A Better Ending to HBO’s Game of Thrones. Part 6.

Welcome back to part six of the new and better ending. We are poised for a battle to the North. The Night’s King having just suffered a three-headed-dragon attack now has to re-think his strategy of freezing out the enemy. It certainly seems like a major battle is coming.

I’ll tell you what we WON’T do in my version is waste an entire episode having characters yak about inconsequential bullshit while “preparing” for battle.

To the south, the word is out about The Night King’s army. There is panic, cold and hunger. The small council is trying to keep King’s Landing under control with Dany and Tyrion away. Sansa and Robert Arryn are on the council, having led the refugees all the way to King’s Landing. Danerys has brought Illiryo Mopatis over from Pentos to act as the Queen’s hand in place of Tyrion and sit the Iron Throne while they are both away. With Sansa and Cersei on the council, we get some solid repartee between the two as they now equal. Sansa gets to tell Cersei off in fantastic fashion.

Screen Shot 2019-05-31 at 3.32.02 PM
Remember Mopatis? This guy fucking gave Dany the dragon’s eggs as a wedding gift. The show just totally forgot about him. Pepperidge Farm Remembers.

The Queen of Thorns is still alive, and she didn’t take kindly to Cersei killing Margery and Loras. She has her spies watching Cersei’s every move. As Cersei plots how she will take back control of the throne, the Queen of Thornes knows what she is up too. It will be the Queen of Thorns who exposes Cersei in the end. Cersei will get a final laugh as one of Qyburn’s assassin’s gets to Lady Olena and kills her.

What is creepy Bran up too?

We last left Bran at Moat Cailin, where the great battle is set to take place. HBO gave this kid absolutely nothing to do, then they made him fucking king. I say we do the opposite, give him something to do, and don’t let a creepy crippled kid be king.

Bran is wheeled over to the heart tree, Ghost is with him. We see Bran look into the red eyes of the tree, then the red eyes of the dire wolf. Bran wargs into Ghost since the show decided to never set up John as a warg. As Ghost, Bran becomes the scout for the army of men. Stormclouds have made it hard to scout by bird or dragon, but the white wolf can get his eyes on the enemy without being seen. He gets right up to the Nights’ King’s Battle array and Bran is able to see what is coming.

What is coming is an almost endless army of the deadmen, zombie giants, ice spiders, and dead mammoths. Ghost turns and bounds off. At the last second, the Night’s King notices the dire wolf and he tries to raise more dead around the wolf to stop him. Ghost is able to escape ripping off a few zombie limbs in the process.

The news of the coming attack gets to the dragon riders. This is what they wanted, the plan to draw him out appears to be working.

Grey Worm forms up the Unsullied in a defensive position. Jorah has the Calvary ready for when they need to flank the enemy.

Jamie and Brienne are reunited. Podrick is knighted. Brienne has the command of an elite group of warriors, the people we love to see fuck shit up. They all have Valerian Steel, and they are meant to locate and kill the Nights’ King’s generals.

Screen Shot 2019-05-31 at 4.15.42 PM
You know what would have been pretty sweet? To see these guys fight the Warriors we have been watching for 7+ seasons. Instead, they did nothing, while the Jamie and Brienne types would just fight 10 zombies at a time.

The fighting really bothered me in S8E03 of the show. You would see a character get washed over by enemies and then somehow they would be fine. None of that in my version. Let’s see some swordplay otherwise what are we doing here?

Seven is a sacred number so I will end it for good in Part 7 coming up next.

The Time Tyrion Lannister Apologized to Stew.

Game of Thrones hype is building. The trailer for the final season was recently released and I consider myself a Game of Thrones scholar. No, I am not going to break down the trailer. People are already doing that. When it comes to the Game of Thrones TV show I am now pretty apathetic. The show is fine, the early seasons were better but the whole ending has been rushed.

I’m not here to rip what the show has become. It’s just for a different type of audience now. My GoT expertise is in the books and it’s too the books I go for this blog. The purpose of these GoT blogs (this is going to be the first of a few) is to highlight these little subtle moments of brilliance that I am constantly finding in the writing of George R.R. Martin.

They are little moments where if you’re not reading carefully you miss the joke or the irony. The one I am going to start with is just a little joke Tyrion makes at Joffrey’s wedding feast.

It’s relatively early in the feast. Collio Quaynis of Tyrosh is the second singer in an order of seven that will be performing at the feast. The first singer Hamish the Harper had already performed “The Rains of Castemere” as part of his ensemble.

Peacocks  were served in their plumage, roasted whole and stuffed with dates, while Collio summoned a drummer, bowed low before Lord Tywin, and launched into “The Rains of Castemere”

If I have to hear seven versions of that I may go down to flea bottom an apologize to the stew. 

So he doesn’t actually apologize to stew, it’s just a frivolous thought he has but what does it mean exactly? It’s call callback to a minor thread in Tyrion’s storyline that they omitted from the TV show. Tyrion has Shae hidden at a brothel called Shataya’s on one of the occasions that he goes to visit her, she is being entertained by a singer named Symon Silvertongue.

Symon greets Tyrion as the Hand of the Kind but Tyrion basically threatens him right off the bat ordering him to forget that he ever saw him. Tyrion fears for Shae’s safety because his father threatened to hang the next whore he found in his bed. If word gets out she could be in danger.

Later Symon is hired by Lady Stokeworth to sing for her lackwit daughter Lollys. He becomes privy to the fact that there will be seven singers at Joffrey’s wedding and basically decides to blackmail Tyrion in an effort to be one of the seven and compete for a golden lute. He even suggests that an “accident” should happen to one of the singers and they call him in as the replacement.

He performs a song for Tyrion, a song about him…

He rode through the streets of the city,

down from his hill on high,

O’er the wynds and the steps and the cobbles,

he rode to a woman sigh,

For she was his secret treasure,

she was his shame and his bliss,

and a chain and a keep are nothing compared to a woman’s kiss

For hands of gold are always cold but a woman’s hands are warm…

(this song does make it into the show in the form of Ed Sheeran)

Symon is threatening to expose Shae unless Tyrion gets him on the list as one of the seven singers. Tyrion tells him no problem, Bronn will handle it. Then Tyrion tells Bronn to make Symon disappear. Bronn refers to a pot shop in flea bottom that makes “a savory bowl of brown, with ALL KINDS of meat in it.

Super Short Version:

Tyrion has the singer killed and cooked into stew, then when the singers are terrible he thinks about apologizing to Symon now in his final form of stew. This cracked me up. These are the little things that make Tyrion so great as a character, the little droll musings that only he and the reader get to experience. It also highlights that Tyrion in the book does way more shady shit then he does in the show. Shady book Tyrion that kills singers and has them fed to the poor should have come out more in the show.

Hope you enjoyed this little look back at just a tiny little sliver of the story.

ATrain Out.

Why is ABC Bringing Back Roseanne?

Am I taking crazy pills or is ABC actually bringing Roseanne back to television? Who was clamoring for more Roseanne Barr? I just assumed her character and John Goodman’s would have both succumbed to heart disease by 2018 but apparently, they are alive and well. I remember watching Roseanne as a kid and thinking it was shit, I can only imagine what I would think of it now.

Are you one of the people excited about Roseanne? If the answer is yes take a long hard look at your life. When Roseanne was on the air television, in general, was crap so it was allowed to exist as a show for a long time. Television in 2018 is exceptionally good. Roseanne doesn’t stand a chance. I mean what is ABC banking on? Do they just think that everyone who voted for Trump is gonna start watching it? It’s the white-trash Cosby show so maybe they will. Maybe everyone in old folks homes across the country will watch it, it will be like an old afghan blanket keeping their withered legs warm.

 

Screen Shot 2017-12-29 at 8.58.02 PM.png
Old people like things that are familiar to them such as old chairs, Afghans, and ABC is hoping: ROSEANNE.

 

Are the networks that out of ideas? ABC has canceled too many shows that were actually good. They canceled Happy Endings and Pushing Daisies both before they were done. Who is running things over there and why does he think to bring back the zombie corpse of an old television show is going to save them. What’s next Land of the Lost? Gilligan’s Island?

Isn’t John Goodman getting enough work? Why is he doing this? I know he will be in literally anything. He has been in some absolute garbage movies that you’ve probably never seen, yet pretending to be attracted to old Roseanne seems like slumming it even for him.

Screen Shot 2017-12-29 at 8.43.35 PM

Sad sack Sarah Gilbert is probably doing cartwheels along with every other actor/actress who was relegated to obscurity after Roseanne went off the air. It makes sense for everyone to come back except for Goodman. I am starting to think this is all a result of a Trading Places like wager between two TV fat cats.

Screen Shot 2017-12-29 at 9.00.44 PM.png

“I bet you I can get Roseanne back on the air in less than a year and make it a hit”

“You’re on.”

This is the most plausible scenario in my mind.

 

“The Punisher” on Netflix is an early XMas present.

Happy Big Wednesday, rail riders! This is the evening where more pussies are done from the caboose than on any other night of the calendar year. Forget NYE, forget Halloween, forget St. Patty’s Day – Big Wednesday is the night when people are getting their fuck on. Young thundacats are home from Thanksgiving, young professionals are in their hometowns and having dick measuring contests galore, and old heads like myself want to go out and lay that real man game on the line. It’s glorious. How is your boy PBM going to be spending Big Wednesday? Probably watching “The Punisher.” Since my current love interest (aka Parker Swayze) is a bit younger and still on that club scene, I’ll probably go out to dinner with Momma Dukes and curl up to watch my Jon Bernthal put on a tour de force as Frank Castle. I watched the first two and a half episodes last night, and I have zero hesitation saying it’s in the top three Marvel Netflix seasons thus far. As it stands, I have my power ranks as:

  1. Luke Cage Season One
  2. Daredevil Season One
  3. Punisher Season One
  4. Daredevil Season Two
  5. The Defenders Season One

Now, it will be very hard for Bernthal as Castle to defeat DD season one (because D’Onofrio as Kingpin is simply beautiful) and Luke Cage’s first season had EVERY EPISODE NAMED AFTER A GANG STARR TRACK. THAT SHOW IS GAWD. But, if certain things break right, this show could pull off the impossible and dethrone Cage. Here are the reasons why:

1. The bar for “The Punisher” was so low that fanboys like myself were clamoring for an halfway decent representation of Frank Castle’s struggle.

Castle is one of the original anti-heroes, and we live in a day and age were anti-heroes dominate the content cycle. Which is kind of perfect for me, because anti-heroes are my true heroes, and more and often than not, I prefer villainous ones or just villains in general. Heroes are fucking boring. Bad guys have a history. Frank Castle is not a good guy – he’s a ruthless, calculating, torturous, murderous bastard. The guy who wrangles the Mako sharks in “Deep Blue Sea” can’t play that role.

That trailer might be deceiving, but if you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m saying. It’s so, so bad. It’s nausea inducing. Jon Bernthal induces no nausea as Castle. He’s FUCKING AWESOME. I love him in pretty much everything, and I when I found out they cast him in the role, I did a jig.

He carried “The Walking Dead” when it was good. He carried “Fury.” He was the only redeeming piece of “Baby Driver.” He was insanely awesome in a bit part in “Sicario” + “Wind River.” I love the guy. He’s now laying waste to all former Frank Castle’s. He IS The Punisher.

2. The MCU doesn’t feel forced on you at all.

If you watch a ton of comic book shows and comic book movies, this can sometimes feel like it is all too much the case. ATrain and I touched on it in our “Thor: Ragnarcock” review. A lot of the times it feels like Marvel is throwing comic book characters into a screenwriter’s room blender and making a crappy smoothie with words – hold the bee pollen. This show isn’t doing that. There is one major crossover thus far, and it’s limited. This is essentially Castle’s show, and that’s the way it should be. The aforementioned smoothie technique took “The Defenders” from 5 stars down to 3.5.

3. The build up to the villain reveal is going to be worth the wait. And the villains of “Punisher” past stunk, so standards are low.

If you aren’t familiar with “The Punisher,” he tangles with some pretty sadistic villains – Jigsaw and Barracuda being my favorite. After 2.5 eps, I’m still not sure who that villain is going to be, and it’s ok. For the layman, they teased that Mircochip would be the villain. That’s Castle’s boy, family. Quick tangent – my only beef with the show so far is Mircochip. They should have just let Wayne Knight play the role again. He was in the shitty Ray Stevenson “Punisher” movie. More on that shortly. He’s Nedry doing his thing.

Now, it you watched that clip, you saw McNulty doing a horrendous Jigsaw. The worst performance of his career, I’d be willing to say. It’s an abomination. Just look at him!

has-daredevil-deadpool-opened-the-door-for-marvel-s-punisher-reboot-jigsaw-in-punishe-368201

Amazingly enough, he wasn’t even the worst “Punisher” villain. That honor goes to none other than John Travolta in the piece of shit Thomas Jane “Punisher.” He looked like this:

PunisherTravolta

He played a guy named Howard Saint. No one knew who the fuck Howard Saint was. He was a made up villain. And Travolta most definitely needs some help getting into villainous roles if he isn’t working with Tarantino or John Woo. He, shall we say, struggles with the part. Now, for this Netflix series, I’m not going to spoil the reveal. I’m just a nerd who knows villains and their human names. But if you have any inklings as to who the main villain might be, you might want to hold off. The reveal is looking like it is going to be incredible.

So that’s my take on “The Punisher.” It’s really dope. Current score is a perfect five out of five pussies from the caboose. Get loose this weekend and watch it, family. You won’t be disappointed.