PBM Claims the Trade Machine Throne.

Step aside, Willy Simmons. You’ve been forcefully removed from your self-appointed position as the supreme ruler of fake NBA trades. You’re not Picasso with this shit, Bill. You’re paint by numbers using your fingers and blending all the paints together so they inevitably turn brown. PBM is on his Andy Warhol tip today, rail riders. I went BUCK WU with the sickest NBA trade machine on the web. This website is vastly superior to ESPN’s offering – there’s no comparison, actually. You can include future draft picks, create potential for sign and trades, and allow for trade exceptions when they are acceptable. ESPN’s only matches the salaries up against the cap which limits the artistry of the user and allows for chumps like Lord Undershirt Simmons to think they’re killing this game. This blog will show you who the God is, family. I’ve got Conway the Machine walking to the ring with me like Jay Rock with the Bronze Bomber…play my intro slaps, son.

Now that I’ve hyped my styles up like a true boss, let’s get into why I’m writing this blog. The NBA offseason is far and away the most entertaining of any of the major sports and rivals what actually takes place on the court. This year is going to be extremely insane and we are most likely about to witness some power shifts unlike any we’ve ever seen before. I mean, do you all remember LAST offseason? The reigning NBA Finals MVP (Kawhi) switched teams, three (Brow, Durant, and Russ) perennial candidates for MVP/former MVP winners landed on different rosters, and a couple all NBA mainstays joined up with their peers to run as one (Paul George, Kyrie Irving, and Kemba Walker). Ironically enough, it was a man whom decided to run as an alpha dog for a well-balanced team who probably impacted the season’s final narrative and the future of the league the most. Jimmy Buckets, go ahead and get your flowers. He’s the NBA MVP pick of ATrain Sports, and if you don’t know why then your riding the wrong rails..

Why do I say Butler had the most impact when Brow teamed with the False Idol to win a ring? Because what Jimmy Buckets did in Miami is going to shape how this offseason plays out more than any other on-court happenings in 2020. Pat Riley is essentially in the driver’s seat of the NBA right now and he can set the tone for what next year’s title odds look like in a damn hurry. The Heat have three realistic options: trade for Giannis, trade for Brad Beal, or resign Dragic + other proven veterans and run it back with this year’s crew. Here is most realistic of the potential trades they can make for Giannis:

This deal includes Dragic resigning for 18MM/season for the next four years and securing a payday way above his expected value for the second half of the deal. The way the Heat can so seamlessly absorb Eric Bledsoe’s contract is another reason why I have them in the top slot of the offseason power rankings (assets and Pat Riley round out their big three advantages). Here’s the deal they can put together for Beal:

Which one is the better trade for the Heat? I kind of like the second one, family. Those first round picks are 25th overall at best, Tyler Herro’s value is never going to match what it is right now (spoiler alert – he’s not as good as you think he is), and it leaves them room to extend Duncan Robinson, go get someone like Montrezl Harrell, Davis Bertans, or Joe Harris, and bring the Dragon back. You all might think I’m crazy, but I’m not a Giannis believer. As ATrain always says, “I’m anti-tekumpo.” I wouldn’t mortgage the future for a big man who can’t shoot and has a shitty playoff track record. But hey, that’s just me.

If Giannis does get traded elsewhere, it will most likely be the Warriors or the Mavericks. They have the financial flexibility and assets for it to make sense. Let’s start with Golden State:

That’s the one that would have to happen, y’all. A MASSIVE FUCKING TRADE it would be, right? It’s the only one that makes sense for Milwaukee. If it’s not this epic, then Golden State isn’t getting the man whom all their fanboys have not-so-quietly been drooling over since the moment Steph went down last year. It’s worth posting the Dubs potential offer for Beal – it’s also way more likely logistically and possibly even more desirable for the Wizards than what Miami can offer:

After looking at the Heat/Beal deal and the Dubs/Beal again…man. I’m betting some money on Bradley Beal putting on a Warriors jersey in 2021. And I also would LOVE to watch that team boat race the league. Last suitor for Giannis / Beal is the Dallas Mavericks – here are there likely offers for each man:

I’m not doing that if I’m Milwaukee. But it’s worth considering.

Probably the third best offer too, right? But what else could Dallas do to provide Luka with the man he needs to truly compete? I wonder if another team in Texas is willing to talk to Cuban…the one who just shitcanned their coach and GM and seem to be headed for a process-like reboot…a team PBM once loved and wants to love again…

HOLY SHIT THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. CUBAN – MAKE THE CALL!!! THEY’LL TAKE IT, BROTHER. Calm down, PBM. Calm down. You’ve been waiting to hypothetically rebuild the Rockets for over five hundred days and it’s ok to do it slowly. It’s probably going to happen now, dude. Harden is on the trade table…this isn’t your imagination. But where else could he land? Hmmm….

Who says no to that? Not the Rockets, that’s for sure. How about if the other NYC franchise gets involved?

Before you laugh these off the screen, please remember that the ROCKETS ARE TRYING TO CLEAN HOUSE. The NYK trade isn’t as appealing, but it provides youth, expiring deals, and draft picks to a team which desperately covets all three of those things. Here’s one last Harden deal (just to the train):

I think ATrain might actually be on board with that offer. Too bad it would never be enough for Houston.

PBM – if the Rockets are rebuilding, what about trades for Russ? Glad you asked! Let’s send Russ to the Knicks where he belongs, shall we?

That’s the one I find more realistic between these two teams. Russ in MSG…god damn. Please make it a reality, Dolan. I’m literally begging you. Unfortunately, here’s the frontrunner move that is on-brand for the Knicks:

Trading the future for an overpaid player who is a poor fit for today’s league has the Knicks written all over it. Sorry, Bockers fans. Be prepared.

I’m going to pivot back to the Nets because the rumor mill is circulating with noise of Paul George joining Durant and Kyrie. Is it possible, though? Damn right it is!

I don’t make this move if I’m Brooklyn, but this won’t stop them. They could also swing this megadeal if they’re feeling frisky:

The first one is far and away the most mutually beneficial, but both are in play. PBM has a message for Kyrie – start talking about this, buddy. Make it happen. PG definitely will cosign flat earther ish and definitely won’t take shots from KD (wink, wink). Plus – fuck them kids, right? It’s about you and not the team’s future!!

Time to pivot back to the Bucks and discuss a trade which would improve Giannis’ long-term future in Milwaukee. Here’s what it would like for CP3 to go up north:

I don’t really like that one. How can we improve it? Did you all hear Gallo is looking to take a smaller contract to play for a title contender? He most certainly has said as much! Let’s use the sign and trade function, baby!

Gallo’s contract matches up with the one Redick signed in New Orleans last year and this trade allows for Milwaukee to go up to about 15MM/year. I want Giannis to stay and this deal to go down…that’s perhaps what I want more than any other fake trade (aside from the Russ to the Knicks banger).

One more Rockets trade before I move on from that sinking ship in HTown – this would be absolutely hilarious if it went down:

Simmons and Russ make the most ludicrous backcourt pairing of all-time…it is nearly unimaginable to think of those dudes running an “offense” in today’s league. Harden and Embiid would be hands down the most unlikable duo in the history of professional sports. And you know what? I think both teams would consider it.

Let’s summarize the above and map out a likely, enjoyable scenario shall we? We want Giannis to stay and the Bucks to make the deal for CP3 and Gallo. Milwaukee deserves a nice thing for a little longer, people. This would make the Warriors focus on Beal and thus create the most entertaining offense in the modern NBA with a Steph, Klay, and Brad Beal three-guard lineup. The Mavs could call and inquire about Harden or wait until next year’s FA class to make a move, and I expect they’ll do the latter. The Nets are going to try and trade for PG – the Clips should jump on their offers and insist on getting LaVert and Allen in the deal. The Knicks should DEFINITELY try and get Russ to the Garden, but they’ll probably end up with DeRozan and Mike Conley instead. Which leaves us with the Heat…the team I started this blog about. How do they still maintain alpha status in the league when all the major talent lands elsewhere? Because only the Heat can seriously consider and definitely afford a player whom no other team would dare risk trading the necessary assets to acquire…peep game, yo:

Embiid wants to play with Buckets again more than I want anything in the world…just look at his Twitter feed. This deal reunites the two while giving the Sixers a legit haul in return. The Dragic sign and trade is expensive, but Philly loves paying out dudes who are past their prime. Riley gets to bring Richardson home (never fit in Philly – decent replacement for Herro) and finish his masterful career by putting Embiid along side guys which can maximize his potential as an all-around player. The Heat would replace Dragic with DJ Augustin or someone similar via free agency and hope Kendrick Nunn returns to his pre-bubble form. Philly would go nuts for a player like Herro and the sentimental side of me would love to see Iggy retire where he started.

Final results of PBM’s masterful manipulation of the NBA offseason:

  • Bucks keep Giannis and acquire CP3 + Gallo
  • Heat trade Herro + Iggy + picks for Embiid and Josh Richardson
  • Warriors acquire Beal for Wiggins + picks
  • Nets acquire PG for LaVert, Allen, and a combo of Dinwiddie, Prince, or others
  • Rockets trade Russ to the Knicks for expiring contracts and picks….
  • ….nevermind. Knicks acquire DeRozan for Barrett, Julius Randle, and their fan’s collective souls.

Stand clear of the closing doors, family. We’ve arrived at your final destination. PBM…out.

Bulls v. Lakers: Inaugural Ultimate NBA Finals

We made it, rail riders. We fuckin’ made it. The entire season has been simulated, and we have a champion. Not only do we have a champion, but that champion is the one we deserve. Like I said in the Eastern Conference results blog…was there ever any goddamn doubt?!?!?

The Chicago Bulls are your PBM Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA kings! They swept the damn Lakers, baby. The Bulls went 16-4 in the playoffs. They fuckin’ dominated this shit, baby. The lone shocker? Allow me to introduce you to your Finals MVP:

ROSEFINALSMVOP

Jordan can’t win the award every single time, I guess. MVP-level Derrick Rose is getting his flowers in our simulated universe and it’s a beautiful sight. How lucky is the rest of the NBA, and especially LeBron James, that this guy couldn’t stay on the floor in his prime? Rose could’ve been a top 20 player of all time, people. Basketball fans were ROBBED of some amazing moments by his faulty legs. It brings me great joy to celebrate D Rose via this forum, and I’m stoked his best season shined through in this medium.

…and that’s the end of that, rail riders. Hope you enjoyed reading the content this concept yielded as much as I enjoyed creating it. I’m going to try and deliver more elaborate material such as this throughout the pandemic, and any feedback is truly welcome.

Until next time – wash your goddamn ass, passengers. Deuces.

Covid-19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: Eastern Conference Results

All aboard, rail riders! Your boy PBM is back to bring you the winners, losers, and key moments from the simulated ultimate NBA league’s Eastern Conference. Let’s jump right to it – here’s the completed bracket:

eastbracket

Was there really any doubt, family? Despite a lackluster regular season (when compared to his Airness’ Bulls standards), Jordan and the Bulls smashed the competition in the playoffs. Barkley and Reggie took them to six, but no one else gave them any real trouble. The false king LeBron James lost in seven to the team he “owns” per his legion of Bronsexuals, and here’s the box score from that contest:

CAVSRAPSGM7

The loss definitely doesn’t fall on Bron Bron’s shoulders as he put in a monstrous statistical performance. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Chris Bosh on his side this time. Bosh’s excellence has been vastly ignored in the annals of NBA history, but not in the PBM Ultimate league. All that said, the biggest subplot from this game was the foul discrepancy. Good God, man. Some AI being hates LeBron just as much as we do here at ATrain Sports!

The other first round happening of note was Russell Westbrook’s Hawks burying the Celtics. Peep Russ’ numbers in the third game of the series:

russexplosion

Shaq and Russ single handily vanquished the Nash / Garnett Celtics. They also participated in the craziest series of the playoffs in the second round vs. Toronto. Two games ended on a buzzer beater, and not one game was decided by less than five points.

russgamewinnerrapshawks

Kawhi ties it with :05 seconds left, and Russ answers for the Hawks! One good turn deserves another, and here’s the end of the second buzzer beater of the series:

willisbuzzerrapshawks3

Kevin Willis with the dagger! Unreal, man. The big man played significant years for each team in this series, and he sinks the squad from his youth with the logo of his veteran self’s organization on his jersey.

I wish I could place some emphasis on another series or game, but Jordan and Derrick Rose wouldn’t allow for it. Almost every game was a blood bath. I’ll be back with the Finals results shortly, loyal passengers. It’s the Bulls and the Lakers for all the glory!

Stay safe, wash your ass, and clean your heads. PBM has the back of all non-filthy fucks during this pandemic.

Co-vid 19 Ultimate Fantasy NBA: How The West Was Won

Happy Monday, rail riders! Mondays no longer have a feel in quarantine, right? No days have a feel anymore and it sucks. If it wasn’t for STL Sports Columnist Ben Hochman’s insistence to use non-stop Seinfeld material in 2020, I’d post Costanza’s understanding of days with feels. Can’t be a hypocrite, family. Let’s get into the real reason we are here and discuss how the western conference unfolded in my ultimate NBA simulation. ALL ABOARD!!!

Last week I unveiled the fantasy rosters of all 30 NBA teams and only hoped I could take it further. Immediately after posting, I remembered a site I used to be heavily involved with called whatifsports.com. This site allows for users to make dream teams in all the major sports – it’s nerd heaven. Twelve or thirteen years ago, ya boy PBM used to mop fools up in simulated NBA seasons. My squads won trophies, people. It was the perfect way to waste time in the corporate office setting. Alas, upon getting out of the corporate world and giving up my oxy addiction meant whatifsports.com leaving my life. Until this weekend…when it returned with a bang!

Whatifsports.com isn’t perfect. It’s not god-level AI. But it is the best free sports simulation available, and I wanted to take this concept further.

I didn’t simulate an entire season in the traditional NBA format – that would’ve taken me until 2025 to do. Instead, I had all the western conference teams play their division opponents six times (three at home, three on the road). Based on those results, I seeded the playoffs. The playoffs were executed in the traditional playoff format – best of seven games in the 2-2-1-1-1 rotation. Here’s who made the playoffs:

  1. Lakers (20-4)
  2. Sonics (19-5)
  3. Mavericks (18-6)
  4. Spurs (14-8)
  5. Kings (13-11)
  6. Pellies (13-11)
  7. Jazz (12-22)
  8. Blazers (11-13)

The Blazers went on the road to beat the Clippers in a play-in game for 8th slot. The box score is below (whatifsports.com brings the statistical thunder).

clips_blazers_final

I was deeply saddened by how limited this Clippers team ended up being. Steve Francis and Blake Griffin aren’t the best team basketball players and it showed. Pippen and McHale deserved better, and I’m sad about it. However, the biggest takeaway from this game is the Hakeem / McHale battle in the post. The two deadliest post players of all-time went back and forth and rarely missed. The advantage was Dream’s, as he crushed McHale on both sides of the boards.

The rest of the western conference played out in a way which illicited more sadness…I made the Lakers too fucking good. Also, the Sonics flamed out in the playoffs despite dominating their regular season schedule. Bad times all around for ya boy.

WESTBRACKET

I pulled a few noteworthy box scores along the way. Find them below.

spurskingfinal

Game four of the Spurs / Kings series. TMac did all he could to not flame out AGAIN in the first round of the playoffs. Alas, he was swept. Only TMac could get a Bill Russell team swept in the first round of the playoffs. George Gervin absolutely lit up the Kings’ wings this entire series.

spurs_lakersfinal

Game six of Lakers / Spurs. The Spurs blew a twenty point fourth quarter lead…ugh. This Lakers team might be the ultimate showcase of how under appreciated Jason Kidd, Pau Gasol, and Anthony Davis really are. I should’ve given them Nash, McAdoo, and Dwight Howard instead – sweet moves, PBM.

lakersmavsfinal

Game two of the western conference finals. Look at the FT shooting.

EVEN IN SIMULATIONS THE LAKERS GET ALL THE FUCKING CALLS!

This happened twice in the Spurs series and once more in the finals. The Lakers are going to win my fake league and/or lose to LeBron’s Cavs. Eastern results coming tomorrow. Stay safe, family. Please allow this throwback heat from G-Unit to play me out the door..it’s been in heavy rotation for ya boy this month.

Co-vid 19 presents “The Ultimate NBA Fantasy Draft”

Rail Riders! It’s been too long since I left you…without a dope blog or any content at all to truly step to! This changes now…and it changes in a HAAA-UGE way. Your boy PBM finally sat down and did something he’s wanted to do for years, and the Rona revealed the opportunity. I’ve made the largest cup of lemonade you’ve ever seen out of the quarantine lemons we’re all engulfing. So large that it would take Train three days to lose himself in glasses of it while pelting or losing his precious body armor via the wacky world of fallout.

I sense you’re skeptical. You don’t believe I’ve truly shifted the narrative, correct? Well…how about if I told you I drafted ten-men rosters for every team in the NBA using the traditional snake style and based the order on this year’s standings? How about if I told you I decided to make every single player who’s ever played the game available to be selected?

Here’s how I did it:

  • The draft order was created using this year’s standings. I manipulated the lottery in order to allow for certain star players to play for the team’s they became stars on.
  • Throughout the draft I prioritized placing individuals on teams whom they contributed for / excelled on / won titles with.
  • The all-time greats were placed with purpose…for the most part. That purpose was fueled by irony, intrigue, or historical significance.
  • Dumb teams remained dumb. I also have a bias against the Nets, so they purposefully made some silly decisions.
  • The Thunder moved back to Seattle.
  • Team’s identities / playing styles / management trends were always top of mind, and organizations which reward loyalty were given priority to land a player whom has ties to their franchise.

Without further adieu, here is what unfolded (you’ll see the number in which players were chosen next to their name on every roster). I’ll do some intensive roster breakdowns either later today or this weekend.

team1_6teams7_12teams13_18teams19_24teams25_30

Here’s some observations at first glance:

The favorites at first glance are the Bulls, Pistons, Blazers, Hornets, Warriors, Kings, and Clippers.

Just outside of the top teams are the Cavs, Spurs, TWolves, Wizards, Pacers, Sonics, Celtics, Raptors, and Lakers.

The weakest rosters belong to the Suns, Nets, Rockets, and Bucks.

As far as specific players landing on specific teams, here are my initial thoughts on what results are the dopest:

  • I think Magic leading a Pistons team (he’s from Michigan) built with members from each era of the Bad Boys’ championship runs is an insanely hilarious idea…and it might yield dominance.
  • I love the Blazers finally landing their elite big man in Hakeem with the fifth pick – pairing him with Dame, Roy, Sheed, and Big Game James gives Dream the chance to prove he’s the GOAT big man.
  • Reggie and Barkley teaming up in Naptown to beat Jordan is awesome – Barklye isn’t distracted by clubs, good food, and women. Not to mention Ben Simmons giving them each their desired number of looks.
  • Legendary Celtics’ winners Bill Russell and Dennis Johnson leading a Kings squad loaded with as much talent as they have playoff failures. I basically added TMac and Jokic (along with the aforementioned Celts) to the core Kings squad that was constantly robbed in the early 2000’s).
  • The Splash Bro’s and Igouyoshi teaming up with Brad Beal in DC. That three guard lineup could eat souls in any era.
  • Pippen and McHale finally stepping out of MJ and Bird’s shadows with the Clippers. That duo teaming up with some under appreciated all star guards (Deron & Franchise), arguably the most prolific Clipper ever (Blake Griffin), and their beloved threesome of Lou, Trezz, and PBev makes the Clipshow pretty damn vicious.
  • What guards / wings are scoring on Glove / Klaw in crunch time? The Raps are no joke.
  • The Hornets don’t trade Kobe, and he gets paired with Bill Walton and Luka. Yikes.
  • Durant gets to lead an amalgamation of his title winning Warriors squads (sans the fan favorites whom relocated to DC) and the beloved “we believe” team of ’06-’07. Can he handle Baron and Draymond yelling in his face every timeout? If he can, they’re as good as anyone.
  • The Knicks landed two dudes, one past (Kareem) and one present (Jimmy Butler), to pair with franchise icons Willis and Pearl. It probably isn’t enough.
  • Darryl Morey used analytics to pair Rick Barry’s efficiency with James Harden’s…and the Rockets get obliterated by 50+ night in and night out.
  • The two studs who conjure up as many throwback vibes as anyone currently in the league (Giannis & CP3) lead the return to Seattle for the Sonics. The modern Glove – Reign Man aren’t alone…Ben Wallace’s fro, Grant Hill’s versatility, and Devin Booker’s dick round out their nasty starting five.
  • The Bucks stink because their front office is dumb…they overextend on guys whom are past their prime / poor fits every year. Same goes for the Suns.
  • N’awlins is the biggest “what-if” unit. Moses and his modern equivalent (Zion) just could be too much for any squad to handle.
  • Despite all the observations above, the favorites in the clubhouse are the Bulls. The GOAT running alongside both D. Rose and Kemp in their primes is simply incomprehensible. It would probably always look like this…

or this…

and DEFINITELY THIS…

 

Bulls are -150 in fake Vegas, family.

Come back in the next day or so for a simulated season of results, awards, and fake observations. All feedback is desired, welcomed, and possibly dismissed.

Stay safe, rail riders.

Friday Artist Focus: Ruste Juxx

Them wheels keep churning, them fires keep burning, and them pussies stay getting turned in from the caboose, family! It’s ya boy Prone Bone Malone coming at you on this bone chillingly cold Friday in the STL. It’s fucking freezing outside. This is not that shit. Since moving from LA back to the hometown, I’ve been looking forward to the novelty of fall and early winter. Well, that novelty has worn off. I’m ready for the climate to always be the same again. In order to bring the heat back to the streets of the Lou and the cold steel of the ATrain rails, I’m going to hone in on my favorite MC of all time, Sean Price’s protégé, Ruste Juxx.

“Fuckin Wit a Gangster,” Ruste Juxx + Marco Polo feat. Sean Price

This is my favorite J-U-double X. Ruste is from Crown Heights, Brooklyn and he is far from a poser. He is very much a relic in the sense that all of his words are probably less than the truth. He could even add more grime if he wanted to. That’s why Sean P jokingly calls himself Ruste’s ghost writer at the end of this joint. P had to convince Ruste to reign it in a little when it came to his street ferocity and venom. Marco Polo blesses Juxx as a “shark” at the end of this banger deluxe, and I actually think Ruste might eat a shark alive in open water.

“I’m On It,” Ruste Juxx + Marco Polo

Another banger off the Marco Polo produced, Ruste Juxx written “The EXxecution.” The grime off this joint leaks through the speakers. As Ruste says, “these shells don’t taste like Velveeta – this track here is hotter than a heater.” JOHN BLAZE SHIT!

“Unphuckwitable,” Ruste Juxx + Pawz One + Beat Bruisers

The name of the track says it all. Ruste is definitely in the top five hardest MC’s to make a studio album. The other four are highly debatable, but I don’t Juxx could be stepped to by one man in the Hip Hop game. He’s the rap game Steve Smith.

“Turmoil,” Ruste Juxx feat. Torare & Supreme

This is objectively Ruste’s best joint. It’s a banger with a message. It features two insane 16’s from two other ridiculously underrated spitters. Makes me proud to be a Hip Hop head, family. Enjoy your Friday!

Sounds of Silence – You are Vanquished.

Family, I apologize. I missed ya yesterday with those thumps. The Train came in and hit you with some phenomenal tunes as your boy was off the radar. The Prone Bone Malone express has been standing room alone lately, and that coupled with the new business I referenced on the Prone Bone Dome has taken up a whole helluva lot of time. All that being said, I’m back, mafuckas. And I got some Johnny Blaze funk to hit you with on this bluster filled, wintery Wednesday morning in the Lou.

“Feel it Still,” Portugal The Man (Flatbush Zombies Remix)

I’m thinking of giving Flatbush Zombies their own feature blog very soon – these guys are kind of the counterpoint to the Underachievers. Similar styles and flows, but the Zombies are wayyyyy more grimy and love to talk about drugs. The Underachievers are goonish with their bars only, and basically only smoke weed. The track above is a dope non Hip Hop one that the Zombies managed to make it better. More from them to come this week.

“WRATH,” DTCHPLNES feat. Danny Brown

Danny Brown is another grimy, young thundacat who might catch his own feature blog. The best story about him is one where a ratchet ass chick blew him from the crowd while he was rhyming with his cock in her mouth. Boss made status and PBM certified.

“Ring the Alarm,” Joey BadA$$ feat. Nyck Caution, Kirk Knight, and Meechy Darko of Flatbush Zombies

Pro Era + Meechy from Flatbush = MEGATON FLAMES. This might be my favorite new school joint that was released in 2017.

Gobble, Gobble Get Down

Stand clear of the closing doors, Rail Riders! It’s Saturday, and ya boy PBM has some thumpers to get you past the Thanksgiving leftovers that are weighing you down. Get the fuck off your feet, throw your hands in the sky, and let the Hip Hop burn some mafuckin’ calories. If ya can’t do that, drink a Kombucha and stop being gross.

“Back on my Bullshit,” Papoose feat. Fat Joe & Jaquae

It ain’t cool being no jive turkey…so close to Thanksgiving. Pap and Joey Crack are for from that, and two of the most well respected MC’s to ever do it throw down over this club banger with supreme lyrical ferocity. Peeps better not be putting out they Kools on they floors – or they’ll get some of that bullshit on megaton.

“Black Ops,” Random Axe feat. Fat Ray

Random Axe was the side of project of PBM’s personal favorite Sean Price + Detroit’s Guilty Simpson (one of the best MC names ever) + one of our favorite producers, Black Milk. They get another Detroit MC, Fat Ray, to jump onto a head nodder deluxe of a beat to create some whiplash served Hip Hop style. BAAAAAAHHHHNNNNNGGGGG.

“Bangin Out the Trunk, ” Fashawn feat. Busta Rhymes

Put the women and children to bed before you blast this one from ya stereos, family. Someone might get punched and we don’t advocate domestic violence on the Train. Not one iota.

“Rips in the Paper,” Malik B & Mr. Green

“Got the paper rippin’ and shit…” I don’t know why, but I smile like a bastard every time I hear that intro from Malik B. Helluva track featuring insanely rhythmic bars from Malik and a beat that is diabolical from a true Hip Hop professor in Mr. Green.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekends, family! Get them pussies, and get em from the caboose.

“The Punisher” on Netflix is an early XMas present.

Happy Big Wednesday, rail riders! This is the evening where more pussies are done from the caboose than on any other night of the calendar year. Forget NYE, forget Halloween, forget St. Patty’s Day – Big Wednesday is the night when people are getting their fuck on. Young thundacats are home from Thanksgiving, young professionals are in their hometowns and having dick measuring contests galore, and old heads like myself want to go out and lay that real man game on the line. It’s glorious. How is your boy PBM going to be spending Big Wednesday? Probably watching “The Punisher.” Since my current love interest (aka Parker Swayze) is a bit younger and still on that club scene, I’ll probably go out to dinner with Momma Dukes and curl up to watch my Jon Bernthal put on a tour de force as Frank Castle. I watched the first two and a half episodes last night, and I have zero hesitation saying it’s in the top three Marvel Netflix seasons thus far. As it stands, I have my power ranks as:

  1. Luke Cage Season One
  2. Daredevil Season One
  3. Punisher Season One
  4. Daredevil Season Two
  5. The Defenders Season One

Now, it will be very hard for Bernthal as Castle to defeat DD season one (because D’Onofrio as Kingpin is simply beautiful) and Luke Cage’s first season had EVERY EPISODE NAMED AFTER A GANG STARR TRACK. THAT SHOW IS GAWD. But, if certain things break right, this show could pull off the impossible and dethrone Cage. Here are the reasons why:

1. The bar for “The Punisher” was so low that fanboys like myself were clamoring for an halfway decent representation of Frank Castle’s struggle.

Castle is one of the original anti-heroes, and we live in a day and age were anti-heroes dominate the content cycle. Which is kind of perfect for me, because anti-heroes are my true heroes, and more and often than not, I prefer villainous ones or just villains in general. Heroes are fucking boring. Bad guys have a history. Frank Castle is not a good guy – he’s a ruthless, calculating, torturous, murderous bastard. The guy who wrangles the Mako sharks in “Deep Blue Sea” can’t play that role.

That trailer might be deceiving, but if you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m saying. It’s so, so bad. It’s nausea inducing. Jon Bernthal induces no nausea as Castle. He’s FUCKING AWESOME. I love him in pretty much everything, and I when I found out they cast him in the role, I did a jig.

He carried “The Walking Dead” when it was good. He carried “Fury.” He was the only redeeming piece of “Baby Driver.” He was insanely awesome in a bit part in “Sicario” + “Wind River.” I love the guy. He’s now laying waste to all former Frank Castle’s. He IS The Punisher.

2. The MCU doesn’t feel forced on you at all.

If you watch a ton of comic book shows and comic book movies, this can sometimes feel like it is all too much the case. ATrain and I touched on it in our “Thor: Ragnarcock” review. A lot of the times it feels like Marvel is throwing comic book characters into a screenwriter’s room blender and making a crappy smoothie with words – hold the bee pollen. This show isn’t doing that. There is one major crossover thus far, and it’s limited. This is essentially Castle’s show, and that’s the way it should be. The aforementioned smoothie technique took “The Defenders” from 5 stars down to 3.5.

3. The build up to the villain reveal is going to be worth the wait. And the villains of “Punisher” past stunk, so standards are low.

If you aren’t familiar with “The Punisher,” he tangles with some pretty sadistic villains – Jigsaw and Barracuda being my favorite. After 2.5 eps, I’m still not sure who that villain is going to be, and it’s ok. For the layman, they teased that Mircochip would be the villain. That’s Castle’s boy, family. Quick tangent – my only beef with the show so far is Mircochip. They should have just let Wayne Knight play the role again. He was in the shitty Ray Stevenson “Punisher” movie. More on that shortly. He’s Nedry doing his thing.

Now, it you watched that clip, you saw McNulty doing a horrendous Jigsaw. The worst performance of his career, I’d be willing to say. It’s an abomination. Just look at him!

has-daredevil-deadpool-opened-the-door-for-marvel-s-punisher-reboot-jigsaw-in-punishe-368201

Amazingly enough, he wasn’t even the worst “Punisher” villain. That honor goes to none other than John Travolta in the piece of shit Thomas Jane “Punisher.” He looked like this:

PunisherTravolta

He played a guy named Howard Saint. No one knew who the fuck Howard Saint was. He was a made up villain. And Travolta most definitely needs some help getting into villainous roles if he isn’t working with Tarantino or John Woo. He, shall we say, struggles with the part. Now, for this Netflix series, I’m not going to spoil the reveal. I’m just a nerd who knows villains and their human names. But if you have any inklings as to who the main villain might be, you might want to hold off. The reveal is looking like it is going to be incredible.

So that’s my take on “The Punisher.” It’s really dope. Current score is a perfect five out of five pussies from the caboose. Get loose this weekend and watch it, family. You won’t be disappointed.

 

Tidal Wave Thumps – A PBM Confessional: I love NF

Hello, family. I have to come clean about something. Ever since Pete Carroll murdered my Pick 5 last night, I’ve been listening to a lot of one particular artist. Because…essentially…Pete Carroll let me down.

Why is this song soothing me in my time of despair? Is it because the man Billy Baggins Simmons once called “Coach Fredo” has fucked my spirit in two? Or is it because NF is actually a really good musician? Here’s another one that has weaseled it’s way into my playlists:

Holy shit. This is guy is like Eminem fucked Adam Levine and Bono and their DNA amalgamated into a sober rapper who spits love songs to his exes and family. I can’t control myself. I need more.

This is a problem. How can I call myself a Stickman in training and listen to this cat? How can I continue to build relationships with my non-Backwoods smokin’ dudes in the CWE with this blaring out of the JL? And yet…I’m drawn to young NF. I refuse to learn anything about him other than I know he’s sober because a bunch of millennial dipshits who try to get sober in LA love him. Other than that, he shall remain a beautiful voice getting listened to shamefully in my whip.

HOLD ON! I HAVE SOMETHING TO GET ME OUT OF THIS! GOOD GOD! THAT’S PREEMO’S MUSIC!