PBM Claims the Trade Machine Throne.

Step aside, Willy Simmons. You’ve been forcefully removed from your self-appointed position as the supreme ruler of fake NBA trades. You’re not Picasso with this shit, Bill. You’re paint by numbers using your fingers and blending all the paints together so they inevitably turn brown. PBM is on his Andy Warhol tip today, rail riders. I went BUCK WU with the sickest NBA trade machine on the web. This website is vastly superior to ESPN’s offering – there’s no comparison, actually. You can include future draft picks, create potential for sign and trades, and allow for trade exceptions when they are acceptable. ESPN’s only matches the salaries up against the cap which limits the artistry of the user and allows for chumps like Lord Undershirt Simmons to think they’re killing this game. This blog will show you who the God is, family. I’ve got Conway the Machine walking to the ring with me like Jay Rock with the Bronze Bomber…play my intro slaps, son.

Now that I’ve hyped my styles up like a true boss, let’s get into why I’m writing this blog. The NBA offseason is far and away the most entertaining of any of the major sports and rivals what actually takes place on the court. This year is going to be extremely insane and we are most likely about to witness some power shifts unlike any we’ve ever seen before. I mean, do you all remember LAST offseason? The reigning NBA Finals MVP (Kawhi) switched teams, three (Brow, Durant, and Russ) perennial candidates for MVP/former MVP winners landed on different rosters, and a couple all NBA mainstays joined up with their peers to run as one (Paul George, Kyrie Irving, and Kemba Walker). Ironically enough, it was a man whom decided to run as an alpha dog for a well-balanced team who probably impacted the season’s final narrative and the future of the league the most. Jimmy Buckets, go ahead and get your flowers. He’s the NBA MVP pick of ATrain Sports, and if you don’t know why then your riding the wrong rails..

Why do I say Butler had the most impact when Brow teamed with the False Idol to win a ring? Because what Jimmy Buckets did in Miami is going to shape how this offseason plays out more than any other on-court happenings in 2020. Pat Riley is essentially in the driver’s seat of the NBA right now and he can set the tone for what next year’s title odds look like in a damn hurry. The Heat have three realistic options: trade for Giannis, trade for Brad Beal, or resign Dragic + other proven veterans and run it back with this year’s crew. Here is most realistic of the potential trades they can make for Giannis:

This deal includes Dragic resigning for 18MM/season for the next four years and securing a payday way above his expected value for the second half of the deal. The way the Heat can so seamlessly absorb Eric Bledsoe’s contract is another reason why I have them in the top slot of the offseason power rankings (assets and Pat Riley round out their big three advantages). Here’s the deal they can put together for Beal:

Which one is the better trade for the Heat? I kind of like the second one, family. Those first round picks are 25th overall at best, Tyler Herro’s value is never going to match what it is right now (spoiler alert – he’s not as good as you think he is), and it leaves them room to extend Duncan Robinson, go get someone like Montrezl Harrell, Davis Bertans, or Joe Harris, and bring the Dragon back. You all might think I’m crazy, but I’m not a Giannis believer. As ATrain always says, “I’m anti-tekumpo.” I wouldn’t mortgage the future for a big man who can’t shoot and has a shitty playoff track record. But hey, that’s just me.

If Giannis does get traded elsewhere, it will most likely be the Warriors or the Mavericks. They have the financial flexibility and assets for it to make sense. Let’s start with Golden State:

That’s the one that would have to happen, y’all. A MASSIVE FUCKING TRADE it would be, right? It’s the only one that makes sense for Milwaukee. If it’s not this epic, then Golden State isn’t getting the man whom all their fanboys have not-so-quietly been drooling over since the moment Steph went down last year. It’s worth posting the Dubs potential offer for Beal – it’s also way more likely logistically and possibly even more desirable for the Wizards than what Miami can offer:

After looking at the Heat/Beal deal and the Dubs/Beal again…man. I’m betting some money on Bradley Beal putting on a Warriors jersey in 2021. And I also would LOVE to watch that team boat race the league. Last suitor for Giannis / Beal is the Dallas Mavericks – here are there likely offers for each man:

I’m not doing that if I’m Milwaukee. But it’s worth considering.

Probably the third best offer too, right? But what else could Dallas do to provide Luka with the man he needs to truly compete? I wonder if another team in Texas is willing to talk to Cuban…the one who just shitcanned their coach and GM and seem to be headed for a process-like reboot…a team PBM once loved and wants to love again…

HOLY SHIT THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN. CUBAN – MAKE THE CALL!!! THEY’LL TAKE IT, BROTHER. Calm down, PBM. Calm down. You’ve been waiting to hypothetically rebuild the Rockets for over five hundred days and it’s ok to do it slowly. It’s probably going to happen now, dude. Harden is on the trade table…this isn’t your imagination. But where else could he land? Hmmm….

Who says no to that? Not the Rockets, that’s for sure. How about if the other NYC franchise gets involved?

Before you laugh these off the screen, please remember that the ROCKETS ARE TRYING TO CLEAN HOUSE. The NYK trade isn’t as appealing, but it provides youth, expiring deals, and draft picks to a team which desperately covets all three of those things. Here’s one last Harden deal (just to the train):

I think ATrain might actually be on board with that offer. Too bad it would never be enough for Houston.

PBM – if the Rockets are rebuilding, what about trades for Russ? Glad you asked! Let’s send Russ to the Knicks where he belongs, shall we?

That’s the one I find more realistic between these two teams. Russ in MSG…god damn. Please make it a reality, Dolan. I’m literally begging you. Unfortunately, here’s the frontrunner move that is on-brand for the Knicks:

Trading the future for an overpaid player who is a poor fit for today’s league has the Knicks written all over it. Sorry, Bockers fans. Be prepared.

I’m going to pivot back to the Nets because the rumor mill is circulating with noise of Paul George joining Durant and Kyrie. Is it possible, though? Damn right it is!

I don’t make this move if I’m Brooklyn, but this won’t stop them. They could also swing this megadeal if they’re feeling frisky:

The first one is far and away the most mutually beneficial, but both are in play. PBM has a message for Kyrie – start talking about this, buddy. Make it happen. PG definitely will cosign flat earther ish and definitely won’t take shots from KD (wink, wink). Plus – fuck them kids, right? It’s about you and not the team’s future!!

Time to pivot back to the Bucks and discuss a trade which would improve Giannis’ long-term future in Milwaukee. Here’s what it would like for CP3 to go up north:

I don’t really like that one. How can we improve it? Did you all hear Gallo is looking to take a smaller contract to play for a title contender? He most certainly has said as much! Let’s use the sign and trade function, baby!

Gallo’s contract matches up with the one Redick signed in New Orleans last year and this trade allows for Milwaukee to go up to about 15MM/year. I want Giannis to stay and this deal to go down…that’s perhaps what I want more than any other fake trade (aside from the Russ to the Knicks banger).

One more Rockets trade before I move on from that sinking ship in HTown – this would be absolutely hilarious if it went down:

Simmons and Russ make the most ludicrous backcourt pairing of all-time…it is nearly unimaginable to think of those dudes running an “offense” in today’s league. Harden and Embiid would be hands down the most unlikable duo in the history of professional sports. And you know what? I think both teams would consider it.

Let’s summarize the above and map out a likely, enjoyable scenario shall we? We want Giannis to stay and the Bucks to make the deal for CP3 and Gallo. Milwaukee deserves a nice thing for a little longer, people. This would make the Warriors focus on Beal and thus create the most entertaining offense in the modern NBA with a Steph, Klay, and Brad Beal three-guard lineup. The Mavs could call and inquire about Harden or wait until next year’s FA class to make a move, and I expect they’ll do the latter. The Nets are going to try and trade for PG – the Clips should jump on their offers and insist on getting LaVert and Allen in the deal. The Knicks should DEFINITELY try and get Russ to the Garden, but they’ll probably end up with DeRozan and Mike Conley instead. Which leaves us with the Heat…the team I started this blog about. How do they still maintain alpha status in the league when all the major talent lands elsewhere? Because only the Heat can seriously consider and definitely afford a player whom no other team would dare risk trading the necessary assets to acquire…peep game, yo:

Embiid wants to play with Buckets again more than I want anything in the world…just look at his Twitter feed. This deal reunites the two while giving the Sixers a legit haul in return. The Dragic sign and trade is expensive, but Philly loves paying out dudes who are past their prime. Riley gets to bring Richardson home (never fit in Philly – decent replacement for Herro) and finish his masterful career by putting Embiid along side guys which can maximize his potential as an all-around player. The Heat would replace Dragic with DJ Augustin or someone similar via free agency and hope Kendrick Nunn returns to his pre-bubble form. Philly would go nuts for a player like Herro and the sentimental side of me would love to see Iggy retire where he started.

Final results of PBM’s masterful manipulation of the NBA offseason:

  • Bucks keep Giannis and acquire CP3 + Gallo
  • Heat trade Herro + Iggy + picks for Embiid and Josh Richardson
  • Warriors acquire Beal for Wiggins + picks
  • Nets acquire PG for LaVert, Allen, and a combo of Dinwiddie, Prince, or others
  • Rockets trade Russ to the Knicks for expiring contracts and picks….
  • ….nevermind. Knicks acquire DeRozan for Barrett, Julius Randle, and their fan’s collective souls.

Stand clear of the closing doors, family. We’ve arrived at your final destination. PBM…out.

The NBA’s Opening Night Was Incredible

Choo mafuckin’ choo, ATrain rail riders! I am the Hip Hop Walrus and I’m coming so strong to kick off your hump days! Give me a bangarang, Rufio!

Ya boy PBM is a Rockets fan (Hakeem was my guy as a kid) and a Cavs/Warriors hater deluxe. You have no idea how delighted I was to know that both teams I loathe would lose on opening night. Those dreams were crushed when Gordon Hayward Kevin Ware’d his ankle six minutes into the Celts/Cavs game. The tables had turned on me.

John Doe (Cavs/Warriors) kept the upper hand most of the night. The Celts looked legit without Hayward, and it makes it even more tragic that he’s lost. They’re better than Cleveland with him, and can hang with them without him. I don’t think the Cavs are infinitely better than Boston sans Hayward, but Cleveland is A LOT tougher than they were last season. Adding Crowder, Wade, Jeff Green, D Rose, and eventually Baby Zeke…Jesus. They just need to get rid of JR Smith at some point this season – he was on pluto last night. As I said to my one buddy, JR’s inner dialogue was, “Yo! Kyrie! Why you wearin’ green bruh! I’m finna smoke ya jersey! Quit playin n put the Cavs shit.” Cleveland won the game by 3, and D Rose was probably the biggest revelation on their side. He has dreads, which is super weird. And he looked like a veteran, which is something I never thought I’d be happy to say about Derrick Rose. It’s nice to see him settling into a world where he knows he doesn’t have his legs. Sad, but nice.

The night game had me fired up. I hate the Warriors as much as any team – only the Lovable Losing Cubs rank higher (getting swept right now…where’s that blog, Train?) My Rockets got WAY better this off season, adding CP3, PJ Tucker (who showed the non-NBA diehards who he is last night), and John David Booty’s cousin, Luc Richard MBah Booty. Didn’t start so well for the PBM astroplane, as CP struggled to find his role a bit, and the Warriors couldn’t miss most of the game. They even added Swaggy fucking P who couldn’t miss. That team has my four least favorite NBA players in Durant (by far enemy #1), Steph, Draymond, and Swaggy fucking P. The Rockets wouldn’t break though. It was different than last year when they would seemingly tank games when opponents were megaton hot from the field. Paul was chirping like a mad man, and Tucker really wouldn’t let them fade. Same with Ariza, who looks even better at 53 years old. Tucker hard fouled Durant all night, and even got a bullshit flagrant that didn’t stop him from hammering that long bean limb having, fake hard, try hard, wimp of a clown into the ground. Steph looked petrified of CP punching him in the face like he always does when they square off, and Harden seemed to thrive in the second half knowing he had actual muscle behind him this year. Slowly but surely, the Rockets wore the Dubs down. Eric Gordon! Shit! How have I not mentioned EG? He had some retarded pokes in the lane, to the point were my Warriors’ fan friend openly pined for someone else not on his own flower potting, casserole making, Starbucks loving team. So yeah, the Rockets fought back the whole game and eventually won it by one. Durant even had a phony buzzer beater – it was fucking awesome. God, it’s good to have NBA hoops back.