBA trade machine on the web. This website is vastly superior to ESPN’s offering – there’s no comparison, actually. You can include future draft picks, create potential for sign and trades, and allow for trade exceptions when they are acceptable. ESPN’s only matches the salaries up against the cap which limits the artistry of the user and allows for chumps like Lord Undershirt Simmons to think they’re killing this game. This blog will show you who the God is, family. I’ve got Conway the Machine walking to the ring with me like Jay Rock with the Bronze Bomber…play my intro slaps, son.

Now that I’ve hyped my styles up like a true boss, let’s get into why I’m writing this blog. The NBA offseason is far and away the most entertaining of any of the major sports and rivals what actually takes place on the court. This year is going to be extremely insane and we are most likely about to witness some power shifts unlike any we’ve ever seen before. I mean, do you all remember LAST offseason? The reigning NBA Finals MVP (Kawhi) switched teams, three (Brow, Durant, and Russ) perennial candidates for MVP/former MVP winners landed on different rosters, and a couple all NBA mainstays joined up with their peers to run as one (Paul George, Kyrie Irving, and Kemba Walker). Ironically enough, it was a man whom decided to run as an alpha dog for a well-balanced team who probably impacted the season’s final narrative and the future of the league the most. Jimmy Buckets, go ahead and get your flowers. He’s the NBA MVP pick of ATrain Sports, and if you don’t know why then your riding the wrong rails..

Why do I say Butler had the most impact when Brow teamed with the False Idol to win a ring? Because what Jimmy Buckets did in Miami is going to shape how this offseason plays out more than any other on-court happenings in 2020. Pat Riley is essentially in the driver’s seat of the NBA right now and he can set the tone for what next year’s title odds look like in a damn hurry. The Heat have three realistic options: trade for Giannis, trade for Brad Beal, or resign Dragic + other proven veterans and run it back with this year’s crew. Here is most realistic of the potential trades they can make for Giannis:

This deal includes Dragic resigning for 18MM/season for the next four years and securing a payday way above his expected value for the second half of the deal. The way the Heat can so seamlessly absorb Eric Bledsoe’s contract is another reason why I have them in the top slot of the offseason power rankings (assets and Pat Riley round out their big three advantages). Here’s the deal they can put together for Beal:

Which one is the better trade for the Heat? I kind of like the second one, family. Those first round picks are 25th overall at best, Tyler Herro’s value is never going to match what it is right now (spoiler alert – he’s not as good as you think he is), and it leaves them room to extend Duncan Robinson, go get someone like Montrezl Harrell, Davis Bertans, or Joe Harris, and bring the Dragon back. You all might think I’m crazy, but I’m not a Giannis believer. As ATrain always says, “I’m anti-tekumpo.” I wouldn’t mortgage the future for a big man who can’t shoot and has a shitty playoff track record. But hey, that’s just me.

If Giannis does get traded elsewhere, it will most likely be the Warriors or the Mavericks. They have the financial flexibility and assets for it to make sense. Let’s start with Golden State:

That’s the one that would have to happen, y’all. A MASSIVE FUCKING TRADE it would be, right? It’s the only one that makes sense for Milwaukee. If it’s not this epic, then Golden State isn’t getting the man whom all their fanboys have not-so-quietly been drooling over since the moment Steph went down last year. It’s worth posting the Dubs potential offer for Beal – it’s also way more likely logistically and possibly even more desirable for the Wizards than what Miami can offer:

After looking at the Heat/Beal deal and the Dubs/Beal again…man. I’m betting some money on Bradley Beal putting on a Warriors jersey in 2021. And I also would LOVE to watch that team boat race the league. Last suitor for Giannis / Beal is the Dallas Mavericks – here are there likely offers for each man:

I’m not doing that if I’m Milwaukee. But it’s worth considering.

Probably the third best offer too, right? But what else could Dallas do to provide Luka with the man he needs to truly compete? I wonder if another team in Texas is willing to talk to Cuban…the one who just shitcanned their coach and GM and seem to be headed for a process-like reboot…a team PBM once loved and wants to love again…

HOLY SHIT THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. CUBAN – MAKE THE CALL!!! THEY’LL TAKE IT, BROTHER. Calm down, PBM. Calm down. You’ve been waiting to hypothetically rebuild the Rockets for over five hundred days and it’s ok to do it slowly. It’s probably going to happen now, dude. Harden is on the trade table…this isn’t your imagination. But where else could he land? Hmmm….

Who says no to that? Not the Rockets, that’s for sure. How about if the other NYC franchise gets involved?

Before you laugh these off the screen, please remember that the ROCKETS ARE TRYING TO CLEAN HOUSE. The NYK trade isn’t as appealing, but it provides youth, expiring deals, and draft picks to a team which desperately covets all three of those things. Here’s one last Harden deal (just to the train):

I think ATrain might actually be on board with that offer. Too bad it would never be enough for Houston.

PBM – if the Rockets are rebuilding, what about trades for Russ? Glad you asked! Let’s send Russ to the Knicks where he belongs, shall we?

That’s the one I find more realistic between these two teams. Russ in MSG…god damn. Please make it a reality, Dolan. I’m literally begging you. Unfortunately, here’s the frontrunner move that is on-brand for the Knicks:

Trading the future for an overpaid player who is a poor fit for today’s league has the Knicks written all over it. Sorry, Bockers fans. Be prepared.

I’m going to pivot back to the Nets because the rumor mill is circulating with noise of Paul George joining Durant and Kyrie. Is it possible, though? Damn right it is!

I don’t make this move if I’m Brooklyn, but this won’t stop them. They could also swing this megadeal if they’re feeling frisky:

The first one is far and away the most mutually beneficial, but both are in play. PBM has a message for Kyrie – start talking about this, buddy. Make it happen. PG definitely will cosign flat earther ish and definitely won’t take shots from KD (wink, wink). Plus – fuck them kids, right? It’s about you and not the team’s future!!

Time to pivot back to the Bucks and discuss a trade which would improve Giannis’ long-term future in Milwaukee. Here’s what it would like for CP3 to go up north:

I don’t really like that one. How can we improve it? Did you all hear Gallo is looking to take a smaller contract to play for a title contender? He most certainly has said as much! Let’s use the sign and trade function, baby!

Gallo’s contract matches up with the one Redick signed in New Orleans last year and this trade allows for Milwaukee to go up to about 15MM/year. I want Giannis to stay and this deal to go down…that’s perhaps what I want more than any other fake trade (aside from the Russ to the Knicks banger).

One more Rockets trade before I move on from that sinking ship in HTown – this would be absolutely hilarious if it went down:

Simmons and Russ make the most ludicrous backcourt pairing of all-time…it is nearly unimaginable to think of those dudes running an “offense” in today’s league. Harden and Embiid would be hands down the most unlikable duo in the history of professional sports. And you know what? I think both teams would consider it.

Let’s summarize the above and map out a likely, enjoyable scenario shall we? We want Giannis to stay and the Bucks to make the deal for CP3 and Gallo. Milwaukee deserves a nice thing for a little longer, people. This would make the Warriors focus on Beal and thus create the most entertaining offense in the modern NBA with a Steph, Klay, and Brad Beal three-guard lineup. The Mavs could call and inquire about Harden or wait until next year’s FA class to make a move, and I expect they’ll do the latter. The Nets are going to try and trade for PG – the Clips should jump on their offers and insist on getting LaVert and Allen in the deal. The Knicks should DEFINITELY try and get Russ to the Garden, but they’ll probably end up with DeRozan and Mike Conley instead. Which leaves us with the Heat…the team I started this blog about. How do they still maintain alpha status in the league when all the major talent lands elsewhere? Because only the Heat can seriously consider and definitely afford a player whom no other team would dare risk trading the necessary assets to acquire…peep game, yo:

Embiid wants to play with Buckets again more than I want anything in the world…just look at his Twitter feed. This deal reunites the two while giving the Sixers a legit haul in return. The Dragic sign and trade is expensive, but Philly loves paying out dudes who are past their prime. Riley gets to bring Richardson home (never fit in Philly – decent replacement for Herro) and finish his masterful career by putting Embiid along side guys which can maximize his potential as an all-around player. The Heat would replace Dragic with DJ Augustin or someone similar via free agency and hope Kendrick Nunn returns to his pre-bubble form. Philly would go nuts for a player like Herro and the sentimental side of me would love to see Iggy retire where he started.

Final results of PBM’s masterful manipulation of the NBA offseason:

  • Bucks keep Giannis and acquire CP3 + Gallo
  • Heat trade Herro + Iggy + picks for Embiid and Josh Richardson
  • Warriors acquire Beal for Wiggins + picks
  • Nets acquire PG for LaVert, Allen, and a combo of Dinwiddie, Prince, or others
  • Rockets trade Russ to the Knicks for expiring contracts and picks….
  • ….nevermind. Knicks acquire DeRozan for Barrett, Julius Randle, and their fan’s collective souls.

Stand clear of the closing doors, family. We’ve arrived at your final destination. PBM…out.

PBM’s Current NBA Love’s & Hate’s: Unbridled Passion Unleashed

The NBA stretch run express train has entered the station, rail riders! Hop aboard and stand clear of the closing doors. Don’t be frightened by the realization that today’s journey will be inspired by none other than ESPN’s Zach “Don’t Call Me an End Theory” Lowe. Despite our deep seeded hatred for ESPN’s coverage of literally everything, the Zach Attack’s format works perfectly for PBM to unveil all the elements of his consistently tumultuous relationship with the national basketball association. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know if I love what I love more than I love what I hate…it’s weird spot to be in for a budding mental health professional such as myself. But ya know what? Weird is good. Weird is new. And weird is gonna yield a breakdown of my current top ten love’s and hate’s in the polarizing stratosphere of the NBA.

Chip Tha Rip and Bun B – get this fuckin’ party started!

  1. I love Zion Williamson in every way you can. However, what I love the most how he walks during every moment outside of live game play. It’s a hybrid of  “March of the Penguins” + “Go to your room, young man!’ Take it away, Chuck!

In addition to the humor residing beside his inexplicable gait, Zion has failed to disappoint in almost every quantifiable way. Peep the young king in action:

2. More Zion! Because using Zion to gaslight LeBron STAN’s from now until eternity is going to be just delightful! Zion has started his career better than Bron, did you know that? Using #numbers and #facts, Zion is officially a better hooper than the Kid From Akron until further notice. Here’s the evidence (which I can guarantee isn’t fake news):

2020-03-05
Stats courtesy of modern media’s absurdity.

3. I am enamored with Bradley Beal’s electrifying, unrelenting, and inexplicable hot streak that is driving his team towards possibly being the 8th seed in the East. I’ve always loved Beal because he’s an STL guy that plays an effortless style of basketball in the mold of TMac, Manu, and other elite scorers of year’s past. I’m now fully infatuated with him due to his insane competiveness and next-level elevation of each facet of his game. Peep his 2020 game log, please:

beal

The man is a human torch right now. He’s rising his level and competing via peak performance in an era where most dudes would get elective surgery in lieu of playing alongside Beal’s supporting cast. His second best player can literally only shoot 3’s, and his third best player is a rookie from Gonzaga who is constantly overmatched at this natural position. Here’s the current Wizards squad in all their mediocrity infused glory:BEAL2

Beal’s officially a made man around these parts. Any aggression upon him will be met with equal or more extreme measures from the caboose.

4. Keeping it in STL – I love that Jayson Tatum is making a push for a spot in the top ten players in the league. Tatum has gotten his flowers incessantly via mainstream media, but I couldn’t leave him off the debut love’s.

5. I’m romantically invested in the Clippers savvy deadline moves, continued improvement, and constant one-upping of the Lakers. I’m way more enthralled by the Clips bringing in Reggie Jackson than them trading for Marcus Morris, but the facts are that these two additions have enabled them to run TEN DEEP via two solidified five-man units.

They’re starting PG, PBev, Kawhi, Zubac, and Marcus Morris

The second unit is Trezz, LouWill, Reggie Jackson, Landry Shamet, and Jamychal Green.

The crunch time five includes Kawhi and PG +  any 3-man combination of Trezz, LouWill, PBev, Reggie, and Marcus.

Versatility in spades, children. You know who doesn’t have anything close to this roster? The Lakers. You know who plays on Sunday? The Clips v. The Lakers. You know who’s gonna remain undefeated again LeBron’s merry band of buttheads? The Clippers.

Closing out my loves…

6. I love Golden State taking a chance on Andrew Wiggins while also being in position to add Obi Toppin via the lottery. I love even more how Steph is going to run with their young, role player laden roster to determine who fits and who doesn’t for next year’s unit. A starting five of Steph, Klay, Wiggins, Donkey, and Toppin has to be the favorite in Vegas, right? I’m salivating over this team being another squad equipped to dominate Akron’s only son.

7. I love Nick Nurse and the entire Toronto Raptors organization. Ujiri might be a top five executive of all-time, folks. The Kawhi trade + the Nurse hire + drafting Spicy P, VanVleet, Anouby, and Boucher makes one insanely scorching executive hot streak. Celtics v. Raptors in the second round is gonna be a dog fight – Tatum lining up against Siakam to determine best wing in the east has me drooling.

8. I love Charles Barkley’s hatred of the Rockets…”team full of munchkins.”

9. I love the battle for the 8th seed in the West. The Grizzlies, Pelicans, and Kings all have incredible young cores that are jockeying for invaluable post-season experience. Hopefully Jaren Jackson and Brandon Clarke (Grizz) and Richaun Holmes and Marvin Bagley (Kings) get healthy for the stretch run. I didn’t forget Portland – the Blazers don’t have a shot in hell to make the playoffs, and we’ll get into that shortly.

10. I love Giannis and the Lopez Twins setting the tone the Bucks via WWE inspired pre-game antics.

Shit like this makes me think they aren’t as fatally flawed as they might be.

Here’s where it gets fun, mafuckas! Preemo, Nore, and Blaq Poet – set it off!!

  1. I loathe everything about James Harden as a person, as a player, and as a microcosm of our nation’s general insanity. This deserves it’s own blog, kids. It really, really does. In lieu of that happening right now, just watch this compilation of the self-proclaimed MVP doing non-MVP things:

2. I despise Doris Burke’s steadfast commitment to contradicting herself, fellating LeBron, and never delivering anything insightful via her horrfiic commentary. HEY DORIS! SHUT THE FUCK UP, K?!? LEBRON ISN’T IN THE DISUCSSION FOR MVP WITH GIANNIS. THIS IS NOT A NARRATIVE WORTH EXPLORING. IT’S NOT A DOOR TO BE LEFT OPEN. YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHY? HERE’S GIANNIS’ SEASON COMPARED TO LEBRON’S (keep in mind the Bucks thrashed the Lakers H2H and are 53-9 next to LA’s 47-13).

giannis_bron

Doesn’t take a math major to determine who’s having the better statistical season, right? Here’s the kicker though, Doris. Bron might not be the most valuable Laker! His “best teammate” is the third best player when using advanced stats in NBA history! Let’s look at Brow v. Khris Middleton for good measure, Doris:

brow_middleton

You know what grinds my gears, fellow travelers? You see the stats WS & WS/48? That means “win shares” and “win shares per 48 minutes.” It’s essentially how much an individual has contributed to his team winning games this season. That sounds like a way to determine a player’s “value” on their respective team, right? It appears as if the Unibrow is rocking around at 9.9 WS and .264 WS/48…wait, what? That’s more than LeBron’s 8.8 WS and .212 WS/48?!?!? RIDDLE ME THIS, DORIS! HOW THE FUCK IS HE THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE WHEN HIS TEAMMATE IS WINNING MORE GAMES FOR THE LAKERS THAN HE IS??!??!? God damn it, I hate her.

(BTW – Giannis is leading the league with 10.3 WS and .287 WS/48)

3. I hate Trae Young’s drowned rat face, but I hate his ridiculous hype machine even more. I guess it’s a hot take to think Trae Young is vastly overrated. If it is, consider me Scalding Smails. I’m going even further with this – Trae Young will NEVER make the playoffs as a team’s best player. You know how I know this? Because he’s never been a winner before…at any level. He’s 38-97 in his two NBA seasons. He lost to a garbage Rhode Island team in the first round of the NCAA tourney at Oklahoma. He never won a state title in high school, people! This clip sums up everything about Trae Young in a swift two minutes:

4. I hate that Dame Lillard is going to miss the playoffs because the Blazers acquired + empowered Carmelo Anthony.

Admittedly, he’s been better as Blazer than a Rocket. But that’s like saying gonorrhea is better than herpes. Here’s his shooting numbers at a glance:

melo

What I want you to take away is that he’s averaging the third most attempts on the team despite ranking 15 out of 18 in shooting percentages / efficiency. He’s also preventing young players like Simons, Little, and Trent from truly developing. I hate Carmelo, and I hope Dame does too.

5. I’m angry and hateful that injuries have not allowed to see the Pacers play to their potential. Oladipo missed half the year and has looked beyond rusty upon returning. Brogdon has been banged up all season. Lamb is done for the year. Turner can’t consitently stay on the court. Their one constant force, Damontas Sabonis, is having his breakout year drift into the NBA ether due to his team’s pseudo irrelevance. And that’s a damn shame.

That’s enough hate…here are my honorable mention love’s to end this obscenely long blog on a positive note.

  • Chris Paul’s remarkable season in OKC – CP was an All Star and is doing his thing via true excellence as a leader.
  •  Ja Morant trying to collect All Star bodies any chance he can – he’s gonna dunk on an All NBA guy soon. My bet is Gobert.
  • Bam Adebayo’s emergence as a legitimate stud.
  • Refering to Kyrie Irving as “the butterfly catcher” with ATrain. Never gets old.

PBM has left the building. Tip your servers, family.

Kevin Durant is a Dunce.

Jimmy Butler is a straight up boss. Peep this.

Butler lists his top five hardest defensive assignments as LeBron, Kyrie, Durant, Steph, and Harden. He provides legitimate reasons as to why they challenged him, swallows his pride multiple times, and once again showcases that his attitude towards the game is rooted in the old school ways. This article and his impact on the Heat this season have forced me to reevaluate Butler – I now view him as a top ten guy in today’s league. Butler’s presence on the floor matched has matched the power of his written, and his stock is rising. You know who never, ever helps himself via the written word or any words for that matter? Kevin Durant. You know who else chimed in with a his top five toughest dudes to defend list? Fuckin’ Kevin Durant. This is his list.

In the wake of his nonsense with Kendrick Perkins, you’d think KD would take a breather from expressing his views on things to the public. His insecurity over Twitter gave Perkins enough room to arguably win their exchange, and it became yet another addition to his growing list of media fails. KD’s verbal warfare is the polar opposite of his offensive game on the NBA floor. Instead of countless defenders, it is ALWAYS Durant whom looks foolish. Examples? How about the burner Twitter accounts, his beef with Draymond, his text feud with Chris “Bum Ass” Broussard, as well several other spats that I don’t care to mention? That all said, it gives to context to his terrible list. Even more context can be ascertained when examining the backlash from his infamous move to Golden State after the 2015-2016 NBA season. With all the above in mind, I can firmly see what Durant’s agenda was in listing these five dudes:

  1. LeBron James
  2. Kawhi Leonard
  3. Paul George
  4. Joel Embiid
  5. Lou Williams

LeBron is obvious and necessary. He is a top five player of all time, and he’s been Durant’s chief competition for the true MVP every season of his career. Kawhi is also obvious and necessary – they clashed in the western conference for the majority of each’s career, and they never backed down from each other. Here’s where it gets tricky…why the hell did KD include PG and Lou over his current and former teammates such as Steph, Kyrie, and Harden? You might say, “well, he probably never guarded Steph or Kyrie one-on-one for long stretches of time.” However, if that’s the reason why, it doesn’t add up. Lou Williams is the same type of cover (with lesser handling and shooting than both Steph and Kyrie), and that would mean he too wasn’t Durant’s defensive responsibility for large chunks of time. Combining that thinking with Durant’s inclusion of Paul George over James Harden and his EXTENSIVE history of insecure behavior allows me to really connect some dots. Ready?

  1. Anybody remember any epic Durant / PG duels? Bueller?  Let us look at their H2H stats to refresh our memories, shall we? durantPGUm, Kevin? He shoots 38% against you. You’re either hyping your own defense too much or you’re overstating PG’s offensive talents. I think it’s the latter, because it makes your mortal enemy (Russell Westbrook) look bad, and it also makes Kawhi’s move to the Clippers look slightly similar to your own highly scrutinized move to the Warriors. The intent to devalue Kawhi and/or justify his own career choices is not hard to see, as it also aligns with him including Lou Williams over the likes of Curry and Irving. Either way you slice it, including Paul George on this list is a joke. The numbers (and sane brains) suggest it should be James Harden in George’s place: durantharden
  2.  Lou Williams’ inclusion on his top five is even more comical, and when you see the numbers it becomes downright hysterical.loudurant Here’s KD v. Kyrie:kyriedurantAnd finally, here’s KD v. Steph:stephdurantKevin – YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS. Either this man doesn’t remember A SINGLE FUCKING THING from the games he plays, or he’s pushing an agenda that is patently absurd. No matter its catalyst, I find this level of ignorance offensive from an all-time great hooper.
  3.  We need to discuss Embiid’s placement in this grouping. We’ve established why he most likely isn’t doling out props to his teammates (both past and present). We’ve also established this list as a potential way to celebrate his own defensive chops, correct? With that in mind, he had to include a big man. But why Joel over Giannis? Numbers time!durantembiidWow, man. Just wow. Joel’s .373 FG% in their three regular season matchups made his list. Kevin Durant is fucking tone deaf. Let’s see Giannis’ stats:durantgiannisAs expected, Giannis has performed at a better clip against KD than Embiid. KD included Embiid because Giannis is the reigning MVP and KD isn’t happy about that. Or maybe he does have the worst memory on Earth. Regardless, I bet when they see each other again Giannis brings the ruckus to Durant’s dome.
  4. Despite all of the above, Durant’s biggest error was leaving a legend off his list. Let’s peep Durant’s H2H with one of the best offensive player of all time, Dirk Nowitzki (14 playoff games against one another):durantdirkOf all the guys we’ve discussed, Dirk deserves his place on KD’s list the most. Why didn’t he get it? Because Durant is tone deaf, guys. His actions, his words, and the numbers add up to equal an absurdly confused, insecure dude. His attempts to script his own narrative, unlike LeBron, have backfired. His ways have made this meme a large chunk of his legacy:

durantbitch

Damn, Kevin. It’s a shame how far we done fell.